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#426192 - 02/22/13 09:57 PM Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers)
redandblueguy213 Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 6
Hey guys,

I wanna share my story and what one of my biggest struggles has been for many years now. Your feedback and being here means a lot, it's a place where I am not too worried about being judged or made fun or in any regard. This is scary for me… thanks in advance for your understanding.

I was sexually abused by my stepbrother when I was around five years old. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I do remember that it took place in the living room (to a side of a couch where we couldn't be seen) when he slept over, in the sleeper of my dad's truck when my dad would be asleep (we would be on a different bed), in my dad's friend's van (when we waited for them to pick up food at a restaurant), and in a hotel room where I thought he was surely going to kill me because I wanted it to stop.

It took me a long time to gather up the courage and tell my mom because I really had no idea what was going on, but it didn't feel right and made me feel very anxious and that some bad was happening. When I told my mom he was staying the night and I can't remember the details, but I know that when she told my dad I was in his truck and waited for my mom to come and get me and let me know what was going to happen.

I also remember being taken to an emergency room and be poked and prodded for what I think were tests to see if I was hurt physically and if he (my step brother) was sick that he might've given me something.

Things went to court and got really ugly between my dad's children (my step brother and step sister) and then I thought things would be over and done with. I never knew what was going on and didn't for many years later.

There was another instance that my dad's nephew also started to mess with me sexually under the guise of him teaching me what I could do with a girl when I would be older. I never told anyone anything, and I don't exactly remember what happened with my cousin either. No one to this day knows, I'm not sure if he even remembers but I do.

My question/ situation is, I am straight but have moments and strong urges to see gay porn and act out.

There was a point where I thought that maybe I was gay or bi, and did try and meet guys and do stuff with them. It seemed that I didn't really care about their personalities, as long as they really liked me and we could do sexual stuff. I wasn't happy being with a guy, just that I could get off with a guy. I'm not sure if it was because of the familiarity (same plumbing) or if it was because it's all I knew (because of the abuse) and did a lot of reading on gay erotica too.

Before my realization that I had been sexually abused as a kid, I was only attracted to girls and would get a boner from watching a hot girl kiss a guy (I wanted to be the guy) and had crushes on girls in elementary school and middle school.

It was then that things changed because everyone around me was a perv (so to speak) and I wasn't. Yeah, I had my moments when I had random boners and wanted to date girls but it apparently was not to the extent these guys were at. That continued through high school and always left me feeling weird and different, not only because I didn't want people to know what I had realized happened to me as a kid (the sexual abuse) but that I was also different because I wasn't ALWAYS thinking about boobs and vaginas and hooking up with a girl and wanting to do those things.

Because I was not happy being with a guy (only to get my rocks off, not emotionally) I let my sheets cool so to speak (not that I got a lot of action or anything, only was with two guys) and got into a relationship with a girl. She was aggressively sexually, first girl who I got to touch her boobs and we were both surprised that I didn't have a boner. I was mad at myself and tried to think of the times when I was with a guy and had gotten off to try help get a boner that night, and it help at didn't at all. She kept rubbing me, inside my underwear, and nothing happened. I was really embarrassed and ashamed.

Eventually in our relationship, down the road, I could get hard and was happy to be hard around her, and one night she forced me to have sex with her. I wasn't exactly ready, but was afraid she would think less of me because I couldn't get hard when we first fooled around and now didn't want to have sex. I stopped it shortly and couldn't tell her that I felt what she did was wrong because she was crying saying she forced me too. I didn't know what to say, so I said that it wasn't true but it was and I felt like now I was hurt by guys and girls. Again, I felt that I couldn't be honest with the people who I cared for and claimed to care for me.

Now, I have been trying to be able to jack off to straight porn but I feel that it doesn't do it for me and gay porn does. Not completely, but it does much more for me than straight porn.

I want to be able to see boobs and get hard and get off to straight porn as easily as other straight guys do, or even lesbian porn. Instead I feel that I'm stuck with gay porn and even though it does get me off, I don't want it to. I don't want to think about guys that way at all, I want to be as sexually driven to girls as other straight guys are.

My combined experiences as well as not having a very deep voice and being terrible at sports, has always left me feeling not like a normal guy… I keep feeling like they can tell I'm not the same as them, and it leaves me very confused, frustrated, and hurt easily by other guys and myself.

I get really hurt when a friend says graphic things like the word "fucking" in the sense of sex (like, he fucked this girl this weekend or something)l. I feel that he is making fun of me even though I know he's not and has no idea about my past and how much I struggle with trying to find a girl to be happy with.

Has anyone gone through something like this?

If so, can anyone offer any advice how to get through this? I feel like I'm always failing at being straight.

I can't tell my friends and family. My mom knows to a degree and so does the girl that forced herself on to me, but no one knows the true extent of it and it scares me and really makes it hard to be myself because I feel that I don't know what that is anymore.

Sorry for my rant guys, it's a lot of back story to make my question/ situation more clear.


Edited by redandblueguy213 (02/22/13 09:57 PM)

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#426238 - 02/23/13 09:18 AM Re: Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers) [Re: redandblueguy213]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 39
If you read around here you'll notice that you are not alone, so many people have experienced something similar. I know that it's not easy and I'm relatively new on the road to some sort of healing but I've found that notion very helpful.

Talk about it, read through these forums and if you don't have a therapist you should probably look for one-getting it out is a big first step.

I recently discussed my issues with a therapist and he talked a lot about sexuality and how it's often not so cut and dry-theres more fluidity to it for most (kinsey scale), and hearing him say "it's okay to be straight and have done what you've done" was such a huge weight off my shoulders...good luck.

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#426299 - 02/24/13 08:38 AM Re: Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers) [Re: redandblueguy213]
finallyopen Offline


Registered: 11/16/12
Posts: 69
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Sexuality is a very strange thing and can be one of the most confusing things for survivors.
I have had similar issues throughout my life and still fight with urges for a longtime.
Myself, I have just learned to accept them and carry on with life. You need to be you and just understand yourself.
You have to look at yourself and the fact that you are not the only straight guy that has these thoughts. Especially with being a survivior of CSA in your background.
So DON'T put yourself down .. there are many others out here that have the same feelings.
Just as a help, here is a link to a sight that I found in the beginning of my journey ... that helped me a bit to understand my urges.
http://www.amsosa.com/unsure.htm
Take care man
_________________________
My Story : http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...4645#Post434645

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#426695 - 02/27/13 04:50 PM Re: Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers) [Re: redandblueguy213]
redandblueguy213 Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 6
Thank you for your feedback, guys.

I'll look into a therapist and see who I can find. I did meet with one briefly but at that time so much stuff was going on that this wasn't even on my mind at the time, but like rain it has a curious time of when to show up and not let up.

Thank you for the link finallyopen, I checked it out and helped me a bit.

I just feel like there's always a huge sign on me, a scarlet letter, that is painfully obvious to me and everyone else that there's something not quite right. I'm fine when it's not there but then I'll see something on tv or read something and it makes me compare myself to the guys there and I feel different and bad and not at all how they do and how I want to be.

Thanks again guys.

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#428275 - 03/17/13 12:03 AM Re: Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers) [Re: redandblueguy213]
seanm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 17
Loc: Florida
Hey, redandblue. I just came across this post and while I can't give you any help I want to let you know I could have written most of that post myself. It wasn't until I found this site that I realized that this confusion, the conflicting sexual reactions and all of the fantasies/acting out, all of this stuff, is practically normal for survivors! So many men I've met here have struggled with the same kinds of issues. I've been happily married, and live a 'normal' life with even a fairly normal sex life with my wife, but still find that I act out on weird or twisted urges with men and gravitate more to gay porn than straight. I've finally gotten healthy enough to realize it's not sexual or even healthy for me personally, but I still owe it to myself to understand it a little better and really find a way to accept whatever it means. While there's comfort in knowing I'm not alone, I know I have more work to do too,to really come to a place of acceptance or resolution with all of it. I don't talk to anybody-family, wife, friends-other than a few survivors I met at the weekend of recovery, about this stuff. Just the secrecy and shame of it is enough to really interfere with my well-being. It's tough, but you're definitely not alone!

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#428410 - 03/19/13 12:38 AM Re: Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers) [Re: redandblueguy213]
redandblueguy213 Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 6
Thanks, seanm.

What do you mean when you said "I've finally gotten healthy enough to realize it's not sexual or even healthy for me personally"?

I just want it to go away and be replaced with normal urges for a straight guy, ideally I would love to have that instead.

The shame kills me... shame that I acted out, shame that I can't get a boner to straight porn, it's just a lot of shame sadly.

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#428564 - 03/21/13 12:32 AM Re: Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers) [Re: redandblueguy213]
seanm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 17
Loc: Florida
I think what i'm getting at is that for so long I assumed that i had to be gay because I had these reactions, that the things I did and the way I acted out meant that I wanted to have sex with guys. It was too simple to look at it that way. I just couldn't imagine that if I act out sexually, it might not be because it's what my mind and body and heart really want. It might be because when I was a kid, all the wires got crossed because of what happened to me. Of course it doesn't make sense or even really reflect who I am. I'm still living with a kid's reaction to a fucked up situation. I don't know who I really am, but I know that I'm not defined by the acting out or the urges. At least, on my 'good' days, I can remember this. Other times, it's hard. I'm making progress, but have plenty of work still to do.

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#428761 - 03/22/13 10:13 PM Re: Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers) [Re: redandblueguy213]
redandblueguy213 Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 6
Yeah, I agree, bud. Same here, it's too easy and it's like okay it's plan B because things aren't going for me like they do in movies and books.

I've also noticed I default to those urges when I feel lonely.

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#430376 - 04/06/13 09:18 PM Re: Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers) [Re: redandblueguy213]
ER3277 Offline


Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 4
Hi readandblue,

I'm dealing with that issue too, there are some thoughts that make me believe that I'm gay even when I dont like the idea, I'm not interesting in that, I'm bad at sports too, I dont feel confortable with perv. talk and so on...

I'm a Mechanical engineer so I spend many hours with guys at the plant and sometimes I feel weird and different too when they speak, but there is sometime that works for me... I say to myself that maybe there are moments when I dont know who I am but I do know who I want to be, that everything is gonna be ok and I just have to know how to work for it..

So try to stay quiet, look for therapy to face those feelings, calm the anxiety and like other survivor told me in this forum... go one step at a time... best wishes.

PD: I'm not an english speaker

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#432848 - 04/29/13 11:32 AM Re: Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers) [Re: ER3277]
mike765 Offline


Registered: 03/12/13
Posts: 3
Loc: California
Hi ER3277,

I feel the same way as you do. Thank you for your opinion and your insights.. this is just what I needed to know right now.

That's why I also wonder why do I get intimidated most of the time by my Male counterpart. I don't feel comfortable around them too much. I want to believe that I am straight, but sometimes I wonder why I don't have much too many male friends...

Mike

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#436091 - 05/28/13 03:19 PM Re: Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers) [Re: redandblueguy213]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 217
Loc: Western Europe
Very recognizable all here in the topic..

It feels good to know that the confusion is not something i only deal with, but that there are many men struggling with the same questions..

To me what makes it difficult to accept that i could be straight, is that when i wasnt abused yet, a friend of mine from that time and me used to jerk eachother off. So it adds with my confusion. Might be that young teenagers try it, but in my case it just makes me extra confused..

thanks for sharing your story, good to know we're not alone!
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#436169 - 05/29/13 08:41 AM Re: Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers) [Re: redandblueguy213]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Yeah, what you said is fairly common in young teenagers. I personally have had a hard time lately, because now I wonder if I was "abused" by my cousin (he is three yrs older) or if we were just experimenting like little kids sometimes do. It was my reaction when I gained full realization of what was going on that really got to me.

Yesterday, I sat down and wrote 5 pages about what happened to me and how it affected my sexual development. When I look at everything I wrote, it kills me. I remember being ten years old I got an erection because a bunch of guys I was in a cabin with at overnight camp said "Hey, we should all see who has the biggest one". I was mortified, but thank god nobody knew what was happening. Still, I was ashamed.

Those types of experiences were common when I was there most summers until I was 14, just a lot of people "showing off the goods" so to speak. As we all got older, other people had erections too, but I still feel ashamed about it. They were sexually powerful events in my life. Still, even though I considered asking, I never acted out sexually with any of them. I am aware that a lot of that falls under the "young teenagers/preteenagers exploring new things" banner, but I question whether I would have done those things if I hadn't had the experiences with my cousin when I was younger.

Outside of that, around 4th grade my cousin stopped messing around with me because I told my parents, but we had already done a bunch of things by then. Fondling, he had tried fellatio on me even though I didn't get hard, so then I tried it on him (at his request) and not much happened; we both tried anal sex but I wouldn't let him get it in, and then when I tried I wasn't hard, and lastly he made me watch him masturbate, which was probably the most vivid memory I have from that entire time.

That left me with an obsession over male anatomy and sex in general. When I first figured out how to masturbate, I would do my best to mimic him right down to the exact place he was standing in in my room. When I started have sexual fantasies, they were usually about guys I went to school with, and especially the guys that bullied me having sex with each other. They used to call me things like "faggot, homo" etc., even though I knew none of them knew about the abuse. But it still made me feel like I had this terrible secret and that maybe they were right, so I would imagine them being gay with each other almost as a ways to control the situation in my head and to turn the tables on them, even though they of course never knew. I would also fantasize about boys two or three years younger than me, but that was linked to the loss of innocence I felt and the desire in my mind to remain a child where all this didn't matter as much. In my mind, I don't know if I thought that somehow I could regain it by imagining taking theirs, or if it was a "misery loves company" type thing, but there it was.

I didn't even start noticing girls until I was 14 or 15, but by then my attitude was "no, they'll never go for that and you'll just get laughed at for trying, so don't bother". To this day I still can't approach women because I feel like there's something wrong with me, and even if I did get close to somebody once they found about all this they either wouldn't understand or they'd just leave.

Then we got high speed internet and I started watching porn most of the time when I wanted to get off. It was always normal types of intercourse, but always penetration focused. A couple of times I watched gay porn and felt awful about it, wondering what it meant about my sexuality.

After I did EMDR, urges to check out gay porn disappeared, and my sexual fantasies usually only involve women. Also, now instead of fantasizing about other people with myself as a passive watcher somewhere, I imagine myself actually there with the other person.

Emotionally though, I can't connect to people. I've used porn for so long I wonder if I just got used to masturbating to the same thing. I find women attractive, but aside from a couple occasions I don't allow myself to get any deeper than a sexual relationship. If I do get closer, I usually put up walls and distance myself. I don't really find men sexually attractive at all and I don't feel romantic towards them either, but now I wonder if all the "gay" stuff I did when I was younger was really just from the abuse or if it was natural for me.

I guess in a nutshell, I've never had a "normal" sexuality. My experiences have left me in a very ambiguous place. I feel like I am probably straight, physically I enjoy women, but I can't make deeper connections with them, and that makes we wonder how much I really like them.

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#436175 - 05/29/13 08:58 AM Re: Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers) [Re: redandblueguy213]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 217
Loc: Western Europe
Thank you for sharing Andy! Clarifies a lot for my situation too!

I have the same with women, though i don't have any sexual relationships. Can't connect deeply enough beyond friendship, afraid of being judged.. there have been 2 girls in my life of which i am pretty sure they liked me too at a certain point in time. But i was always too afraid to try, always passive and never taking the initiative.

I love to work on that, but still there remains the confusion about being straight or perhaps bi/gay.. i want to accept whatever the answer is, but at the same time im so afraid..
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#439961 - 07/03/13 08:00 PM Re: Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers) [Re: redandblueguy213]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Yeah, I don't know. I get jealous over girls I meet when I see them talking with other guys, like "stop talking to that guy and come hang out with me". The first time I kissed a girl was electric, in a "wow, I want to do this more" kind of way. First time I had sex, my girlfriend was on top before we even got started, but I was so excited I was shaking. I enjoy going down on women, although when women go down on me, even though it feels good I don't usually get off.

Then I'll worry at times about wanting to be with men, but I don't have and never have had any romantic feelings there. I do miss really good friends of mine, but I feel like that happens to everybody. If I really start fixating on that question of my orientation, I usually give myself permission to just relax and imagine myself in a situation, and if I happen to get turned on, then go with it. It never happens. If I start fantasizing about women though, I get turned on pretty quick. It's like the answer is more or less there, but I am so doubtful because of how screwed up everything was in the past that I just can't trust myself and leave it be, I have to keep poking at it.

Another interesting sign is that I recently started taking Zoloft for anxiety. That particular worry used to send me into a fit for days or sometimes weeks. Now it just kind of floats out of my head and I don't really think about it much. Still, I wish I knew why all the anxiety surrounds it - I feel like if I could just figure out what perpetuates all this misery and anxiety, then I could "fix" it, and live normally without being a stress case and self isolating. Who knows...

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#440500 - 07/09/13 06:38 PM Re: Failing At Being Straight? (Possible Triggers) [Re: redandblueguy213]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:27 PM)

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