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#425658 - 02/18/13 04:00 AM betrayed
TW16 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 06/11/09
Posts: 173
Loc: Utah
I asked my mom about my abuse as a child, and she told me that I have never been abused. I asked if that is true, then why did she tell a judge in court when I was fifteen that I had been molested four times as a child and severely physically abused two times. My mom says she doesn't remember that, but I remember it very well because I was forces to tell the judge about me being sexually abused earlier that year--and that was very humiliating as NOBODY was previously told about it. I was forced to perform a sex act on a dog. I am very ashamed and embarrassed for doing that. After I told the judge this, he asked if I had been abused any other time and without hesitation, I answered "no". That was when my mom said I had been abused, and because I apparently blocked it out, I looked like an idiot in front of the judge as I could not confirm or deny it happening. I am very confused now. Was I really abused?

TW16

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#425669 - 02/18/13 07:28 AM Re: betrayed [Re: TW16]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 921
Loc: New York
You've said several times that you directly remember multiple cases of abuse, the "problematic" one being a case where at age 2 a teenaged babysitter confessed to your mom that he'd abused you - and that your dad disagrees with this age, saying you were closer to 6. Is this the incident you're referring to?

Both parents seem to validate it and your mom testified to it in court; I'd suspect it happened but your mom has worked really hard to forget it and semi-consciously blocked it out (surprisingly common with people) or she has made a conscious decision to disbelieve it, based on how her husband thought it happened a different year, neither of them saw it, and you dont remember it. If no one saw the vase break and the glue marks are invisible, why not act like it never broke?

You've also described your community as very homophobic IIRC, which could "help" them in favoring or disfavoring certain memories.

Personally I think your parents made a huge mistake by ever telling you in the first place. 2 is too young to keep memories, most of the time, so unless there was physical damage or obvious emotional shock, they should have just watched you grow up and left it alone. My nephew broke his leg at that age so badly he had to be in a half-body cast to immobilize him so it would heal right. He DID remember that... the day after, the weeks after, a few months after. Then more months later, a few guarded, leading questions suggested that this still-2-year-old boy had forgotten, so everyone stopped talking about it for his sake. 4 years later I casually brought up a piece of the story to test him and he had no idea what I was talking about. Sometimes the very young really can purely pristinely forget and keep forgotten, and their caregivers should keep that privilege sustained. When parents talk about scary things that already happened to you, it gives kids phobias and complexes; I know a girl who is deathly afraid of dogs because her clueless parents never stopped telling her stories of how she got bit by one when she was EIGHT MONTHS OLD. If they'd kept their mouths shut nothing bad would have happened to her psychologically.

Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#425670 - 02/18/13 07:40 AM Re: betrayed [Re: TW16]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 181
Loc: USA
Hay TW, I am so sad to hear of this betrayal. Both back in court and now again with your mom saying she can't remember that happening. Maybe in time she may rember saying this in court. So much confution and pain. So many questions. I pray you find some answers soon. I am sorry you feel so betrayed by you mom. I know first hand how bad that feels.

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#425700 - 02/18/13 01:38 PM Re: betrayed [Re: TW16]
TW16 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 06/11/09
Posts: 173
Loc: Utah
Except a vague memory of something sexual happening with with me and another kid when I was about seven years old, I don't remember being abused when I was two and ten years old. Other family members told me about the incidents years later. However, I do recall talking to people about the last two incidentses--or at least referring to them--while I was young.

The incident with my dad when I was five or six was when I asked my dad what that was between my legs, and then started fondling it. My dad told me to not do that and asked me where I learned to do that. I do not recall how I responded to his question.

TW16

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#425916 - 02/20/13 04:30 AM Re: betrayed [Re: TW16]
TW16 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 06/11/09
Posts: 173
Loc: Utah
Do you think my mom may have said she doesn't remember anything about my abuse as a way to protect me from knowing what was done to me? I know it is a strange way, but could that be possible?

TW16

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#425918 - 02/20/13 07:32 AM Re: betrayed [Re: TW16]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Hey TW

Trust your gut and work with what you know to make progress in your recovery and in learning to take care of yourself.

I had to rely on my own feelings, memories and instincts. There are still pieces of the puzzle I don't have - but I have a life that is improving and moving away from the depression and anxiety and acting out I knew for years-

I don't need the validation or affirmation of others- even family members- to confirm my abuse or life story.

My mother knew things were going on- there was even a police report that was a big red flag for what had happened to my older brother. I believe it was too much for her to admit and work thru and she remained haunted by it until her passing.

My tough question to you is why would you rely on what your mother now says given the facts of what she admitted earlier in your life? I ask because it has been a helpful question for me to examine my relationship with my parents and how I would still seek their approval and answers despite evidence that they couldn't give healthy direction or guidance.

I wish my parents could have accepted the truth and dealt with it from the start- it would have been so much more healthy for the entire family rather than a life long repression of the truth of the abuse in our home.


Edited by Mountainous Buck (02/20/13 07:35 AM)
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#425926 - 02/20/13 08:39 AM Re: betrayed [Re: TW16]
Zug Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
MB. you just articulated what's been rolling around in my head without my ability to put it all together in terms of denial and protection, family dynamics, etc. I'm dealing with it now, big time.
_________________________
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski


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