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#425737 - 02/18/13 06:45 PM This can't be healthy
xxanxus Offline

Registered: 02/09/13
Posts: 23
Loc: Global
Lately I have been feeling alone, even though I have my partner, friends and co-workers. It's like whenever I around people, I feel even more alone, like they can see right through me and they see me what I a really am. A coward, who still believes a soft toy keeps his abusers way, a man too scared to open up and is riddled with shame, a bunch of mental instabilities and they don't want to be involved with such a person.

Edited by xxanxus (02/18/13 08:43 PM)

#425746 - 02/18/13 07:29 PM Re: This can't be healthy [Re: xxanxus]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
"Believes a soft keeps his abusers way"

This sounds important; could you clarify please? If you're talking about what I think you're talking about you are by no means alone...
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

#425766 - 02/18/13 10:55 PM Re: This can't be healthy [Re: xxanxus]
Jacob S Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 594
I read your post and a reply started coming out and it became a poem. I am posting it over in the poetry section because it is kind of long and I don't want to hijack your thread, but I hope you read it because your post is the reason I wrote it.
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

#425831 - 02/19/13 11:50 AM Re: This can't be healthy [Re: xxanxus]
fvn Offline

Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 4
I feel the same way. Don't know about soft toys but lonely all the time. I feel like people can see that I'm damaged.

#425834 - 02/19/13 12:34 PM Re: This can't be healthy [Re: xxanxus]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Um, there are a LOT of guys here who sleep with soft toys.

Clinging / contact is an innate human need present since birth, and if you've been through trauma it's only natural to want to recapture a feeling of safety again.

I don't have that precisely anymore, though when I was single and my apartment was robbed and ransacked, shit yeah I slept clutching a plush Scar for like two weeks. A decade later, now with CSA fears and other related bullshit, I recently did ask my mom to find and return to me the special blanket she knitted for me when I was 10, and I can neither confirm nor deny whether I may or may not have occasionally given it a bit of a nuzzle if I find myself feeling down and no one else is home.

Seriously, worry if you need to turn to crystal meth. Dont worry about stuffed animals.

My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

#426151 - 02/22/13 03:10 PM Re: This can't be healthy [Re: xxanxus]
Alyk13 Offline

Registered: 02/21/13
Posts: 9
[Post removed. We ask that only male survivors post in this forum.]

Edited by ModTeam (02/22/13 08:26 PM)

#426152 - 02/22/13 03:29 PM Re: This can't be healthy [Re: xxanxus]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 761
Loc: michigan
I think the feeling is so common among survivors dude. Be glad that you have the soft to keep away the bad guys. I robbed myself of that very young because I had to keep the cool points with the brothers, in fact I cant remember ever having one. How much better to have SOME source of comfort and security. so hey ... maybe its not so bad. just remember though guys you are in charge now. you deserve to be secure whatever it takes.
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

#426158 - 02/22/13 04:11 PM Re: This can't be healthy [Re: xxanxus]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:11 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED


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