As many of you know about me, this has been one of my toughest struggles, but most rewarding. It was The Dreaded Mommybitch (TDM, as I'll now call her) who, with her third husband set me up as perfect fodder for my high school guidance counselor perp. I recently discovered it's likely her personality disorder is what's called narcissism. Alcoholism, selfishness, pettiness, controlling, incapable of empathy. And it's a no-win.
The better side of this is freedom to choose those with whom I will and will not associate. TDM's blood family, I've just discovered first hand over the weekend, is far more dysfunctional than I'd ever imagined. They're out. However, her third husband's kids (my generation) are sharp, responsive people and responsible parents. The love sharing their adult kids' accomplishments. For the first time as an uncle, I share their enthusiasm. I treasure our reconnection.
Though I was his adopted son, Dad is dad. And her first husband. His nephew and neices are similarly responsive...a particular bonus for me as we all share the same last name and considerable extended family.
What's most empowering about all of this is that, by taking that scary step, I have a familial support structure I never felt (or even knew) I had. And it's also clear TDM's run at being a demanding, unreasonable bitch is over, at least where my group is concerned. We've tried but - perhaps partially as a result of my reaching out - now we're getting back to our lives...without her. She's retreating in bitterness to her dysfunctional family roots where, imo, she belongs. It's pretty damn sad, really. As my step-sister put it, "What a waste." But TDM has made her own bed.
Here's the other thing Gary: I never expected any of this.
Loc: PDX- Portland OR
Wonderful posts. I love it.
My experience (as you well know) included a tremendous amount of abuse and incest. My family is ravaged by alcoholism and denial and lots of horrible things. I recall a fire burning ritual with my therapist last year where we decided to write down the most major issue I shared with each member of my family. Abandonment, incest, abuse, each member got their own issue. We then burned them up. I DECIDED TO LET IT GO.
Today I no longer discuss them or their individual sins. In a conversation with another man at work who was suffering I disclosed that I had grown up knowing violence, abuse and incest. A few short minutes later in the elevator he asked me if I ever mended the fences with my family. I paused and said, "Let me put it this way--I left the baggage at the station".
It was then that I remembered rushing back to the "Burning Ritual" my counselor and I had performed. Now that I have put them down, all I have to do is refuse to pick them up!!
Holy sh*t G. I REALLY like that "left the baggage at the station"! I'm gonna use it.
Ummm...any licensing terms? Annual or per use?
I put this in another thread, but I'll add it here as well. Last nite, probably for the first time in my life and as a result of this reaching out to those family members I didn't even know supported me, I noticed my psychic perspective (clinical, not mystical) about TDM had changed. In my mind she's now a very small, bitter, pathetic woman, about the size of a bobble head doll. And about as significant. To me, that's exactly the way it should be.
But the change in my perspective is hugely significant. (And without the help of a T at the moment? Doubly significant).
Loc: PDX- Portland OR
No...I freely give it's ownership over to the public domain.
Yes, the perspective therapy brought to my life allowed me the rightful place as protagonist in my own story. Now that I have a perspective of looking at myself from my own eyes, they are truly much smaller. Very Good observation.
I dunno if it helps, Gary. But, aside from the bobble head doll imagery, I've made tentative plans for TDM kicking the bucket. It's a bottle of Moet and some fresh oranges for squeezing = mimosas! Perhaps, too, a wreath of dead flowers and a banner that reads "schadenfreude". So many possibilities. I guess the point is to have some fun at the expense of the unrepentant woman who made my life hell.
I've also considered hiring some Nebraska gymnasts to Shake at her memorial service. Probably won't go over well and, alas, I won't be there, but...
Can't claim credit for that discovery. My bff sent it to me. ;-)
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