I’d love to testify against my father, all at once, but I just can’t. There’s a trial against him, because of what he did to my sister, but his penalty would be harsher if I told as well what he did to my brother and me 9 years ago. It feels like I’m so damn helpless again, can’t pay him back now what he did to us… I want to get out of this helpless position, but I can’t and it’s driving me mad. I feel guilt for many things in the past and now for not having been able to protect my sister, though people around me tell me all the time that I’m not guilty.. I know a lot of this guilt is not rational, but I still feel it, I can’t change it, noone can change this by telling me that there's no reason to feel guilty. I turned him in, but I’m still not able to do the whole thing. It’s like when I told our neighbors, but then when they talked to my parents I said that I lied. They wanted to call the police and a lot of bad things could have been prevented, but I pretended that I just fooled them and that everything was fine.. and I was so good at pretending this. So my brother killed himself and I couldn’t do anything against it.I never really did anything, just sat and watched, let my father hurt me and my family, let my brother kill himself. It feels like this is happening again when I just sit here and don’t tell them a word. I know it wouldn’t change that much, he won’t be a danger anymore for quite a long time, even if I don’t testify, but it feels like losing again, being weak.. I can’t cope with what he did to me, so it’s a success for him, because I can’t manage to testify.. so he won.
I know it’s just in my head, but I can’t switch it off..
I’m scared that they will be emotionless, listen to it like something they listen to all the time, like it’s their job; at the same time I want them to be emotionless, I don’t want them empathize. I’m scared of how they will look at me. I’m scared of saying it out loud, to hear me saying it. I can’t even say just a few words. Everyone around me who knows it, only knows it from hints I dropped; they asked and I nodded, but I never said it myself, not even to my therapist. Why is it so hard to say it loud? I kind of don’t want to hear it loud, like it’s more real then. I still can’t admit it. I know that it may have taken you some time too, but I can no way imagine to be able to speak about it one day, let alone tell a whole story. How do you manage to do this? This sounds weird, but it’s even kind of hard for me to be here on this site and read what you wrote, scares me.

Benthebeaver (or just Ben?).

"Why is it so hard to say it loud?"

There are a lot of reasons. I don't think of them. I just accept that it just is.

You have said a lot more here than I had after six months on this site. (yes I posted but nothing about my CSA) I think you are doing great. I came here and at first all I could do was cry. I rarely would be able to make it through the first post in a thread. But in time it got easier. Not easy but easier.

"I’d love to testify against my father"

I think you should. I think it would help you in the long run. Contact the prosecutor and see if you can get some coaching. That you might consider it then. But first consult your therapist. If you can't say it out loud then write a small note. Start there.

One thing that I found helped me with something like this. I take some over the counter pain medication. Tylenol or anything else like that.

You don't have to do this. But I wish you would.

This is just a random thought. But if there are more charges against him maybe he’ll be more likely to plead guilty – avoiding a trial. (this happened in my case. Unfortunately there is some stupid rule that let him get a third off his sentence just for pleading guilty) I know its easier said than done but you shouldn’t blame yourself for not telling back then. Its not your fault. It is all 100% his fault.

Maybe you just need to throw yourself in at the deep end? I mean like, just go in all unprepared and deal with whatever happens later. Don’t think about it much, go in there and say to whoever is in charge of your sister’s case that you have information that might help them. Then if you can’t talk or you don’t like the way they are looking at you at least you’ll be able to say you tried. You do deserve justice for yourself as well as for your sister.

I know how hard talking about it can be. Even thinking about it and admitting it to yourself is scary. When I read people's stories here I can't imagine ever being able to tell mine like they can.