Newest Members
lilac, The Wife Of, smusab, whiteflag, North101
12287 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
adam319 (46), Bellemaman (36), Bob G. (58), S D Witwicky (38)
Who's Online
7 registered (86, Obi, 5 invisible), 25 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12287 Members
73 Forums
63226 Topics
442129 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#425875 - 02/19/13 06:13 PM wish I were someone else today...just for a...
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Every free moment of the mind, it fills with a bunch of what-ifs. I work really hard to not play this mind game on myself but today I am so engaged and on the losing team. What-if my wife had not died, then she would have been with me at the hospital. What-if one of my sons had been with me, or what-if I had just been with a safe stranger. And what-if I had not been objectified on that day. What-if I could have just yelled out no.

I wonder what today would have been like if I had not had my dignity taken from me. I get so **** tired of pretending its okay because it isn't. I want to just be me. Not the me before the assault and then the me after the assault. I want to connect the two together and just be me. One whole me. And this feeling of always needing to brush my teeth and waking up with clenched, sore jaws. WTF!! And being afraid to fall asleep with someone else or getting up forty times at night to check the locks. It makes for a lonely, friggin' life.

What-if I didn't need to cry by myself, but someone could hear and say its all cool and its all okay. Now thats just a pity party and I know it, but just what-if. What-if I didn't have this terrible horrible secret? Huh? I wish it didn't hurt so badly. I wish I didn't feel the need for a shot of wild turkey right now. I wish someone could say, bill pull your stuff together- its too be alright. I just wish I were someone else today...just for a little while.

I read the 100+ I hate list this afternoon... and the poem about laying in the grass and dreaming... and the wisdom of Traveler... and all I can't even find words to express the things I want to say to the other members.
what do you do? Just what the f*** do you do?

I have had severe memory troubles the last few years. The T thinks it may be because of the ASA. I can't recall the exact date or my exact age at the time. All I need to do is call the dr and ask, but I can't bring myself to do even that. Its like I feel that will be the determining factor in the old me and the now me. I will have date on which the assault happened and I'm afraid that will make it all new again. crazy... so what-if I knew the date? what if I can say, on this date I was assaulted. On this date, a rape took away all that I had become and gave me all that I now am. So, what if I did that. So simple and so dang scary.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



Top
#425917 - 02/20/13 06:48 AM Re: wish I were someone else today...just for a... [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
oh, yeah - i have wished for most of my life that i was someone else. and the what-ifs never end - if you let them get started. we can be tremendously creative in the ways we find to prolong the pain.

but i'm not saying not to go there - sometimes you just have to let it all out and get it over. i think it is easier to let it go if i have put it into words on paper or online. it does seem to help in the long run.

i would bet that all the thoughts that you have described are ones that most of us have had. and i am sure that for every person who replies, there are many who are saying to themselves - yup - that's me, too.

the date - well, it is up to you - you have that choice - the power to find out - or to leave it alone. i don't know the dates of any of my events. it has never occurred to me to even wonder about the exact spot on the calendar. but i bet if i did know it would be much harder - cuz every year on that date i'd remember it like some dark anniversary - like i do with my birthdays - no fun at all.

OK - you wished for it - so here it is:
Bill, pull your stuff together. it will be OK. you can get through this. it can get better. and there is help and understanding and support for you. keep working at it. you are worth it.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#426011 - 02/21/13 08:38 AM Re: wish I were someone else today...just for a... [Re: ThisMan]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: ThisMan
On this date, a rape took away all that I had become and gave me all that I now am. So, what if I did that. So simple and so dang scary.


Scary, like there's no tomorrow!!!! But aren't you glad you have us to tell it all to? We are glad you trust us with this.


Edited by Still (02/21/13 08:42 AM)
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

Top
#426044 - 02/21/13 02:04 PM Re: wish I were someone else today...just for a... [Re: ThisMan]
Zug Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
""


Edited by Zug (02/23/13 09:28 AM)
_________________________
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski


Top
#426146 - 02/22/13 02:35 PM Re: wish I were someone else today...just for a... [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Guys, I am very happy I have you guys to say all this stuff to. The first month of being here was really difficult. Really difficult. But today is a better day. Why? Because a group of men heard me and said I wasn't alone. That things would get better- and they are. Slowly, but they are better. And I am making changes in my thinking... now that's an undertaking...

And I'll take your advice, Lee. Its time to pull it together. Nor at this time will I seek out a date which has the potential to separate my life into phases AGAIN! At least not yet. I don't think I no longer desire to know, and I want no anniversary. Nope. Not today.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



Top
#432178 - 04/23/13 03:35 PM " [Re: ThisMan]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/27/13 08:24 PM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.