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#425500 - 02/16/13 09:03 PM A Father Finally Speaks out. Long post.
denver69 Offline


Registered: 02/16/13
Posts: 1
I'm not sure where to begin so I guess a little about my self to start. My name is Michael, I'm a father of 2 children that were both sexually abused. I myself am a victim of physical and emotional abuse as a child but that is for a different discussion.

So i will start with perpetrator, he is my cousin which I considered to be my brother rather than my cousin. He was adopted by my blood aunt and uncle and himself had been abused to what extent I have no idea though.

On Dec, 22nd of 2008 my wife had returned home from work, she was a private home health care nurse. At the time her only client was my grandmother. My aunts mother. We were living in one of my aunts rental properties. Like any other time she had my cousin in toe with her when she came home, which wasn't uncommon. When he was 16 he started having issues with my aunt and uncle and we welcomed him there when ever he needed to get away. We hung out all the time like i said we were more like brothers than cousins.

At any rate i felt i needed to give that info in order to understand the rest of this.

my wife came home from work i was at the computer chilling we talked for a few she went upstairs to lay down the kids were up in their rooms playing. Me and my cousin was talking about the new tattoo he'd gotten a few days before then he says he was gonna go bug the kids, at the time seemed nothing out of the ordinary as he kept them occupied all the time.

About 30 mins went by and my cousin came back down and started watching Tv. A few mins later my daughter comes down and says mom wants you in the bedroom. As soon as i get in the bedroom I know something is wrong. She tells me to shut the door and then tells me what our daughter had just told her. when my wife went out of our bedroom to use the bathroom our daughter peeked her head out of bubs room and said "oh it's just you mommy" and went back in. When my wife went back toward our bedroom our daughter came back out, my wife told her to come here and asked what they were doing she had a guilty look on her face, as a 5 year old does. It took some prying but she finally got our daughter to tell her what was going on. Our son was sucking on my cousin's peepee. Well she was floored. About this time was when my cousin had came back down stairs. She told our son to come in there and asked him the same thing and after a few denials he told her as well. I was called to the bedroom not knowing what i was walking into. After being told all of this my wife refused to let me out of the bedroom as he was still in the house. We sent the kids to their rooms and try to talk this out with each other knowing what we ultimately had to do, and destroy the entire family in the process.

She took him home came back and we went to the cops. Told a detective what had happened, was escorted to CPS, Spent hours there while the CPS worker interviewed both the kids and us. We were then sent to the local child's hospital.

The next day the detective's picked my cousin up for questioning. 30 mins later my uncle shows up at our door telling us we had to Jan 1st to be out of their house. The next day my aunt fired my wife. We refused to move so a week after the 1st of the year we were served an eviction notice.

We tried to get a lawyer but had no money for the retainer. When we went to Small claims court on the first of Feb they lied to the judge and told them we owed them rent and had destroyed the house they had sued us for $3500 which in our state is the maximum you can be awarded. The judge didn't want to hear anything we had to say and awarded them $1675 in damages and gave us 30 days to move.

We were blamed for everything that happened my entire family disowned us.

When court finally came around we were told his lawyer had worked out a deal for a plea agreement after several months of back and forth dealings. Our son had told his story to CPS but our daughter wouldn't talk. Even though my cousin admitted everything to the detectives. And should have gotten a lot more time than he did the plea agreement was for 2 counts of molestation to a minor, the crimes against my daughter was rolled into the plea as well. WHICH IS SHITTY. But my wife and her mother didn't want our son to take the stand. So we agreed. At court he had to allocate to the charges, and left the sentencing up to the judge which could have been anywhere from 4 to 20 years in prison. But before he past sentence he wanted to read the sealed documents from my cousins adoption to determine if there was anything there to consider which there was. The judge ultimately took everything in consideration and sentenced him to 16 years total. 8 years in prison 4 suspended, 4 years of sexual based parole, 4 years of sexual based probation, and life time sex offender registry.

A few months after that CPS closed the case and stopped helping, we were left to fend for ourselves. We tried to keep them in counseling but our insurance kept getting turned off. We dealt with everything as best we could and it wasn't until our son started acting out and was accused of doing the same thing to our daughter that CPS got involved like they should have. Now the kids get the help they need and we've been told it will continue till at least their 18.

Here we are five years later and just deal with things day to day. I don't know what I want out of this, I guess mainly just closure.

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#425514 - 02/17/13 12:02 AM Re: A Father Finally Speaks out. Long post. [Re: denver69]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Michael,

As one father to another, my heart breaks for the pain your children were put through and your own betrayal and abandonment by your family.

I'm glad at least your kids are getting help now... 5 years can seem an eternity, but the vast majority trend among survivors on this site is to wait DECADES for treatment... or never at all. I can barely imagine the pain and shock and sense of violation you must be going through... but at least they both have real opportunities for healing, for wholeness in their future.

You likely have already heard of these, but just in case, some very favored books in these circumstances are "Victims No Longer," "Evicting the Perpetrator," "Why Me?", and "It Happens to Boys Too."

Wishing you and your family all the luck in the world,

Matt
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#425648 - 02/18/13 12:49 AM Re: A Father Finally Speaks out. Long post. [Re: denver69]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Michael - I'm so sorry you and your kids had to go through this.

As a father, I can understand how hard it must be to watch your kid suffer for 5 years and be unable to provide them with the help they need. On the other hand, they have a few things that very few of us on here have
- They were believed. That is big in itself.
- Their perp is off the streets, not lurking around the next corner, ready to pounce on them or some other innocent child.
- They have their parents in their corner.
- They are getting help now.

I'm not saying this to minimize your struggles in any way. I get that it has been very hard. I'm just saying so that you will know that between you and your wife you handled it as well you could under the circumstances, and you are giving your kids a better chance at healing and becoming well-adjusted adults than the vast majority of us had. That makes me happy...
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#425691 - 02/18/13 11:18 AM Re: A Father Finally Speaks out. Long post. [Re: denver69]
confusion4life Offline


Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
i can just say that your kids are very lucky to have you as their father!

they will make it because they have you and your wife to rely on. that is their most important fact regarding their healing.

ela
_________________________
everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

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#425692 - 02/18/13 11:27 AM Re: A Father Finally Speaks out. Long post. [Re: denver69]
confusion4life Offline


Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
i can just say that your kids are very lucky to have you as their father!

they will make it because they have you and your wife to rely on. that is their most important fact regarding their healing.

the biggest hell is over for all of you now. it can only get better and your kids, you will see, will turn out really healthy people because they have really healthy parents.

ela
_________________________
everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

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#426313 - 02/24/13 01:36 PM Re: A Father Finally Speaks out. Long post. [Re: confusion4life]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
I'm not sure if I'm pissed-off or happy ? OK both. Pissed-off because I'm sick & tired of damn abuse & happy because YOU & Your Wife are Angels that most of us did not have. ThankGod: they told you, they were believed, the animal is in jail, you both can continue to nurture those innocents and they will do well, because they have YOU......
PS: pls, pls, pls keep them in T as long as possible.
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Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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#426315 - 02/24/13 01:54 PM Re: A Father Finally Speaks out. Long post. [Re: crazy gecko]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
they have a few things that very few of us on here have
- They were believed. That is big in itself.
- Their perp is off the streets, not lurking around the next corner, ready to pounce on them or some other innocent child.
- They have their parents in their corner.
- They are getting help now.


What he said.


Plus...this is why I continue to do the work I do in Law & Public Policy.
This story is fuel to a guy who has been running on empty for about 4 months now. Thank you for that.

I am flippin CRUSHED over what you all went through. I hope you don't take offense, but your Uncle and Aunt are smeared shit scraped off the floors of Hell. I hate enablers almost as much as I hate perpetrators. They all burn in the same pile in Hell. For them though, it will just be a recycle trip.

Yer a freakin AWESOME father !!!!! You got NO idea how awesome!!!!! Your grand-nature will come back to you ten-fold, you rescuer of children.


Edited by Still (02/24/13 01:55 PM)
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#426386 - 02/25/13 05:31 AM Re: A Father Finally Speaks out. Long post. [Re: denver69]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 550
You have given up a lot for your children, and it will continue to be a struggle. Your son will also continue to struggle. But remember the struggle is worth it. Your reassurance will have to be that if it weren't for you, his struggle would be even worse. Keep loving him. Tell him you believe in him, that he is strong and that it wasn't his fault.

stay strong. Many of us would have given anything to have a father like you. The fight is worth it.
_________________________
"As long as the child within is not allowed to become aware of what happened to him or her, a part of his or her emotional life will remain frozen . . . all appeals to love, solidarity, and compassion will be useless."
-- Alice Miller

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