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#425421 - 02/15/13 07:47 PM Re: Should I tell my parents - 20+ years too late? [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Wearytraveler,

I did indeed.

Part 1:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...9192#Post419192

Part 2 (at the bottom):
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...4198#Post424198

Hope this is in some way helpful. It very significantly helped me. Overall since then, Dad has been this super-optimistic cheerleader and masculinity-reassurance-provider, while Mom has taken to getting angrily drunk and fixates regularly on the safety of my 9-year-old nephew. Her latest kick is that my sister must take down all of his pics from Facebook. I didn't have the heart to tell her that, statistically speaking, he is at more risk from his 14yo cousin than some Facebook stalker.

I think that counts within the margins of "good possible parental responses."

Your situation sounds terribly painful - reminders in your face, in your family, every day. Bottom line - if you want to tell your dad, do it. Parents exist to make their kids feel better, not the other way around. It all gets paid forward anyway.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#425693 - 02/18/13 11:37 AM Re: Should I tell my parents - 20+ years too late? [Re: SoccerStar]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 313
Loc: Iowa, USA
I'm in the same position. I'm debating whether or not to tell my parents. It's not about the support that I would get. I'm sure it would be there and my parents would be my fiercest advocates. They would do everything they could to help I'm afraid of the pain it would cause them. I still turn to my mom and dad for advice, and I'm 51. My abuse started 40 years ago and I've never told anyone outside the T's office, until I found this site. I know they would regret that they never had the opportunity to help me. I've been having some problems at work and my mom asked my why I don't stand up for myself. Those words just cut through, and in my head I was screaming " I can't because I don't know how to protect myself". I'm just a little kid again, helpless against that guy ( I won't say his name, here.)

If anyone has advice on whether I should tell, please let me know.

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#425698 - 02/18/13 12:53 PM Re: Should I tell my parents - 20+ years too late? [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Davo,

It would cause them pain. That can't be your first priority. If they're good parents, they'll feel like they failed you but then reorient those feelings towards wanting to help you now. The possibility of failing your children is a risk you take when you become a parent, everybody knows it when they feel that belly grow. They also have to deal with the risk that kids can be hit by cars or drown in swimming pools - it is their fear and responsibility, NOT YOURS. They can help you now - un-fail you now - by giving you the verbal and emotional recognition, validation, and support that you need. Just the fact that you want to do it at all is a pretty clear indicator.

If you do have supportive parents, getting the biggest oldest secret out feels really really good. You might not even be aware of the weight of it until its gone.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#425702 - 02/18/13 01:57 PM Re: Should I tell my parents - 20+ years too late? [Re: SoccerStar]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 313
Loc: Iowa, USA
I was abused at 11 by a well known person in my community and in my church. I knew even then that if I told, it would rock my town and my parents would suffer. It didn't matter if I was suffering, I wasn't going to hurt my parents. I buried it and just accepted that it was my lot in life to endure this. I was abused again at 19. I know this is above the age of consent, but again, it was my lot. I knew then that if I told, it would rock the lives of many, including my family. I learned to bury it, and just accept it as my lot. Now, I find myself wanting to protect my parents from the harm this knowledge would cause. It's an awful dichotomy. I want their love and support. I want my parents to make it all better like they did when I was a kid. Yet, I want to protect them from the pain. It's only through the help of a T, that I recognize this commonality in the way I act. Thanks for your insight on what to do. Davo.

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#425855 - 02/19/13 03:17 PM Re: Should I tell my parents - 20+ years too late? [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
In a way, by choosing my own pain in order to spare them theirs, i realized i was undermining their rights / responsibilities as parents. It's a parent's job to console and comfort their children when hurt and scared; who was I to have their son (me) suffer so they could think everything was hunky-dory?
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#425863 - 02/19/13 04:47 PM Re: Should I tell my parents - 20+ years too late? [Re: SoccerStar]
Zug Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
I would tell. Reality is a bitch and families deal with things together whether it's cancer, death, birth or this. Just my .02
_________________________
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski


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#425871 - 02/19/13 05:56 PM Re: Should I tell my parents - 20+ years too late? [Re: SoccerStar]
TornSoul Offline


Registered: 02/15/13
Posts: 4
Loc: Michigan
I wonder the samething at times. I was abused at the hands of my 13 year old cousin when I was 10. I wonder what it would do to my family as a whole if they knew if my mom would stop talking to my aunt and destroy there relationship together. I to don't want to cause them the pain of knowing I keep this to myself for 20 years. But in the same regard I want them to know so I can feel like I can freely communicate with them again.
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What a long strange trip this has been

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