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#436091 - 05/28/13 03:19 PM Re: Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers) [Re: redandblueguy213]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 219
Loc: Western Europe
Very recognizable all here in the topic..

It feels good to know that the confusion is not something i only deal with, but that there are many men struggling with the same questions..

To me what makes it difficult to accept that i could be straight, is that when i wasnt abused yet, a friend of mine from that time and me used to jerk eachother off. So it adds with my confusion. Might be that young teenagers try it, but in my case it just makes me extra confused..

thanks for sharing your story, good to know we're not alone!
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#436169 - 05/29/13 08:41 AM Re: Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers) [Re: redandblueguy213]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Yeah, what you said is fairly common in young teenagers. I personally have had a hard time lately, because now I wonder if I was "abused" by my cousin (he is three yrs older) or if we were just experimenting like little kids sometimes do. It was my reaction when I gained full realization of what was going on that really got to me.

Yesterday, I sat down and wrote 5 pages about what happened to me and how it affected my sexual development. When I look at everything I wrote, it kills me. I remember being ten years old I got an erection because a bunch of guys I was in a cabin with at overnight camp said "Hey, we should all see who has the biggest one". I was mortified, but thank god nobody knew what was happening. Still, I was ashamed.

Those types of experiences were common when I was there most summers until I was 14, just a lot of people "showing off the goods" so to speak. As we all got older, other people had erections too, but I still feel ashamed about it. They were sexually powerful events in my life. Still, even though I considered asking, I never acted out sexually with any of them. I am aware that a lot of that falls under the "young teenagers/preteenagers exploring new things" banner, but I question whether I would have done those things if I hadn't had the experiences with my cousin when I was younger.

Outside of that, around 4th grade my cousin stopped messing around with me because I told my parents, but we had already done a bunch of things by then. Fondling, he had tried fellatio on me even though I didn't get hard, so then I tried it on him (at his request) and not much happened; we both tried anal sex but I wouldn't let him get it in, and then when I tried I wasn't hard, and lastly he made me watch him masturbate, which was probably the most vivid memory I have from that entire time.

That left me with an obsession over male anatomy and sex in general. When I first figured out how to masturbate, I would do my best to mimic him right down to the exact place he was standing in in my room. When I started have sexual fantasies, they were usually about guys I went to school with, and especially the guys that bullied me having sex with each other. They used to call me things like "faggot, homo" etc., even though I knew none of them knew about the abuse. But it still made me feel like I had this terrible secret and that maybe they were right, so I would imagine them being gay with each other almost as a ways to control the situation in my head and to turn the tables on them, even though they of course never knew. I would also fantasize about boys two or three years younger than me, but that was linked to the loss of innocence I felt and the desire in my mind to remain a child where all this didn't matter as much. In my mind, I don't know if I thought that somehow I could regain it by imagining taking theirs, or if it was a "misery loves company" type thing, but there it was.

I didn't even start noticing girls until I was 14 or 15, but by then my attitude was "no, they'll never go for that and you'll just get laughed at for trying, so don't bother". To this day I still can't approach women because I feel like there's something wrong with me, and even if I did get close to somebody once they found about all this they either wouldn't understand or they'd just leave.

Then we got high speed internet and I started watching porn most of the time when I wanted to get off. It was always normal types of intercourse, but always penetration focused. A couple of times I watched gay porn and felt awful about it, wondering what it meant about my sexuality.

After I did EMDR, urges to check out gay porn disappeared, and my sexual fantasies usually only involve women. Also, now instead of fantasizing about other people with myself as a passive watcher somewhere, I imagine myself actually there with the other person.

Emotionally though, I can't connect to people. I've used porn for so long I wonder if I just got used to masturbating to the same thing. I find women attractive, but aside from a couple occasions I don't allow myself to get any deeper than a sexual relationship. If I do get closer, I usually put up walls and distance myself. I don't really find men sexually attractive at all and I don't feel romantic towards them either, but now I wonder if all the "gay" stuff I did when I was younger was really just from the abuse or if it was natural for me.

I guess in a nutshell, I've never had a "normal" sexuality. My experiences have left me in a very ambiguous place. I feel like I am probably straight, physically I enjoy women, but I can't make deeper connections with them, and that makes we wonder how much I really like them.

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#436175 - 05/29/13 08:58 AM Re: Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers) [Re: redandblueguy213]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 219
Loc: Western Europe
Thank you for sharing Andy! Clarifies a lot for my situation too!

I have the same with women, though i don't have any sexual relationships. Can't connect deeply enough beyond friendship, afraid of being judged.. there have been 2 girls in my life of which i am pretty sure they liked me too at a certain point in time. But i was always too afraid to try, always passive and never taking the initiative.

I love to work on that, but still there remains the confusion about being straight or perhaps bi/gay.. i want to accept whatever the answer is, but at the same time im so afraid..
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#439961 - 07/03/13 08:00 PM Re: Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers) [Re: redandblueguy213]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Yeah, I don't know. I get jealous over girls I meet when I see them talking with other guys, like "stop talking to that guy and come hang out with me". The first time I kissed a girl was electric, in a "wow, I want to do this more" kind of way. First time I had sex, my girlfriend was on top before we even got started, but I was so excited I was shaking. I enjoy going down on women, although when women go down on me, even though it feels good I don't usually get off.

Then I'll worry at times about wanting to be with men, but I don't have and never have had any romantic feelings there. I do miss really good friends of mine, but I feel like that happens to everybody. If I really start fixating on that question of my orientation, I usually give myself permission to just relax and imagine myself in a situation, and if I happen to get turned on, then go with it. It never happens. If I start fantasizing about women though, I get turned on pretty quick. It's like the answer is more or less there, but I am so doubtful because of how screwed up everything was in the past that I just can't trust myself and leave it be, I have to keep poking at it.

Another interesting sign is that I recently started taking Zoloft for anxiety. That particular worry used to send me into a fit for days or sometimes weeks. Now it just kind of floats out of my head and I don't really think about it much. Still, I wish I knew why all the anxiety surrounds it - I feel like if I could just figure out what perpetuates all this misery and anxiety, then I could "fix" it, and live normally without being a stress case and self isolating. Who knows...

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#440500 - 07/09/13 06:38 PM Re: Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers) [Re: redandblueguy213]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
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Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:27 PM)

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