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#4260 - 09/06/02 03:23 PM Re: Am I Insane?
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
Will,
You may be right in thinking that you did not identify him correctly because you idolized him.

I knew for decades what my first perp did to me, but I never thought of it as bad or damaging during all that time because of the good feelings, the love, that I also remembered.

On the other hand, after being violently raped at age 12, I couldn't even think about that fact. The very day after it happened, I had no words for it. Without the words, it had no reality.

It wasn't until 5 years ago when my life fell apart, that I was able to say it and fully ( damn TOO fully) remember what happened.

Your mind, your brain, will do what it must to protect you. Fear and pain will alter and disguise, even obliterate memories.

Here is something that may help. It is taken from a site I have found helpful:

http://www.kalimunro.com/article_survivor_memories.html
Quote:
While all memory, especially declarative memory -- the story or details of the event -- is reconstructive (recreated over time) this does not diminish the truthfullness of the memory itself. Sometimes because recovered memories can be hazy, it can be hard to be sure of all the details. Sometimes, because of how memories are categorized by our minds, it is possible to remember two different incidents as having occurred at the same time. Again, just because this happens doesn't mean that what happened isn't true, only that the events may not have happened in that exact way.

A good analogy is people are in a bank when a bank robbery occurs. They are frightened by the robbers and their guns, and are afraid for their safety. After a robbery, it is not uncommon for witnesses to contradict each other about the colour of the robbers' clothing, even what race they were, and the total numbers of robbers present. But, no one is uncertain about the fact that there was a robbery and that they were scared for their lives.

While no survivor can be certain that every single detail of their memories of sexual abuse are precisely accurate, it is possible to be confident that the crime of sexual abuse occurred, to know who did it and to know approximately what age you were.

Your sanity is not in question. I believe it is a sign of strength and growth that you now remember.

Donald

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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#4261 - 09/06/02 07:18 PM Re: Am I Insane?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
WillP
I was abused by a gang of older boys, about 7 or 8 in the gang led by 2 ringleaders, for a period of 4 years. I now believe that when this was discovered at the school gossip in the staff room led a teacher to take control of the group. I know he was having sex with the ringleaders and occasionally with me, in their presence.
The only names I can remember are the ringleaders, even though I remember all their faces, especially the teacher.
I have a school photograph and can pick each of them out, but the names are gone, and I don't know if I want them back.

I occasionally get sudden memories of events and they fuck my mind big time, I feel for you regaining this persons name and identity.

But now at least you know who and what you're dealing with, but does that make it easier ?

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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