Well it has taken me 20 years to finialy confront this and realize I need to heal to be able to become the person I want to and deserve to be.

So this is my story. My name is Corey and I was abused and raped when I was ten at the hands of my cousin who was thirteen at the time that it started. The way it began was my cousin telling me about what an erection was which lead to him getting hard and masturbating in front of me and telling how great it felt. He then proceeded to tell me to play with my penis so I could get hard. He told me I was doing it wrong and grabbed me and started to stroke me. After a few moments I bacame hard. At the time I thought it was amazing how good it felt and I begain stroking myself my cousin ejaculated shortly after and after he did I stopped touching my self. At the time my cousins him and his sister were staying at my parents house because their parents were on a cruise for a week. So the next day after school he initiated masturbation with me again he wanted to see me cum but just like the day before I did not. This went on for the remainder of the week until I finally ejaculated and he said he was proud of me and it was something that was special between the two of us and it must remain our seceret if it was to remain special.

For the next couple of months I would go over to his house and stay the weekends or he would come over to my house and we would masturbate together he got his hands on a penthouse magazine and that became his bible in a since. He became more and more obsessed with sex constantly talking about it and saying how much he wanted a blowjob and that was all he wanted he talked about that for a few weeks on the bus and at school. The one weekend I was at his house out of nowhere he pulled down my pants and started to give me blowjob he did this for a few minutes then came up and said that it was my turn I had to blow him because he sucked me. I said that that I didn't want to that I didn't want to gay he got very angry at me he called me names and said I wasn't being far then he grabbed my head and pulled it down to his crouch and said suck it you little wimp you little bitch. So out of fear I opened my mouth Anne started to suck on him. He seemed to find great joy in making me suck his dick. After a few minutes I tried to pull away but he kept my head down with his hands and said not until I'm done then he ejaculated in my mouth. Afterwards he said he would jerk me off if I wanted. For half a year he would do this to me during this time period he would put me down and make me feel worthless and dumb. By end of that year I was in the forth grade he started saying that he wondered what it would feel like to have anal sex with me he kept telling me it must feel good because gay people liked it. I didn't want to do it but he kept insisting on it and one day he put soap all over his dick and told Mr to get on my knees and bend over so I did afraid of what he would do if I didn't. He started to put himself inside me and it burned and told him to stop because it burnt so he did. Later that weekend we took showers together this time he put lotion on himself and told me to bend over again this time he grabbed my mouth and said no whineing this time and he violently thrusted himself into me it hurt so bad but it made me hard and he fucked in the shower until I came and then he pulled out and finished himself off. Luckily that was the only time that happened but he told me see you liked it because I came then he called me a fag.

By the time I was 11 I was so fucked up mentally and emotionally I wanted to kill myself but didn't know how and was to scared. The abuse contiued for a few more years after that but it was not as extreme. He did make me feel like I wasn't a strong person because he had a bigger penis than me and he was able to over power me if he wanted.

That was what was done to me physicaly as a result of the abuse like I said I felt like I wanted to commit suicide. I was a good student before this happened afterwards I could no longer pay attention in school I would just space out in class I became very introverted and angry towards people that never did anything to me. I started to steal things from the school and stole baseball cards for the store. I could no longer talk to my parents with out feeling alienated. I begain to draw very violet images in school. Im a talented artist so the pictures were pretty shocking for a 11 year old. As the years went by I begain to withdraw more and more I started to hang out with the "bad kids" I begain to get into trouble in school with my teachers. As I got older and hit pubity I begain to do things like dress in lingerie when I masturbated not knowing at the time that I was trying to recreate the abuse that evolved into me tiring myself to the bed or wareing a leash or choking myself it got to the point to were I couldn't get off unless I hurt myself in some way. All of my relationships I had I was never able to truely connect or be intimate with the girl I was with I have had many failed relationship because I couldn't truely communicate with them.
I have used drugs and alcohol to was away the pain that I felt but never understanding were it all came because I suppressed what happened to me I developed a Stockholm syndrome towards me cousin I felt shame and guilt and I hated myself but never him. I still have to see him for family holidays. And everyone in the family loves him because he is successful and has a PhD and works in new york. I on the other hand have dropped out of college and have bounced from job to job over the years.
He stole my youth and took a part of my soul and lives a life of privilege while my life has been one fucked up situation to the next.

I'm sure I didn't say everything I wanted but at least I got most of it out. I'm so thankful for anyone that has taken the time to read my story. Now that I have poured most of it out maybe more will come to me and I can start to understand who I am so I figure out how to get to where I want to be. Thank you all for the support.
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What a long strange trip this has been