...with careless abandon you throw about descriptions,
wounded, inner child, abandonment issues, PTSD, suicidal,
We talk endlessly, a dull murmur punctuated with hot tears,
We speak about trust, self esteem, and change-all of which seem elusive

I cannot be self righteous without becoming Angry
I cannot speak about the past without fearing the pain
I cannot deliver the truth of it all, for my mind fears my mouth
I suffer on and on and on...shakes, insomnia, LACK of so much

The day has come when the secrets are told,
when I set the book upon the table and open to the pages,
passages written in secret, with a quill dipped in blood,
by a shamed embarrassed little boy with huge secrets

I have come to know him, and continually deny him his flaggelations
I do not co sign his guilt and challenge his anguish over and over
I remind him that he was so amazingly strong,
I remind him that he cannot remember any event which would provoke my scorn,

We walk together today,
my acceptance with his criticisms,
My self love, and his terrible fear,
My joy, and his endless melancholy,

He cried when I set aside the armor and laid down the sword,
He didn't believe that our enemies could not slay us,
I took him by the hand and stepped out into the world,
and showed him how safety lies in truth,
and how the secrets cannot destroy us........

i love the poem.
i don't get the title.
they don't seem to fit together.
i don't mean this as a criticism
but i guess there is somthing i don't understand.
the poem is strong and positive.
the title sounds uncertain or disconnected ...
i don't know

lee

Lee,

I am the Counterfeit Male. Gay, ostracized, ignored, Painfully Abandoned, all the things that are the antithesis of the Real Man.

Like the Dollar bill that has all the exterior trappings of currency but is not honored as such, I myself have all the exterior trappings of maleness, but am not honored as such. Violated in a way that males do not allow themselves to be.

That is what I mean by Counterfeit Male.

As a Counterfeit Male I sit in Therapy to obtain maleness...but no matter what reason I chose for coming, MALENESS is not the focus of our discussion, but COUNTERFEIT IS. We discuss all the reasons I am NOT what I felt I should have been.

We go through all the manifestations of my abuse and by what method I am counterfeit. Self Righteous Anger and so on.

Later, slowly, therapeutically, I begin to question my status. I no longer hold the values that labeled me counterfeit.
I no longer fight the child within and deny his pain. I embrace it and allow him his fear, and his anger, I profess to him that his self hatred is not valid, and I swear that his actions (no matter what they are) inspire me only to love him, {self love}.

It is then that I embrace life as it is. I took back my power and denied the KING his sport. I don't hate, even such vicious crimes as those perpetrated upon me, (RAPE, INCEST, VIOLENCE AND ABUSE) are beneath my notice today. I rescue the tortured frozen boy, and teach him how to cry it out, how to let it go, how sunflowers and puppies are way more fun than revenge. I learned that the bags I helped him carry were unnecessary, bulky, huge, and represented a martyrdom that he did not deserve and could not survive. He who bore it all, at long last, did we not suffer enough? Did I not deserve to enjoy at least half my life??

They who did this to me are beneath my scorn, they no longer have my attention, they no longer scare my child self. They are no longer the focus of my survival which has become Self-revival.

I apologize for being so candid, but I worked so hard, (OMG so very fucking hard) to be here, that I take ecstatic pleasure in my recovery and life.

The Butcher who spent my childhood filleting my soul still lives, and still hurls insults. The counterman who sold my flesh, who delivered me to the slaughter still lives, still denies my pain or anguish. No jail nor justice has ever been afforded me, save one.....I gave myself the permission to abandon the hatred and revenge. I seek no destruction of my incestuous family, nor of my non family molester. Their destruction and death will be the very small, tiny event that doesn't even register upon the radar screen in my world.

That is what I mean by Counterfeit. NOT What I appear, and NOT what I thought it would be. I never dreamed that by letting them go I freed myself. They may have put me in hell.....but I walked out in spite of the Devil Himself.


That IS what I mean.

Thank you for asking.

(Yes I know I am complex...and emotional...thanks for reading)

G - thank you for the explanation. it is practically poetry itself. your writing is very effective - both the poems and the prose.

your explanation makes sense to me on one level. if i accept all the definitions and terms that you seem to assume, it is perfectly logical and has an internal consistency.

however, i question some of those assumptions. the biggest difference i have with what you've said is your implied definition of "male." maybe i am wrong - and jumping to conclusions - if so, forgive me for reading my own conditioning into your situation. but if you define maleness as strong, silent, self-sufficient, insensitive, driven, macho, muscular, then i have major problems with that - and would say - congratulations on NOT identifying with that fake, dishonest, unreal, harmful stereotype.

the next objection is the implications of "counterfeit." just because you don't fit that sterotype does not mean you are not valuable - conterfeit means a worthless imitation. that is not what i see in your writing. i see authenticity. i see wounded strength. i see genuine compassion and determination and endurance. that to me sounds like a worthwhile human - regardless of the gender labels and preconceptions.

Lee

Lee,

I understand your objections.

You say that if I define maleness as strong, silent, macho...then you have an issue with that and congratulate me on not identifying with that stereotype.

You say that my use of counterfeit indicates that I view myself as having no value, and you challenge that interpretation.

I agree with all that you have said here....yet still I think we lack a true understanding of each other.

Let me state it all another way.

My poem indicates a shift in perspective.

I look back to the beginning of my therapy journey and see that My goals for therapy were mired in deep self hate and blame for all that had gone on with me. I wanted to become a "real man" (whom I thought would be a different person-I hungered to be other than what I was)


I describe the best recollection of the way I felt then, and that is difficult because I no longer feel that way.

I then describe my interpretation of where I am today. The whole point of the writing or poem is the irony in perspective.

I sought help thinking that I was fatally flawed, a partial man missing some necessary traits which had caused all my misery and victimization.

I received help and found that I was not to blame. That my perspective had to change, that the values I had been taught were incredibly wrong.

I changed. But not like I had thought I would. Instead of becoming someone else (my original assumption for therapy) Instead of becoming a "real man" I learned to redefine "real man" until I accepted that I already was one.

This process was difficult and hard. BUT--it worked.


I went to therapy because I considered myself "damaged goods" which I label "counterfeit male".

My goals for therapy (I thought) were to change me into what I should have been, "a true male".

The actual result of therapy has been (and, I discovered, always is) acceptance.

The "poem" indicates my journey in which my perspective changes.

The final lines indicate the fear and reluctance that I have experienced with learning not to hate myself or my inner child. I today have to continually abandon the value system I was taught and remember that I have no need to use the old ways to defend myself. Those old points of view and methods for dealing with life almost destroyed me, and even yet, it was like learning to speak a new language.

I hope you follow what I have tried to illuminate. It was very personal, it was filled with much effort, and it illuminates the "journey" and "long term" aspects of my therapy.

Incest challenges self worth to the point that survival itself becomes a miracle. All that I write here and journal about reflects a tremendous effort on my part not only to survive, but to thrive. I have been involved and invested in therapy five different times in my life. When I first went I was fifteen and my family sought the redirection of my sexual orientation. when I last went I was forty two and sought the relief of depression surrounding my family of origin and incest.

I identify with much that you write about and place here. I respect you and others so much! It gives me great pleasure to participate. Please forgive me my passionate wordings, and implied meanings. I do not find them difficult to understand, but then I have so much context that others do not.

Love Geoff

Geoff -
OK - YES - that all makes perfect sense - and i can affirm all that you said - sorry i was so dense in interpreting it to begin with. and thank you so much for taking the time and effort to explain. hope i didn't exasperate you too much. of course we all bring our own set of connotations and filters with us. this has been helpful to me to follow through step-by-step and untangle the misunderstandings.
Lee

Lee

All of that...the communication, the effort to understand, the common ground.......


That is why I love you.
That is why I love you man...Thank you for being my friend.

Geoff

Geoff -

thanks, this means a lot.

love you too, friend.

Lee