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#426147 - 02/22/13 02:39 PM ****TRIGGER ALERT******What to do
Alyk13 Offline


Registered: 02/21/13
Posts: 9
I am the wife of a male survivor. I am also a survivor, however I disclosed my abuse at a young age and was removed from the home and saw a counselor, this does not mean I am in any way perfect, I still have my struggles, but I was validated as a child. My H just learned about 4 years ago about his abuse. I knew he would be ANGRY, I knew there was only so much I could do to help him, I found him a counselor immediately with no support from his family (they still think it didn't happen). Anyway he went for awhile, I learned about an affair, lots of porn, etc.....
Here's the problem: I am being yelled at all the time. H is continually bringing up my past and saying he would have never married someone like me. When we were dating, we talked about our pasts, some very vague, and some was not wanted to be heard. The past just comes up over and over and over. H demanded that he should be able to experience sex for just sex with just anyone because he didn't get to do that.
I have been very opened minded!!!! I have had my own insecurities to overcome when it comes to sex. We have shared fantatsies and even acted out some, so I am a very accepting person. We have sex A LOT!!!!! At least 1 a day and often more. If I say no for any reason, H feels rejected like he's not good enough, etc...I know this is part of CSA, but then withdrawl, and ANGER all over again all about me.
I just really don't know how long I can endure this anger directed at me and about me. I love him very much, we have been married over 20 years, there is so much more that I could write, It is effecting my attitude, my trust our children and I'm just at my witts end!!!!!!


Edited by Alyk13 (02/22/13 02:57 PM)
Edit Reason: Additional thoughts
_________________________
Aly

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#426258 - 02/23/13 04:35 PM Re: ****TRIGGER ALERT******What to do [Re: Alyk13]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
Hi Alyk: Hope yo'r not upset at the 'male only forum' I too posted there on my 1st day, not knowing it's for men only. So much to learn but TG we are learning !
I too am a wife & a survivor. What I have learned is that it is very different for the men - very hard to open up,very angry, self-esteem, very sexual or not at all, searching for ?????? & more..... We are NOT in the same shoes ! It's harder for the men to go through this, it just IS.
For us T together & alone has helped so much, lots of books too. Unfortunately Society has allowed women to admit to rape etc but not until recently for men - it is still an area that many Ts do not handle, much less families & friends.
I do believe (& have experienced) that IF 2 people want recovery, they will find it albeit hard. "Anything worth it, takes time" - keep on asking, talking, listening,reading & posting. Job #1, take care of Yourself... Good Thoughts go out to you & yours.
_________________________
Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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#426271 - 02/23/13 08:27 PM Re: ****TRIGGER ALERT******What to do [Re: Alyk13]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Quote:
H demanded that he should be able to experience sex for just sex with just anyone because he didn't get to do that.

And he thinks most people did? I think he has been watching too much porn. Most people that I know of never experienced what he thinks he missed.

It sounds like he needs help for his sex addiction. That and other problems. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have a full and happy sex life but it sounds like you could make bunnies jealous with your frequency.

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#426290 - 02/24/13 03:08 AM Re: ****TRIGGER ALERT******What to do [Re: Alyk13]
Rosemary Offline


Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Candu I know this is a serious topic but I had to laugh at your comment about bunnies because you took the words right out of my mouth. I must agree with you that sex addiction appears to be the problem at hand, it is just another crutch.
_________________________
Rosemary

Partner Support
South African Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse
Web page www.samsosa.org

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#426677 - 02/27/13 01:07 PM Re: ****TRIGGER ALERT******What to do [Re: Wife - Survivor]
Alyk13 Offline


Registered: 02/21/13
Posts: 9
First Thank you all for the posts. I understand that we are very different from men and it is much harder in some areas than others for each of us.
YES, I feel like he uses sex as a crutch and has for years, yes on the porn ( this has subsidded some) If I say no he takes it personal against himself, not against sex at the moment. He believes that because we are married sex should happen anytime anyplace. Sure if we lead a balanced life and it just happened. smile

Most people that I know of never experienced what he thinks he missed.
So true!!! Sorry if I didn't post this correctly still learning the site.

H went to therapist for only 3 months after discovery and then said it was a waste of money. He just takes it out on me most of the time. This last weekend we spent a good 48 hours of anger, bitterness, etc.....I am just so exhausted with this!! He calls me names and brings up EVERY mistake from our whole marriage to get angry and hurt about. I just can't keep living in the past like this. I have mentioned he needs to talk to someone else, mentioned this site, if I walk away from his anger(even though I tell him why I'm leaving the room) he says I'm ignoring the problem and that I'm selfish.
THIS IS SO HARD!!!!!
_________________________
Aly

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#426684 - 02/27/13 01:39 PM Re: ****TRIGGER ALERT******What to do [Re: Alyk13]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
I feel for your both, each trying to find YOUR OWN way & that will differ for all. PLEASE find a T for your self! You could use some hrs sorting this out w/a Prof who deals with CSA. Seems a lot of CSA folks (M&F) leave T saying it's too much $, I don't like it, I'm 'fine, It can just go back into the box, It's not for MEEEE....
My/our experience has been that it just plain HURTS like Hell. It's like the Dentist; pain=treatment=improvements! Once we Wanted Changes & better selves we continued & now our lives are so much better. Hang in there but only while taking care of Yourself !
_________________________
Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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#428824 - 03/23/13 12:35 PM Re: ****TRIGGER ALERT******What to do [Re: Alyk13]
L84 Offline


Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 22
Loc: USA
Good point about Dentist! Although I would liken it more to being a burn victim. Sometimes I could not do anything as I got help other than to let the wound ooze (sorry gross), but that was the best I could do at times. It does get better, but it is a process. It stinks for those close by, because they are just the ones most easily touched by the pain and the lashing out. It is not an excuse to do it, but it does happen.

We hate the pain and shame, but that is what spurs us on to get help. If we didn't have pain, I guess we would put our hand on the stove and burn it off to the elbow and realize "what's that smell?".

It takes a strong supporter to draw the boundaries (we need) so we can see that is healthy... It just looks like rejection at first since our boundaries were so badly violated.

Supporters are truly showing love (why would anyone overlook the junk thrown at them to help someone like a malesurvivor). I think we males can be the worst for being humble and asking for help.

What got me to the point of "whatever it takes" was PTSD and other alarming symptoms that were not in line with my personality and character. In the words of a wise quote I heard, "the acid of my pain, ate through the wall of my denial".

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#428834 - 03/23/13 02:31 PM Re: ****TRIGGER ALERT******What to do [Re: Alyk13]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 359
Alyk,
Just my 2 cents worth. If I am correct, you found about an affair and porn and such??? by yelling at you and looking at your faults, he doesn't have to look at HIS problems and HIS bad behaviours. By keeping you off balanced in that manner, none of his shit is looked at. this way you are the problem and he doesn't have to take any responsibility for his own problems.

Sounds like sex addiction may be an issue here. Try to get him to go to Sex aholics anon and Cosa or S'anon for you. Life saver for us.

Maybe you should just detach from him when he goes off like that. Just look at him and say "Really"? Engaging with my husband when he was crazy did nothing but make matters worse.

Good luck!

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