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#425869 - 02/19/13 05:50 PM ******TRIGGER ALERT*******The tricky balance
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
******TRIGGER ALERT*******
I just want to put something out there to be discussed.
How do we find the balance between spouses and partners and the men raped as children.

Iíve read on the boards that you canít rush the survivor. He has to seek healing on his own terms and on his own timeline. I fully respect that. But I also submit to you that wives/partners have a right to seek a healthy environment for ourselves too, on our timeline, and it may be shorter than the one the survivor is on. I donít know where the sweet spot is for the survivor not ready to confront his past and the spouse stuck in a hellish present--hence my post.

The task is extraordinarily difficult for those of us who want very much to be supportive and to help them heal. No one is perfect in this scenario and those imperfections are what complicate the matter.

So, in my case, we are approaching the 2 year mark since I found out about the infidelity that made me issue the demand that he go to therapy if we are going to stay a family. Heís half-assed therapy (by his own admission) by going sporadically if at all. Heís not done any of the hard work towards healing. He goes if I say something, then he slowly trickles off to nothing until I say something again.

Iím done.

Iíve got to move on. I think he views my leaving as punishment for not doing what I want and it honestly isnít that at all even though I fully recognize for him, that IS what it is. I just canít live like this and not be striving to make it better. His financial misdeeds threaten the family and he keeps doing it!!! The lies hamper intimacy and destabilize our tenuous connection. He tells me I see it, I see your point, you are right, AND HE KEEPS DOING IT! Iíd stay for as long as he needs me to if he were working on it. He could mess up a million times and Iíd say ďthatís alright, sweetieĒ if he were working on it.

Iíve been on these boards and read a ton of books and articles, I know there is no quick fix so Iíd be in it for the long haul. I understand a need to take a break after youíve worked hard, but heís been on one long breakóno work!!!

How long can you hang around watching your world crumble around you while you frantically scramble to protect your loved ones, while your significant other sits back and watches the destruction he wrought, pummel you? I submit to you, for a remotely emotionally healthy partner, probably not long.
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#425878 - 02/19/13 06:45 PM Re: ******TRIGGER ALERT*******The tricky balance [Re: GoodHope]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Why is it assumed that everyone will get better? Just because we care about them? (not about you GoodHope, just for discussion)

I have a hard time believing anyone is going to get better unless they seriously want to get better. And you don't seriously want to get better until things get so bad that you decide you really have no other choice.

Just my opinion.

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#425882 - 02/19/13 08:28 PM Re: ******TRIGGER ALERT*******The tricky balance [Re: GoodHope]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
I think you are correct. I think it just never occurs to a supporter that someone wouldn't want to get better. We have to be convinced with overwhelming evidence and convincing us is hard! We think that the freedom from the distorted thinking and shame cycle from acting out is inducement enough. And for some it is. And for others it's something else that encourages them and for others, the comfort that comes from living what you've always known, the fear or the shame too great to face the demons, they just stay the same.
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#425889 - 02/19/13 08:50 PM Re: ******TRIGGER ALERT*******The tricky balance [Re: GoodHope]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Northernflicker and I (and anyone else that stops by) chat in the F&F section on Thurdays after 8 pm CDT. I told her something like the following.

"It's good enough". Even when it could be better you can accept where you are because it's good enough. So why go through the pain for something that you don't know is going to be any better. Why would you think it would be better anyway?

If things did not go badly for two years ago I wouldn't be here now. While my life wasn't great I figured I only had maybe 20 more years to get through. Hell that will go by pretty quick. Then it would be over, or to old to care. I don't expect to live long past 70, if I make it there. (52 now)

Now that I think of it I probably told her in a PM.

But remember that this is only my perspective based on my experience. While it could be true for some it may not be what holds others back.

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#425890 - 02/19/13 08:54 PM Re: ******TRIGGER ALERT*******The tricky balance [Re: GoodHope]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3302
Loc: back in the USA
Originally Posted By: GoodHope
I think you are correct. ...
We think that the freedom from the distorted thinking and shame cycle from acting out is inducement enough. And for some it is. And for others it's something else that encourages them and for others, the comfort that comes from living what you've always known, the fear or the shame too great to face the demons, they just stay the same.


i believe this is true. getting "better" is a lot of hard work - and takes sustained effort, concentration, goal-setting, follow-through, long-term commitment, sheer dogged determination, willingness to own the pain, and facing up to a lot of ugly truths - often about outselves, as well as about the perps and the cirumstances and events of the abuse. AND it also takes hope.

some guys have given up. some have had every bit of hope beaten out of them or stolen. some are just too tired of the struggle to endure to give another ounce of energy to change. some are afraid of what might come out during therapy. some just don't know how to start or where to turn. some need patience and gentleness and some need a hard kick in the butt. i see guys on the survivors forums who are just treading water - putting out a lot of effort but not making much progress. i see others who are stuck in the mud - paralyzed and can't even seem to take another step. there are some who take it one step at a time - like the tortoise in the race - and will eventually win. and then there are those who rise from the ashes and fly away.

not sure what the answers are - but "better" is a relative term. even if i can't expect full recovery - i know that i don't have to stay the same as i was - or as i am now.

still plodding - and hoping to soar,
Lee
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We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#426028 - 02/21/13 11:34 AM Re: ******TRIGGER ALERT*******The tricky balance [Re: GoodHope]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Hope,

When I read this and I quote you...

We think that the freedom from the distorted thinking and shame cycle from acting out is inducement enough. And for some it is. And for others it's something else that encourages them and for others, the comfort that comes from living what you've always known, the fear or the shame too great to face the demons, they just stay the same.

I can't help but think that this is what keeps many of us wives stuck with them. Change "acting out" to living a f&^ked up life with an addict and you will see what I mean. For me it is easier in some ways to live with this bullshit then face my demons and get out.

Just some food for thought.........

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#426047 - 02/21/13 02:33 PM Re: ******TRIGGER ALERT*******The tricky balance [Re: GoodHope]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6359
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: GoodHope
Heís half-assed therapy (by his own admission) by going sporadically if at all. Heís not done any of the hard work towards healing.


If you are looking for absolution, the above statement does it IMO, without qualifiers etc. Done deal!
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#426309 - 02/24/13 12:45 PM Re: ******TRIGGER ALERT*******The tricky balance [Re: GoodHope]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
WOW,so much to think about. Just my thoughts/experiences:
1) Because of T & my own 12 Step Program, I learned to take care of myself 1st; I refuse to lose myself or sanity.
2) Prof T is a must for both of us. We were not born w/any knowledge of how to handle all of this crap.
3) Lots of patience, talking & KNOWING it is different for the men, much harder for them to deal with. The after effects are a list too long to list.
4) For both, Having a DESIRE to get better: The hard work, being frank & honesty, the willingness to change, asking for help, facing the harsh truths from the T...
5)& best of all, the knowledge that it can get much better, if we all do the work.
Anything worth it, takes time........
Good Luck my sister in recovery.....
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Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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