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Life,

At sometime in surviving and recovery, we must face the inevitable. We are the only ones who ultimately "help" us. It does not matter one whit what anyone else thinks, or if they attempt to impose their ideals or morality upon us. What is acceptable? That question is being challenged on a minute by minute basis, only we can determine that for ourselves. What that means is something only we can, in our own time and ability, choose to define. If that means hiking in India's mountains or slopping pigs in Kansas or Occupy Wall Street demonstrations, whatever.

Survivors band together and when we gather, we feed off the shares and experiences of each other. Please do not be critical of other's attempts to help you feel better. It is offered, this empathy, it is not expected to change the perspective of another survivor overmuch. Association gets us the majority of the way but we need to create healthy associations in ourselves as well.

No one one can heal you, indeed nor any of us, only we can heal ourselves, only when we are ready, not a moment before then. But when you are ready, your fellow survivors will be here to support you.

Sam

I'm not gonna try to dissuade any of what you posted. I fully agree! You've hit "that realization" that applies to you today. I've been there.

As for "the blind leading the blind"... yup! We are that too. Some of us eventually get to realizing that NO ONE outside this site (cept fer the girls' site - Pandys) wants to hear a bloody word we have to say.

Most of us have no frnds or family who genuinely wants to hear a WORD of it. This is the only place that even mildly tolerates my CSA and fkd-up persona. But at least its that.

I'm really hoping you get through this quickly. I know this mode yer in and it sucks the life outta you.

I will only say that the blind leading the blind is indeed accurate but I rather follow someone who has the guts to wage war on this shit. Even when they don't have a clue what they are doing or where they are going. I stopped expecting others to understand cuz guess what they don't and they never will. Because they don't care to understand themselves. So we dig into ourselves to reveal whatever comes up. You have no memories, then deal with what you can see and what is tangible. Right now you are angry, feel that way down deep. You are right to be angry. We hear you. We can't fix you. We can walk with you blindly. Better together than alone.

Daniel

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Your words about social engineers and social cogs is exactly how I feel about 99% of therapists. I don't often bring it up because I don't want to be a discouragement to anyone who is being helped, but for me your words fit most of what I've experienced.

I agree that too many therapists think whether or not you have a job is the most important aspect of healing. I'm totally on board with you about the cog in society thing. I've met precious few who see the inherent value of a human life. But I have met a few. Had a good one for years. Don't have one now because the good ones are awfully hard to find. I'm not one to say its worth the search because I'm not actively searching right now myself, but they aren't all the same . . . just most of them.

For me, optimism is not false hope, it is just not prematurely closing myself off to the idea that something good could happen. For other people, it is a belief system and I do tend to pull away from people who expect that to work for everyone.

The activity levels on this board are weird to me. I'm used to video game culture message boards where if you post something, you'll get a response within 10 minutes. The responses on those sites are often flippant and shallow and anything this deep would be met with stupid jokes, but at least it is some kind of attention, even if it is hollow. Trying to readjust my expectations to the relative slowness of this board has been a challenge to not feel ignored. But in the end there is nothing magic about this board, and I have to remind myself that everyone is just doing their best. Its all about expectations. I've adjusted from expecting these boards to give me quick support to seeing these boards as a way to express myself, and any feedback is an added bonus but not a guarantee. That's not to say I don't appreciate the feedback -- I really really do. I just have to teach myself that I can't wait for the perfect reply before feeling good that I said my piece.

When I am really hurting, I write, write, write. It doesn't always help, but at least it is honest.

And yes, the pedophiles win. There is no guaranteed justice. I've been working on a poem about just that. Its not finished, but since you touch on exactly the same point I hope its OK if I share it here:

Justice Denied

I saw the people in the pews
The ones who said they never knew
I saw the people choose to flee
when faced with what they would not see

God in the clouds, polishing his crown
Rats overflow the sewers, ravaging the town
God in his porch chair, watching all us sin
Will he judge the lazy for being just like him?

Look at the corrupt and we'd have to face
A life where the safest of buildings isn't safe
We'd rather pretend that the ones we trust are nice
Pay for that line with the children's sacrifice


Ok, those are my responses to everything you said. It probably doesn't make you feel any better. Its not really intended to. I just want to let you know a lot of what you said makes a lot of sense to me, but maybe connecting with other people who are unhealable is the whole point.

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Shit, Life... You had me worried. I know you don't know me at all, but none the less, I was worried you were shutting down. Glad you're back.

Hi LAD,

It seems like you're doing some manic-depressive cycling. Maybe it is just the new meds, but it's something to think about.

We're here for you, and thanks for being there for me.

Cant

Huh. not sure what that makes me, since much of your message resonated with me. But I am glad you seem to be feeling a little better.

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Hi LAD --

Glad you didn't delete. A couple thots I've gotten over the years in 12-step meetings, fwiw.

"Blind leading the blind" pretty much describes what started as AA and led to other 12-step groups. Alcoholics helping alcoholics was thot outrageous nonsense at the time (1930s-40S) by the "professionals". But the track record is that sharing experience, strength and hope works for a lot of people.

As for ups and downs, well, people go thru that...which probably makes you human. I once had a sponsor describe it to me as a pendulum, since I came in bouncing off the walls. Gradually, the emotional swings became less severe. Put another way, generally my highs aren't as high and my lows aren't as low. But, yeah, extremes still scare me.

Personally I love a good rant and to rail against the world.
Stomp your feet and scream all you want.
I'll still be here with a bag of popcorn and maybe a big gulp of root beer.
you are dear to me Life; both life's.
dumont

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This is one of the best places to blow a circuit LAD. And you're not responsible for discouraging anyone. If anything, blowing a circuit here probably helps people because, again, it makes you human.

That's why I don't go back and read my old posts.