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#425715 - 02/18/13 03:11 PM Gifts
Friend2help Offline


Registered: 12/25/10
Posts: 39
After a long absence from this board..I am back with a pressing question. First..a little background.I have been involved with a guy for 2 1/2 yrs off and on...He runs away..when we get too close...we are EXTREMELY close "friends"..we text, IM, email for HOURS DAILY...we see each other once in awhile..movies, meals, hanging out, etc. We talk about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING--there is NO romance....I would like there to be..he knows that..but he is going thru a 4 yr NASTY divorce..and says must be 100% platonic..so I accept that....

He just told me NOW..after 2 1/2 yrs he has issues receiving gifts..and I have given him gifts thru the years---that he has issues with receiving gifts..because he was given gifts to shut him up...yet he ADORES shopping for gifts for his kids and some friends...rarely gives me anything, though....

He says...if he is to receive a gift...he MUST give permission before a gift is given.

He has come so far..has a GREAT job...is a GREAT dad......but so much of his abuse...dispite an amazing amount of therapy..including 1 week inpatient...keeps haunting him. frown

THANKS for your comments!!

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#425762 - 02/18/13 10:28 PM Re: Gifts [Re: Friend2help]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3396
Loc: somewhere in Africa
just my take on this -

in some relationships - he sees gifts as OK - a sign of love - like with his kids. no danger or ambiguity there at all. no strings attached.

in some relationships - like with the perp(s) - he sees gifts a a means of control or manipulation - recalling feelings of victimization, vulnerability, and possibly guilt and shame.

for you - he may be confused as to which it is. he may think of it as friendship/love in his conscious, rational mind - BUT subconsciously feel the conditioned responses from the earlier abuse.

at least that's my guess.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#425788 - 02/19/13 02:37 AM Re: Gifts [Re: traveler]
Friend2help Offline


Registered: 12/25/10
Posts: 39
Thanks SO much Traveler..I SO appreciate your responding to my post. A big part of "us" is his confusion of what we are...and what he wants. I just wonder why now...2 1/2 yrs later..he shares this about gifts..as I have given him plenty....and we discuss EVERYTHING.

I think he did not want me to think he was not appreciative of the gifts I gave to him..he didn't want to hurt my feelings....

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#425812 - 02/19/13 08:37 AM Re: Gifts [Re: Friend2help]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I have a problem with gifts as well.And now I think I know why.

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#425843 - 02/19/13 02:23 PM Re: Gifts [Re: Friend2help]
ShortedDiode Offline


Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 99
Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada
I have problems with gifts too. The problem is that gifts have been used as obligations or blackmail to manipulate us. They've been one of the tools used by the abusers to armtwist us into doing what they want. Sadly, the idea of a gift being something nice to give or receive has been badly corrupted for some survivors that someone bearing gifts immediately raises suspicions and fears about what we're about to get roped into. It's sad, and it shouldn't be this way but for some survivors, it is.


Edited by ShortedDiode (02/19/13 02:24 PM)
Edit Reason: Typo
_________________________
If it's a choice between laughing or crying, I'd rather laugh.

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#425911 - 02/20/13 02:46 AM Re: Gifts [Re: Friend2help]
Friend2help Offline


Registered: 12/25/10
Posts: 39
thanks guys...this makes me SO sad..now I know why he has problems thanking me....when I've giving him something.

Guess what I have problems understanding..is...I ADORE him..he trusts me...knows I care deeply for him and am never out to hurt or harm him in any way...and my gifts are given with love to show I care about him and think of him and want him to know he is special to me....NEVER a tool..NEVER strings attached ...never to beg him to or be something or someone......wow...this is sadly enlightening frown

Breaks my heart into a million pieces the lifetime damage in SO MANY areas!!!!

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#425914 - 02/20/13 03:33 AM Re: Gifts [Re: Friend2help]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3396
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i think this may be related - never crossed my mind before -

this may also be a reason i have a terrible time with accepting compliments or any positive comments about myself - looks, abilities or accomplishments.

flattery has been/can be used as a manipulative technique to gain the trust or favor of someone, make them feel special, try to create a bond of positive feelings and obligations.

- in exactly the same way that gifts can be used.
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#425938 - 02/20/13 11:26 AM Re: Gifts [Re: traveler]
Friend2help Offline


Registered: 12/25/10
Posts: 39
Traveler..wow..I think I am teaching here, too...who knew?

Yes..my guy also has problems accepting compliments. His perp told him he was so good looking..and it was HIS FAULT for looking so good to him...causing him to molest him.....so horrible, repulsive, disgusting!

And one thing my guy does...when people do say good things about his character...the person he is..a good, loving dad, a wonderful teacher..etc....he OFTEN has to tell me...because he needs me to say..Yes..sweetie...you ARE amazing..you ARE wonderful ....I think he needs me to help with his self-esteem to validate that HE IS AMAZING and wonderful and SEE...some people DO SEE it..right?!??! People who are GOOD, loving, caring people...then it must be true?!?!..and yes....IT IS ALL TRUE...you are incredible and my life is better because you are in it and my heart is so full of pain for EVERYTHING you have had to endure.

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#425969 - 02/20/13 08:03 PM Re: Gifts [Re: Friend2help]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3396
Loc: somewhere in Africa
after nearly 40 years of marriage and a year and a half of therapy i am now finally starting to believe my wife when she says positive and affirming things about/to me. she used to get upset with me because i did not believe her, trust her, take her statements seriously.

part of what was so confusing was that one perp - the step-dad - told me i was useless and treated me like i was worthless. that went on for about 15 years. other perps treated me like i was special - the contradictions were something i couldn't make sense of. but the feelings agreed with the step-dad, no matter what anyone else said - maybe because he was the first. i wanted to believe the others - who told me/treated me the opposite - but never could. and it was obvious that they had their agendas and motives so whatever they said was suspect.
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#425970 - 02/20/13 08:16 PM Re: Gifts [Re: Friend2help]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3396
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Friend - you are doing it right - he wants and needs to hear that - whether it looks like it is making any difference or not.

and yes - you helped me learn something about this.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
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