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#425612 - 02/17/13 07:07 PM Re: A little advice needed [Re: jay75]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3516
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Jay - did we have the same dad? wait - that's right - mine was a step-dad - so maybe we are really half-brothers. i could have written what you said here:

Originally Posted By: jay75
My father was both emotionally and verbally and physically abusive towards me. he often made comparisons between my brother and myself, I of course always came up with the short end of the stick. my brother was in all around athlete a man's man somebody my father could identify with. Me on the other hand I was a very sensitive 9 year old who just lost his mother she had passed away suddenly, my father detested me he would often refer to me as a little faggot, queer, cry baby so on and so forth. I think the verbal abuse was 1000 times worse than the physical abuse it hurt more and left deep scars. In a way, yes I do blame him for what happened to me I believe that it helped to condition me very much so to accept the abuse. I believe the way he treated me, made me believe that my abuser saw what my father saw in me (a little faggot) and so I believed it was my fault. long story short there are just so many layers to the story.


main difference was that i had lost my father - not mother - and i was the oldest of 4 boys - the 2 youngest being half-brothers. the perfect older son i was compared to was his dead son. but enough about me.

what i really wanted to emphasize was the part about the verbal abuse being as bad or worse than the physical. and that it conditioned us for later abuse by others. for me - there was CSA at home too - so that made it almost a given that i'd be a likely target. and - YES - i still blame him.

i allowed him (with my mom) to see each of our 2 older kids on very limited, infrequent and totally supervised occasions. 3 times for the older and 2 for the younger - that was in the space of about 3 1/2 years. he died before our 3rd was born. i was greatly relieved that i didn't have to deal with it anymore. no - i never confronted him about what he'd done - or revealed what had happened to me at school and scouts - which later vulnerability to abuse i see as at least partially because of what he'd done to me. but i know it would have always been difficult to be around him - even if all of that was on the table - in fact knowing his refusal to admit "mistakes" - it probly would have created an even bigger rift.

i guess - with the amount of perspective and progress i've achieved now - my tendency would be to say - NO - i will not see you - and here is why - and tell the truth. if i couldn't say it on the phone - i'd write it.

i know there cannot be a one-size-fits-all answer - but that's my take on it - for whatever it's worth.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#425617 - 02/17/13 08:10 PM Re: A little advice needed [Re: jay75]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Lee brings up an important point, Jay, and I'll expand on it.

I put the "no contact" in writing with a rigorously honest explanation. Unlike a call in which people often hear only what they want to hear, putting it in writing makes my points less prone to any subjective interpretation. There is no mistake in my language, meaning or tone...and it's a permanent record.

Doesn't matter what, if anything they did with it, they had to read it. The issues raised were unmistakable. If they wanted to fabricate stories after the fact to protect their egos - likely - so be it. They certainly couldn't show the letter to anyone without blowing their own cover. All that mattered to me was making the point in black and white.

The mommybitch and hubby #3 were bullies and cowards whose selfish, irresponsible actions created a situation that delivered me to my perp. And that's exactly what I called them in the letter (to their faces, if you will). Their refusal to deal with it and sacrifice me for the sake of their own egos is proof of it.


A few years later I found in an Interweb search that, shortly after when she would have received the letter, the mommybitch had made a humongous $200 donation to a local shelter for abused kids...ummm, this is a woman living in a country club McMansion. And that was the extent of her paying off her conscience.

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#425683 - 02/18/13 10:20 AM Re: A little advice needed [Re: jay75]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Lancer,

You are right, "nostalgia", its amazing how a word can sum it up. It pains me to see so many others go through these struggles. It is incredible how strained relationships between both parents and children can have such lasting effects. I do want to thank you for sharing your experiences I know how incredibly difficult it is to share them at times. and I totally receive your answer loud and clear!!!!!! its time for me to heal and pull back reflect before I can continue with any relationshipwith him.

-Jay-
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#425684 - 02/18/13 10:34 AM Re: A little advice needed [Re: jay75]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Lee,

I have given it some thought, and I am going to put it in writing. I started last night and I am going to take some time to thoroughly write it out. I want to be as clear and concise and be able to fully express my feelings without sounding like a belligerent fool, as that can happen very easily. you are right there is not a 1 size fits all answer but it's fitting in this case. as I told Lancer and everyone else that posted on this forum thank you for sharing your experiences I know it can be very trying especially when writing it down because you have it staring you right back in the face.

As for half brothers, ill take that. Ive never had a brother I could talk to. lol. Thanks again Lee...

-Jay-
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#425740 - 02/18/13 07:03 PM Re: A little advice needed [Re: jay75]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3516
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Jay - sounds like a good idea. a couple of additional suggestions:

after you finish putting it all into words, let it sit for a day or two and then read it again with fresh eyes. you may want to edit or rewrite, add or delete some parts. it is often better not to shoot it off immediately because in the heat of the moment we may say things that can be minunderstood.

if there is anyone you trust to read it and give feedback, that may also be helpful. a more objective perspective can be very useful in finding out if you have communicated what you want to say.

it is a scary thing to do - but also very empowering.
please let us know how it goes.
all the best,
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#425826 - 02/19/13 09:54 AM Re: A little advice needed [Re: jay75]
Zug Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
I have as little contact with my immediate family as possible because of the pain and the way I was treated. I have similar feelings of resentment and abandonment with my dad. We have attempted to have some kind of relationship as adults, but there is too much in the way. For most people, family is who they rely on, can trust, etc. My experience has been exactly the opposite when it comes to family, even the ones not involved in the abuse, the things we're confronting are too dangerous for them. I have noticed that the less contact I have with immediate family (ma,dad, sis, etc) the more progress I make in recovery (sobriety and C/A SA). It about me now, I carried their shit for long enough. I can't be free if I remain tied to all of that horror and behavior they use to keep it rolling. That's just me, but walking away from literally EVERYTHING in my life has been required for me to get away. Just my .02
_________________________
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski


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