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#426476 - 02/25/13 08:01 PM Re: Please..I would love your input!!! [Re: Lancer]
Friend2help Offline


Registered: 12/25/10
Posts: 39
Lancer..I never sent you a PM.

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#426756 - 02/28/13 10:34 AM Re: Please..I would love yoru input!!! [Re: Friend2help]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 271
Loc: NY
Friend2help.

Your story is very interesting and resonant with my experience.

I don't know the details of your friend's experience, but it sounds like his challenge is family in general. Like him, I have been a good son. There are reasons to do this that have to do with wanting a family and believing in it. Part of that belief is that healing is possible.

What strikes me most about your reflections on what happened is that you see yourself as someone who is not afraid of intimacy. While I understand, respect and admire that, you would need to slowly acknowledge that for someone who has had many boundaries crossed in their family, what might appear normal for an intimate relationship, can easily become problematic. One of the best ways to approach someone like that is with vulnerability. If your friend is anything like me, he is probably waiting for someone who shares their fears up front.

This is because intimacy for us can be confusing at first. If the person who was supposed to be taking care of us crossed boundaries, then any evidence of boldness on the intimacy department is very frightening and is a reminder that it is time to run.

While this might sound like a closed door to a relationship, I urge you to consider that most intimate relationships must deal with the issue of fear at some point.

Hope this helps.
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#426794 - 02/28/13 07:15 PM Re: Please..I would love yoru input!!! [Re: Friend2help]
Friend2help Offline


Registered: 12/25/10
Posts: 39
THANKS Focusedbody..

I appreciate your taking the time to comment! We have discussed fear A LOT...word he used "terrified"...in relation to any type of relationship past friendship. We have talked in detail about this subject...as well as many other subjects.

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#426891 - 03/01/13 11:13 PM Re: Please..I would love yoru input!!! [Re: Friend2help]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 271
Loc: NY
Friend2help:

Glad you wrote back, but you still may be missing my point here. You may have talked about being afraid of a relationship. That can be good. But have you yourself considered what you might be doing that might be triggering his response?

In standard relationship terms this might be thought of as a question of what you have to change or are willing to change. However, with a CSA survivor, I think it's more about finding out what was terrifying for him and being interested enough to know if you effect him the same way.

As men, we are not supposed to be terrified. As a survivor, the terror itself doesn't always make sense. For years I didn't understand why I was terrified. Now it's a bit clearer. Hearing from a friend that they are interested in the terror itself can help make things easier.

Hope you can find some food for thought in this.
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#426892 - 03/01/13 11:23 PM Re: Please..I would love your input!!! [Re: Friend2help]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
He's married.

I don't mean to be insensitive but he is indeed married. And that means two things to me - 1. He was capable of a relationship in the past and 2. He has not terminated that relationship.

That said, you deserve better. His "delayed fury" could be CSA, but it could also be guilt.

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#426903 - 03/02/13 02:36 AM Re: Please..I would love your input!!! [Re: Friend2help]
Friend2help Offline


Registered: 12/25/10
Posts: 39
Esposa...UMMM...he has been going thru with this divorce for 3 1/2 yrs....he moved out about 4 yrs ago...he DISPISES her...he is NOT MARRIED....just because the courts have not finalized the divorce... Trust me that relationship has been LONG terminated.it was a horrific marriage and was doomed from even before they said , " I do"

And..this is not about any relationship between he and I. HE has been heavily damaged by this marriage...she was and IS WICKED

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#426904 - 03/02/13 02:38 AM Re: Please..I would love your input!!! [Re: focusedbody]
Friend2help Offline


Registered: 12/25/10
Posts: 39
focusedbody..I sent you a PM

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#426950 - 03/02/13 02:19 PM Re: Please..I would love your input!!! [Re: Friend2help]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
F2h - I understand what your view of his marriage is. But since you are not in it and sound like you don't know the wife, I would urge you to insert the following phrase in your sentences and in your mind... "HE SAYS" He says he moved out, he says he despises her, he says she is wicked. I caution you to avoid adopting these pieces of information as fact, so that you continue to protect yourself and so that you get the things from life and love that you deserve.

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#426951 - 03/02/13 02:35 PM Re: Please..I would love your input!!! [Re: Friend2help]
Friend2help Offline


Registered: 12/25/10
Posts: 39
Esposa..i actually HAVE met the ex wife...on several occasions....and spoke to her once for 2 hours....and I SAW IT ALL..everything he said and more....

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#426952 - 03/02/13 02:39 PM Re: Please..I would love your input!!! [Re: Friend2help]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
I still say what I initially said, you deserve what you want and need. Perhaps he simply cannot give it to you, for whatever reason.

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