Newest Members
J44, Anura, reynel5, smc1972, Moi
12418 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
camdon (30), camdon greenwood (30), Denise (72), getteddie (66), morgoth (24), Ric (66)
Who's Online
1 registered (JW1230), 22 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12418 Members
74 Forums
63763 Topics
445304 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#426348 - 02/24/13 08:13 PM current reality - future conquest **triggers**
inprogress Offline


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 3
Loc: CA
Hi all, I am 25 and have been lurking in this site. Mustered up the courage to share in here.

*** triggers below ***

When I was 10, my dad and I moved away to his duplex after my parents had gotten divorced. Living in the back house was my dad's sister, her husband, and 3 kids. The eldest of her kids was my first cousin "Mark". Mark is 6 years older than I and we spent a lot of time together, kind of a big brother/little brother thing since neither of us had a brother.

My aunt would watch over me after school along with my 3 cousins as I had no siblings and now, lived only with my dad. (whom worked ALL the time). Being the only 2 boys, Mark and I would hang out a lot and I looked up to him.

A couple of years later, when I was 12, I remember Mark would randomly wave his erect penis in front of me and at one occasion made me touch him under the covers while we watched a movie (not porn). We would go grab some fast food and park in the garage, and while still in the car, he would whip it out and make me play with it. I was really confused about all this and did what I could to get out of that situation.

Some months passed and we were in his room just chit chatting and listening to music. Suddenly, he throws me on his bed and climbs up to my upper chest area and I realized he had his penis out of his pants. He tried to stick it in my mouth as I tried to fight him off. I struggled, and said "no, not that" assuring him that I wasn't interested in what he was about to do.

I would struggle to free my upper body to get him off of me. I was pinned completely by the way he was sitting on my upper body. It was useless. A 12 year old fighting off an 18 year old went against my favor. He forced his penis inside my mouth and I felt this rage because he wouldn't listen to me. But at the same time, I was scared. He said to stay quiet or he would tell my dad.

For the next year or so, this continued. After the first couple of times, however, I wouldn't fight him as much. It became somewhat of a regular thing, except when I really didn't want him near me, I would try to fight him off but he would drag me into my bedroom and it would continue.

One day, we were laying on my bed watching tv and I had his penis in my mouth, he started feeling down my pants. He started moving his hand towards my behind and I fought him. I ran into the restroom and locked myself inside.

He broke into the restroom and made me continue the oral on him for a while and, for the first time, I began to cry. Just out of nowhere, this overwhelming feeling of having to do things against my will and with nobody to defend me. Like I had no voice. He simply pulled his pants up, dried up my tears and left without saying a word. That was the last time he ever tried anything.

That was roughly 12 years ago.

Today, Mark is still in my life. But it's as if nothing ever happened. We see each other regularly, have almost same friends, hang out often. Neither of us has married (he is a little past 31) and I never see him with a girl, like he's stuck in his late teens.

Sometimes he invites me over for drinks and is very nonchalant about my presence, just like any old friend, which is odd to me. As adults, he has never approached me in an inappropriate/sexual way. I sometimes want to talk to him about how his actions had affected me and just to vent in general, but am thinking twice about it. Never has the subject been brought up, not sure if bringing that up will be a good or a bad thing.

Nevertheless, I began therapy with a counselor to vent and to deal with my monsters.

I have had self esteem issues as well as trust issues in relationships. As soon as the relationship becomes sexual, I freeze up. I was with my ex gf for a good year and I really liked her and enjoyed spending time with her. We were a great match. Whenever a situation came up when we're getting frisky, I would make up an excuse for it not to escalate. I was scared I was gonna hurt her somehow, like if I would follow through, it wouldn't be mutual enjoyment and it would be only me benefiting from it. Other times I simply couldn't get a boner. How could this be? I really liked this girl.

At times I fantasize about my experiences with Mark, but in those fantasies, I'm in control and I get turned on by the thought of me consoling him. Lately, he's been depressed and recently broke down to some close relatives. Not sure if maybe something similar happened to him.. What a tangled web, making me crazy.

I've been reading for a couple of weeks on this forum, I thank you guys for being helpful and understanding to one another. These traumatic experiences as kids have negative circumstances for us in adult relationships and in self. I hope if I deal with this sooner, than later, I can be a happier/better/healthier man. No more sweeping it under the rug. Thanks again.

Top
#426405 - 02/25/13 10:46 AM Re: current reality - future conquest **triggers** [Re: inprogress]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Hi Inprogress,
It seems that you have strong feelings toward Mark.

How do you see him now as an adult? What would you like to talk with him and how would that help you to move further?

Did you speak with you T about this?

Top
#426506 - 02/25/13 11:44 PM Re: current reality - future conquest **triggers** [Re: inprogress]
inprogress Offline


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 3
Loc: CA
Thanks for the reply, Ivo

Not to try and belittle the abuse done to me, after the abuse stopped that one time I began crying, there was no way I could get away from being around him. He was still my neighbor, I still had to be around my aunt after school, and I would see him on a daily basis.. just that he had stopped the abuse (although the damage was still done.)

He still acted like a big brother - taught me how to drive, helped me when I was learning guitar, helped me with school projects and just regular everyday things.

Now as adults, at times I want to bring it up. Why? I have no idea. Part of me wants to just talk about it and make things less odd since he is still around and we hang out and are around each other quite often. . Part of me thinks I shouldn't because he's already emotionally not all there - he's been depressed these last couple of years. I kinda feel bad for him - WTF is wrong with me?

I have not spoken with the therapist about this, however, it is in the works.

Top
#426540 - 02/26/13 08:41 AM Re: current reality - future conquest **triggers** [Re: inprogress]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
I think it should be good to raise that topic and at least get some kind of acknowledgment from your cousin. Obviously those hidden topics are never easy things to be spoken about so you have to be sure that you are pretty calm and stable before you open that box, your goal should be to try to understand what was really happening from neutral and much broader point of view – and that is actually very hard since we are talking about things that changed many things in your life...

What makes things more complicated is his depression.

Mine approach would be careful and slow, for example I would inform him in talks that you go to therapy so that he is aware that there is something that is ongoing with you but without real details and much elaboration. Second thing would be, on some other occasion to try to find out what is bothering him and why is he emotionally disconnected, for example you could say that you noticed that he is not in best mood lately and you could ask what is the issue…Once talk starts it should not be difficult to give hint what you would also like to talk.

Those are just some ideas, take your time, talk with your T also about it and then decide what would be the best to do and how…

PS. nothing is wrong with you wink

Top
#426629 - 02/27/13 12:10 AM Re: current reality - future conquest **triggers** [Re: inprogress]
cuda Offline


Registered: 02/05/12
Posts: 22
Loc: TN
Be careful and make it known to Mark that your care about him but what he did wasn't acceptable, the last thing that you want to do is encourage him into restarting any thing like that again. That will also help you by giving you control over the conversion. Talk to your T and get some recommendations for other Ts that you can give to Mark so he can think about starting his own therapy.


Edited by cuda (02/27/13 12:18 AM)
Edit Reason: gramar/ sp
_________________________
Fighting My Many Headed Dragon

My Story

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...6817#Post426817

Top
#426694 - 02/27/13 04:33 PM Re: current reality - future conquest **triggers** [Re: inprogress]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:23 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

Top
#426718 - 02/28/13 12:12 AM Re: current reality - future conquest **triggers** [Re: cuda]
inprogress Offline


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 3
Loc: CA

Originally Posted By: Ivo
I think it should be good to raise that topic and at least get some kind of acknowledgment from your cousin. - that is actually very hard since we are talking about things that changed many things in your life...


Ivo, some acknowledgment I believe would definitely be helpful and yes those actions had detrimental effects

Originally Posted By: cuda
Be careful and make it known to Mark that your care about him but what he did wasn't acceptable - Talk to your T and get some recommendations for other Ts that you can give to Mark so he can think about starting his own therapy.


Thanks, cuda.. never really thought of that. That's a good point you brought up there. I'm sure he needs a T also, but whether or not he accepts the fact that he needs it, is another story.

Originally Posted By: bodyguard8367
..you should discuss with your therapist. Your T can tell you what to expect and how to respond.


Gonna have to do this before anything. Really not looking forward to walking into anything blindly.

I appreciate all your help guys, I will for sure bring this up at my next session. What to expect and how to respond is paramount.

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.