Every free moment of the mind, it fills with a bunch of what-ifs. I work really hard to not play this mind game on myself but today I am so engaged and on the losing team. What-if my wife had not died, then she would have been with me at the hospital. What-if one of my sons had been with me, or what-if I had just been with a safe stranger. And what-if I had not been objectified on that day. What-if I could have just yelled out no.
I wonder what today would have been like if I had not had my dignity taken from me. I get so **** tired of pretending its okay because it isn't. I want to just be me. Not the me before the assault and then the me after the assault. I want to connect the two together and just be me. One whole me. And this feeling of always needing to brush my teeth and waking up with clenched, sore jaws. WTF!! And being afraid to fall asleep with someone else or getting up forty times at night to check the locks. It makes for a lonely, friggin' life.
What-if I didn't need to cry by myself, but someone could hear and say its all cool and its all okay. Now thats just a pity party and I know it, but just what-if. What-if I didn't have this terrible horrible secret? Huh? I wish it didn't hurt so badly. I wish I didn't feel the need for a shot of wild turkey right now. I wish someone could say, bill pull your stuff together- its too be alright. I just wish I were someone else today...just for a little while.
I read the 100+ I hate list this afternoon... and the poem about laying in the grass and dreaming... and the wisdom of Traveler... and all I can't even find words to express the things I want to say to the other members.
what do you do? Just what the f*** do you do?
I have had severe memory troubles the last few years. The T thinks it may be because of the ASA. I can't recall the exact date or my exact age at the time. All I need to do is call the dr and ask, but I can't bring myself to do even that. Its like I feel that will be the determining factor in the old me and the now me. I will have date on which the assault happened and I'm afraid that will make it all new again. crazy... so what-if I knew the date? what if I can say, on this date I was assaulted. On this date, a rape took away all that I had become and gave me all that I now am. So, what if I did that. So simple and so dang scary.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.