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#426412 - 02/25/13 11:15 AM Strange
Zug Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
I'm sure-or I am hoping that there are some people here that can understand what I'm writing here. After a year's work with a therapist at the VA, a great deal of personal introspection/work/spiritual stuff and some kind of strange combination of circumstance; I find myself experiencing intense parts of past abuse, sometimes without all the details. There have been strange reactions and avoidance of things in the past, things that I could never logically figure out and my mind literally fled from. I have read a great deal about the experiences of others and all of this combined to start a disjointed, terrifying process of putting together; things, events, conclusions about life/people that have bothered me for my entire life. This is strange because while it is very difficult to go through, experience, it has also brought a sense of relief. It's like I didn't want to believe something like this about people, but specifically these people. It has caused a radical change in me somehow. Things I struggled with no longer concern me. An example would be; I have always struggled as to whether maintain any contact with my family or not. What I have learned, experienced, and concluded that it is not in my best interest to maintain that contact now. It is apparent to me that I have struggled with this issue before, went to family (or attempted to) and this has less than positive, if not drastic results for me. I am just writing a bunch of stuff here right off the top of my head. I have also figured out that I needed to tell people that know me and allow those people to be loyal, be my friends, etc., something I had never done before. This has been a powerful, worthwhile 'process' these last few weeks. I thought it would destroy me. I appreciate people putting up with me. I wish I had a therapist to talk to about this stuff now, but I have been writing and talking to old friends. It was so good to tell people that actually mattered to me, that I could trust. None of those people were left in my life after what I had been through. That alone has been a huge boost to me over the last few days. I have also read things in comments and in articles that were impossible for me to ignore and forced me to confront very difficult things. I am grateful and have a lot of work to do. The best part is that I finally figured out (again) that it really is ok to be vulnerable, I just picked the wrong people and that was something I learned, was taught. I can unlearn that from what I hear. The worst part is that my guilt over 'what it meant', the complete horror/terror, and taught/enforced/learned family processes were what kept me from dealing with it. In the end though, the guilt over something that I never really had any control over (except who I chose to spend my life with) was the very thing that kept me a prisoner, the perps living at my expense-blaming my acting out on me, not their behavior, punishing me for it- and kept it such a powerful negative force in my life. The simplicity of it all is baffling after all this pain. I learned getting sober that I needed to learn to forgive myself, and this completes my incomplete picture of why I could not do that. Changing my attitude and literally the things I tell myself has proven to be incredibly challenging and difficult, but worthwhile. While feeling battered and confused, I also feel some relief and hope. The physical pain/feelings are horrible and I cannot sleep for long. I wake up sweaty, hurting, confused-feels like I've been beaten. Sometimes I wake with as little as physical pain/feelings, terror and minimal (somehow more terrifying because they are that way) visual flashes. I keep throwing up, my appetite is very reduced and I have to find ways to eat sometimes. I'm glad I can say these things here and people will understand. Thank you, I'm grateful.
_________________________
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski


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#426432 - 02/25/13 02:23 PM Re: Strange [Re: Zug]
Zug Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
I', struggling the most with things like; being comfortable in my own body, practicing the suggested breathing exercises, concentrating. I am figuring things out about how I handled the abuse and its effects on my life, decisions, consequences, choices. It is revealing, scary and inspires/motivates me. It explains things conclusively that I could never think about or explain to myself before; from the abuse, feelings (sometimes very illogical)about situations, people, relationships I have had, their dynamic. I have figured out that much of what has happened in terms of relationships has much to do with me not knowing how to exercise my real choice in matters like who I would spend time with and where/what my living situation would be. There seems to be a way to resolve many of these things that have bothered me for my entire life. Nothing more than not being able to order my life a bit like I want it, and choosing people who will take advantage of me the way I was before-not just physically, but emotionally, psychologically. I also have had some very interesting thoughts on things like anger; I remember figuring out that I didn't need to fight out in the street anymore, that I could rely on more of me than that. Going through all abuse CSA, ASA and the psychological/emotional/physical abuse as an child/adult took that away from me. What has disgusted and saddened me the most in this was that overwhelming feeling of rage and confusion over the fact that I had tried to have exactly the opposite life I experienced but ended up being on the receiving end of the same kind of feelings (some of them terrifying, unexplained, confusing) situations, and consequences was and has been crushing.
It's very hard to know exactly what to do with all this, all at once. I thought I had come far before, but this has been more than I bargained for in some ways. I am trying to look at this in way that allows ME to deal with it all in my own way, in a way that is good for me and helps me make progress. This is difficult but I can see the benefit to going through the pain, with some tools and motivation, help of pro, other tools I learned along the way and making it count. I didn't see that as a possibility before.
I don't know if I should be posting this, but I am. I didn't post for some time because I knew I was being a PITA and wanted to get to my own place with it. If this post is inappropriate or whatever, please let me know. Thanks again for being here.
_________________________
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski


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