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#425854 - 02/19/13 03:13 PM Bad T session
Tanis2105 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/10
Posts: 46
Loc: SW Florida
Sorry to rant but I have to get this out.Iím confused, angry or whatever the hell you call it. I want to drink until I pass out. My T today brought up things I have never spoken of and why the hell I said it today I donít know. I donít want to live it all again. I forgot it for a reason damn it what good is this going to bring, drinking again punching walls opening old wounds. Iím still shaking 2 hours later. Iím 48 not 11 so why the hell canít I just forget and move on. Life wasnít perfect before but I could function in my own world not hurting anyone sure I was alone but isnít that better than going through this nightmare again. Is this really helping me, I just wonder if Iíd be better off just stopping everything and just shut myself off again alone but safe and better still peace of mind.


Edited by Tanis2105 (02/19/13 03:14 PM)
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsnCq24hu9w

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#425868 - 02/19/13 05:38 PM Re: Bad T session [Re: Tanis2105]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I don't have an answer for you yet. I have the same concerns but you are ahead of me. I remember next to nothing but I don't believe what happened was that bad. The problem is not what happened but how you feel about it.

I'm 52 and all alone. I want to give not being alone a try. I hope this will help with that. Even though it scares me I still am going to do it.

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#425870 - 02/19/13 05:55 PM Re: Bad T session [Re: Candu]
Zug Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
I'm in roughly same boat, but with 5 years sobriety. I have tried being a recluse, it didn't work for me. This shit, as well alcohol, will kill me if I do not address it. I'm dealing with CSA and ASA. CSA memories are dim, but the associations I have with things and weird feelings attached to them are. Reading a lot here about other's stories have really helped me understand a great deal that confused me for a long time. I'm glad we all finally made it here, I'm 45 and have been fighting a personal war against this and these people my entire life. I'm ready to finish it up, I'm no coward and will not shrink from it, even if it kills me. I just got here yesterday and this site is more than I could ever have hoped for.
_________________________
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski


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#425921 - 02/20/13 08:01 AM Re: Bad T session [Re: Tanis2105]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Tanis2105
Is this really helping me, I just wonder if Iíd be better off just stopping everything and just shut myself off again alone but safe and better still peace of mind.


Hey Tanis,

I understand so well what you're saying here. Sometimes the medicine seems worse than the disease. I can only tell you that my experience is that the CSA never goes away. No matter how you stuff it down, it finds ways to haunt you and affect your life....sometimes without your even realizing it. For me the pain of going back through it has eased over time, and I'm starting to see the benefit on the other side. I hope you will too. Give yourself the chance to heal. We're always here for you.

Jude
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#425931 - 02/20/13 09:15 AM Re: Bad T session [Re: Tanis2105]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 84
Loc: west Chester, Pa
It can and at times is a hard road to travel, it takes willingness and time. I hated the journey, but in the end it has been worth it, at last I feel better about myself and what happened,I know that what happened will never change. I now understand what happened an how it changed my life, however I do not want or will let it to continue to be a factor in the future, that I can and will change, understand I did not do this alone, there was my "T" and understanding wife.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#425932 - 02/20/13 09:44 AM Re: Bad T session [Re: Tanis2105]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1433
Sorry to hear of your rough time. I too experienced the pain of opening the old memories--they ripped at my inner being. Like you why do they hurt so much after 40 plus years. I have learned I buried the memories, pretended they did not occur, tried to deny the feelings. We all cope differently, for me, I would dissociate and not have feelings or memories of time--my way to escape. This has proven problematic in life--in my younger days I seemed to have remained on task but as the memories took control the time and frequency increased. What ever your coping mechanism it was put in place to protect you from the past. I am learning to control my coping mechanism I have to face and accept all aspects of the abuse and the part of me that feels special toward my abuser. So it is a tough journey--we did not or were not able to process the pain and hurt as children, now as adults that child part of us is reliving the abuse and hopefully the pain subsides and we can accept ourselves for who we are and should be--not the battered boy.

Please stay strong, you are making progress and I can tell you, after many sessions with my T I felt worse leaving then when I arrived. It takes time--vent and share. Best wishes

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#425971 - 02/20/13 08:18 PM Re: Bad T session [Re: Tanis2105]
Tanis2105 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/10
Posts: 46
Loc: SW Florida
Thanks all for your thoughts. I was able to meet my T again later that day and she helped move me into a calmer state of mind. We decided to work at a slower pace with the help of my psychologist and T working closer together. All of you here are an important part in my life right now and it helps to be able to talk with those who do understand. Thanks again for all the of the comments and help. Peace my bothers
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsnCq24hu9w

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#425974 - 02/20/13 08:40 PM Re: Bad T session [Re: Tanis2105]
Marc1267 Offline


Registered: 01/27/13
Posts: 10
It seems alot of us CSA survivors suffer now from alcohol, etc. I am no different. I am 46 and have been an alcoholic for a long time. The pain seems to lessen because when your drunk you dont think straight. At least that is my case, same for drugs, when I fell into cocaine, crack, some oxy and a bit of heroin, I never or at least I dont remember thinking of my abuse although I know i did at times. It's so hard putting it behind and I am only on here now because I have been clean from drugs for several years, I still drink and really don't want to give it up..........but the pain of the abuse is stronger now that i am sober more. I have my first meeting with my T when she is back from maternity leave which should be in 2-3 weeks and I am scared shitless and will be even more as it gets closer. Hang in there Tanis, you certainly are not alone and peace to you as well my friend.

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#426394 - 02/25/13 08:23 AM Re: Bad T session [Re: Tanis2105]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 84
Loc: west Chester, Pa
I understand your feels, I have often wanted to put it back into the box and back on the shelf. However I just plain got tired of the effects,anger,acting out,etc. Working with my T and reading I now what happened, It was not my falt,just a animal who used me for his pleasure, It cost me three wifes, and more, I just did not want to live that way any more. Wanted to not be afraid to have friends and more. Now I know with much pain,work I am in a different place. Life is better. Will never change what happened but put it in a different place. It takes a willingness and work. A hard journey but worth it !
I wish you all the best, there is a better way to live life.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#426523 - 02/26/13 01:04 AM Re: Bad T session [Re: Tanis2105]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
Tanis there are days when I ask that same question. After all, before I began recovery I experienced little to no travel anxiety, moments of panic, or SSA. Of course, I had ongoing bouts of depression, poor relationship skills, and so on and so forth. I too sat in my therapist's office and asked her with a straight face, "Is there some way I can re-repress it?" : P It's more funny to me now but at the time I sincerely felt that way and worried about the possibility of recovery. Although the fear, anxiety, and depression have subsided somewhat I still struggle but genuinely feel I have made progress. Admittedly, I want recovery today, a magic pill perhaps? I often times fantasize about undoing my past abuse and get upset that I cannot change history. Such thoughts and so many more are apparently quite normal but imagine my surprise and relief upon hearing/reading it.

I take solace mostly in my faith that recovery is possible and that I am on the right path most of the time. I take comfort in knowing I am not alone in my struggle because I can sit here, read what you wrote, and tell you that are you not alone. Being relatively young and in the middle of my recovery rather than at the end I sometimes like to paraphrase one of Jefferson's letters in my head as a letter written to myself from some symbolic, veteran survivor and so I will share it with you:

"Tried myself in the school of human affliction, by the loss of every form of connection which can rive the human heart, I know well, and feel what you have lost, what you have suffered, are suffering, and have yet to endure. The same trials have taught me that for ills so immeasurable, time, sharing, and reflection are the only medi≠cine. I will not, therefore, in offering condolences, open afresh the sluices of your grief, nor, although mingling sincerely my tears with yours, will I say a word more where words are vain"
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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