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#426275 - 02/23/13 11:48 PM some people don't want to see the truth
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 588
Some people really won't accept some truths unless you really force them to. I wrote a poem sharing some of the abuse I went through as a child and shared it with my sister. After reading it, she facebooked me and told me she remembered some of that. I was flabberghasted by that. So I wrote her back and asked to share what specifics she had, because my own memories are very spotty and I often don't trust them.

So she writes me back and told me that she remembers me being upset about things and getting in a fight with our next door neighbor's son. The way she wrote it made it really sound like she didn't recognize at all that I was writing a poem about my abuse, but rather a poem about how I used to get upset too easily. Plus, the next door neighbor didn't have a son so I have no idea where she got that from. I shared all this with my wife and she thinks that my sister just doesn't see how important this is to me. But basically it comes down to me feeling like I shared something very vulnerable with my sister and she responded by saying that she remembers how whiny I was as a kid. My wife thinks I'm being too hard phrasing it that way, but that's how it feels.

I think my sister doesn't get at all that I was hurt and won't udnerstand until I am a lot more clear about it. But given the way she responded to what I did share, I don't think I want to go any farther. And the question is: why is it so important to me that she knows? Well, its not anymore but there was a point where I really thought she was an ally in understanding how abusive my mother was to me (the actual perps were not family members, but my mother put me through a lifelong regimen of pain and fear that basically acted as self-esteem shattering grooming, making me easy pickings for those who wanted to dominate me). But I think now what I saw as preliminary conffessions leading to a real comraderie, she saw as just normal adult children griping about their parents.

And I know my mother was also weird to her, and she's had her own issues in her life about that. And that might be why she's resistant to recognize the deeper wounds that I was trying to show her. But it still hurts.

And then she ends her note back telling me I'd probably feel better if I went on a diet.

grrrrrrrrr.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

Top
#426292 - 02/24/13 04:05 AM Re: some people don't want to see the truth [Re: Jacob S]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
I get it Jacob. Like your approach, before and after. Now you know how much you can share without fucking up your recovery...and you listened to yourself. Good stuff!

Have had similar experiences the past month. Mixed. A few cousins on Dad's side, one in recovery like Dad was, have been pretty receptive and responsive.

The Dreaded Mommybitch (as I call her...a narcissist in psych terms) and her third husband were the ones responsible for creating the abusive environment which made me prime pickin's for my high school guidance counselor perp.

Just had a call with a very drunk cousin on her side. Short version is TDM has continued - surprise! - to badmouth me. He despises his father for being a wimp (not unlike TDM's deceased husband). And his two sisters are similarly bitchy "princesses" - mygawd, at THEIR age? - who twist everything to have it their way. (Don't mean to go Burger King on you). At first I felt as though the call may have been a mistake, but after digesting it I'm thinking it's just good information to have and a clear indication these are people for me to avoid. The women on that side of the family - three generations of 'em now - like their men without backbones.

Best experience so far is my step-sister, a survivor of spousal abuse. A frank, detailed two-hour chat...imo, this is one woman who really has her shit together. In short, she and her brother are fed up with the selfish, petty demands of The Dreaded Mommybitch. Since their father, TDM's enabler, died six years ago they've put up with her manipulation to a point. Now they've all but cut her off. My contribution to them, lest there was any doubt in their minds, was that it's not like they're beholden to their evil step-mother. TDM has the resources to care for herself.

To get back to your question, why did I do it? As I've explored I haven't had any doubts about what happened. Yeah, there have been times I've wondered, "Is it me?" That almost never comes up now. I felt it would be helpful to my recovery if I could confirm my impressions with other family who've had interactions with TDM. Though, in the process of my recovery, I haven't necessarily "needed" their validation, it's gone a long way towards my healing.

What I didn't expect was that it would be palpable. My shoulders and neck are considerably less tight than they've been in years.

The other confirmation is that there's a clear delineation between the two groups. The ones in denial are angry, controlling...or even drunk. The healthier ones have worked their asses off - yeah, including me - to deal with their shit, completely open and frank about themselves.

So Jacob, a round of applause to you.

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#426295 - 02/24/13 06:13 AM Re: some people don't want to see the truth [Re: Jacob S]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 588
Thank you, Lancer. Applause was the last thing I was expecting but it makes me feel . . . validated.

My wife and I call my mother "evilbitchmonster." My family is not one to badmouth anyone. Not out of decency, but rather out of repression. Repression until it boils over in rage. And then we never talked about it, until the next time it happened. Hard to explain. I can't use the right words so it never sounds as bad as it was. But to hear that you understand even the tiniest bit of that . . . well, I still feel alone. I feel like an alien, like I am not a part of the human species. But your words make me thing maybe I am not the only alien.


Edited by Jacob S (02/24/13 06:14 AM)
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

Top
#426296 - 02/24/13 06:57 AM Re: some people don't want to see the truth [Re: Jacob S]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
A couple similar threads, if you're ever in need of more validation (like who on this board isn't in need of it, right?):

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...6202#Post426202

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=426081&page=1

(I like 'evilbitchmonster' btw...catchy!)

That 'feeling like an alien' thing is pretty common, too. Whereas others perhaps have a tolerance for evilbitchmonsters and the like, I pretty much do not. So, whenever I have the choice, I only let those in my life who treat me with respect. And I think the cousin in recovery and my step-sister are two great examples. Even that was more than I ever expected. The rest can go rot as far as I'm concerned.

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