Do I hate her? Yes and no. Do I love her? Yes and no. Do she deserve to be in my life, does she need to be in my life, is there any possible benefits from having her in my life? All no's.

She's my mother, a pathetic one. She failed me. She neglected me. She is and always has been an alcoholic. She is and always has run away from her problems. In her mind, I imagine she's a princess who's not being given what she deserves in life and doesn't understand why life is so cruel to her. She's stupid. But deep down it's possible, she has a good heart. Does she deserve all of her suffering? Yes. Why? Because she's failed in a lot of ways, hurting many people, but to keep it personal, she failed me. I think it's her own conscious that tears her apart, and in my way of seeing things, it's karmic. She knows she's done wrong, but she does nothing to fix or atone for anything, she instead has this fantasy mindset that she's a princess and the world is just supposed to fit her dreams.

She runs away from life, thinking she can hide from her problems, she differs blame to make herself feel better, she assumes no responsibility over life because she thinks she deserves everything. As my therapist brought up, she's quite narcissistic as well. She makes more money than my dad, but my dad works x10 harder trying to start up his dream business, and he's gotta break an arm and a leg just to get her to help him pay house payments. She thinks she doesn't have to pay for the house. What is this, the 1950's? Yet she has the audacity to tell me that I'm an adult and I should get a job and help out payment for the house.

To further my disbelief in her, she's vengeful towards me. She wants to get back at me for her own failure to raise me. Is it just me or does that sound unimaginably stupid? Can she really love me if she feels that way? Or is it a selfish love that she needs for her own self, discarding my need for love and disregarding how she gets it. But by no means is it the kind of love a mother should have for their child, nor is it unconditional.

Some quotes I've heard her say to me and my father are; "So he thinks I'm an alcoholic huh, (takes shots of whiskey) I'll show him what a real drunk is", "You think alcohol is bad, why don't I just take heroin I'll feel much better too." Says me, "You'll just be hurting yourself, how smart is that?" She replies, "No, I'll be hurting you." And with that last one, I realize, she is vengeful. She wants to hurt me, but she cannot realize she already has made my life a living hell. How could she hurt me anymore?

She is a stupid, pathetic, human being whom I can't stand to witness. She deserves all the pain she endures, and I can't help but feel a sense of justice to see her in pain. But I realize now what I didn't before. She will never change, she can never be the mother I never had. And as my therapist said, "I sometimes tell survivors, you just need to let go of hope." Which I thought was ironic, for if I had no hope I wouldn't be here, but I did at the same time realize, I was wishing for a dream that will never come true which feeds my anger and resentment all the more. It is true, I have to give up the hope of ever having my mother be what she was supposed to be to me, otherwise I will be disappointed and upset by her actions because they conflict with my dream for everyday that I keep her to those standards.

And with that said, I no longer have a mother...

...but then again when did I ever have one?

Where does such a cold, evil heart come from?

Why do we so often feel like THEY are allowed to seek excuses and reasons --- reasoning? Why do WE FEEL like WE need to make allowances for THEM?

Where is it written that the little boys and girls need to bend so that THEY won't break?!?!?

I really think you might find my recent thread helpful. It's a long read, but worth it:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=426136&page=1

One thing I glommed on CF was your T's use of the term narcissist. That's important. NPD is a significant psychiatric condition. One site I found helpful and extremely validating:
http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/mothers-with-narcissistic-personality-disorder.html

In short, both I and my family found there's no winning. And that's true for her social circle, except for those she's newly reeled in. For some of us - especially me - the best solution for our own sanity was to walk away. As far as "compassion"...well, my step-sister shared a thought which summarizes my feelings: What a damn waste. But there comes a point when enough is enough.

Yes, the betrayal is lousy. But my life has been considerably quieter and more rewarding the past <ahem> 20+ years as, apparently, she's become more filled with vitriol. Even when confronted, she can't/doesn't get it. And there's nothing anyone can do about it.

*

I think I have the same kind of mother. But luckily for me I don’t have to live with her since she left when I was a baby. She’s exactly as you describe, like she’s perfect and totally innocent and everyone else is just supposed to do what she says. And if they don’t then its because they’re out to get her or there’s something wrong with them. She uses the fact my dad is stupidly still in love with her to get money from him.

If I ask her why she left me she just says “Oh not this again. That was a long time ago.” Like I’m not allowed to be upset about it? I’ve never yet got an answer. Practically everything she says hurts me and I have to wonder, is it because she’s really stupid and clueless that she doesn’t realise it hurts? Or is it on purpose? Then what did I ever do to her to make her hate me so much? Tbh this hurts me more than anything else that happened.

Now I feel vengeful towards her…

My therapist said the same kind of thing. That sometimes you will never get what you want or need from someone so maybe you need to stop trying. It's hard to think about that. But if they are narcissistic then there’s practically no hope in them suddenly realising they’ve been wrong all this time. And less than zero chance of them ever being sorry. Surely your life can only be better without her in it? Like you said, she's never really been a mother to you. You don't owe her anything.

Thanks guys for all the replies, your words are all wise and I am so gracious to have this kind of support from you guys. I'm doing a bit better now, just working out this shit. I been dealt a bad hand just like you guys, and we're all trying to figure it all out. I respect you guys so much, and truly, I value you all as individuals, thanks a million still, Lancer, Smalltown80sboy, and txb, you guys are great. Each of your responses have genuinely touched me, I just want you all to know that.

To put this another way: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

I held out hope for years that my alcoholic parents would change. It was a false hope that was never realized. We can only change ourselves.

Jude