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#425732 - 02/18/13 05:53 PM Cycles of bad habit and confusion
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 250
Loc: Germany
Howcome when I masturbate I become so triggered and almost tured on again about my abuse? I feel so much anger and rage when I jerk off, but take it out on myself and my body. I am not even erotically attracted to it, but rather following an automated pattern and replacing it with guilt, rage, and hate. I am so angry that the child porn that was made of me continues happens to so many others, along with other forms of sexual abuse, and there is so much easily accessible porn with those themes of abuse and the trauma and humiliation that we went through. It is not fair. My chest hurts and my eyes are filling with tears
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,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#425793 - 02/19/13 03:34 AM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3607
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on Jay,
it is difficult many times as we are re-traumatized by many usual things beside porn and stuff that is related to abuse frown

Pero
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#425820 - 02/19/13 08:58 AM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5779
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Check out the article "Breaking the Cycle of Self-Defeating Behaviors".

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#425867 - 02/19/13 05:37 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
Micksup Offline


Registered: 01/12/13
Posts: 5
<>

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#425872 - 02/19/13 05:59 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3607
Loc: South-East Europe
Here is the link to Ken's article:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer2.html

Pero
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#425874 - 02/19/13 06:11 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
Micksup Offline


Registered: 01/12/13
Posts: 5
<>

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#426139 - 02/22/13 12:41 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:09 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#426488 - 02/25/13 09:00 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 250
Loc: Germany
Thank you very much Bodyguard, that was very helpful. How do you cut down on the feeling of shame or the being attracted to such fantasies which are a repeat of your CSA? I often find I start off with a normal healthy fantasies, and it is either easily hijacked or replaced with me being abused, and as I climax, I think of the healthy fantasy and how much it would have meant to me to never have been abused- but it vanishes, and is replaced by my anger, guilt, fear, shame, confusion...

I was abused for 6 or so years by 100s of men online, and then raped by several in person, and as I am only 21, everything is still so fresh. One of my abusers I still see on the street or on campus
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#427726 - 03/11/13 06:10 AM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 250
Loc: Germany
Hey Everyone, here is a recent update.

I have been recieving a few more flashbacks and what I can coin as "re-livings" of my abuse but through normal porn searches, or themes similar to it such as dom-sub porn. I am not even attracted to it, but force myself to google, and I am not even arosed, but my hand is feverishly forcing myself to erection and climax- which is so physicaly painful and exactly what happened as men made child porn of me and as the three times I was raped ... :'( I am hurting so much, but cannot articulate it to those around me, and my mind cannot even make sense of it. Often it just blanks out.

I dont know if it is a good thing or not, but last night before I fell alseep my usual google search during these sessions "gay male story archive" turned up with a creepyeffects.org notice on the bottom saying that some sites previously on this search were illegal and therefore removed. I felt really happy to know that some of this filth has been removed from easily accessible resources, but sad because I know a lot of it is still up there, and in the case of that which triggers me- it is intermixed with normal porn. I also felt so much guilt: guilt for feeling like my abusers, guilt feeling like I should be treated like them, and most of all, guilt for continuing to harm myself. I also felt saddness and loss, realising again how my CSA is affecting me, and how there is no way to get justice.


Edited by JayBro (03/13/13 10:50 AM)
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#427751 - 03/11/13 01:53 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 250
Loc: Germany
I am so shakey and cold right now. I feel so scared and insecure inside. I really want to see a friend right now. frown
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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