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#425748 - 02/18/13 07:52 PM Questions for survivors - need to know
mkn10 Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
1. A lot of the men on this site have experienced sexual fantasies about males/use porn/have sexual addictions/act out sexually, resulting from the CSA. My survivor seemed to be afraid of sex, I was his first (consensual) partner, it took us a long time to get to a point where he felt comfortable and sex with him became very intimate, caring and loving. To my knowledge, he dislikes porn, never really interested in anything sexual. But do you still think that he fantasizes about other males? Could have acted out with other males/females? I am paranoid because of other's experiences. To my kowledge, the nature of his abuse was a violent rape from his older brother. What do you think? Is it possible that he doesn't share the same similar issues regarding sexuality with other survivors? I would love to hear from any survivors who have gone the no sex path as opposed to sexual addiction path (if that's possible)?

2. Is separation ever helpful? At the moment he has gone away because he says he wants me to find "happiness". His self-loathing is to an extent where he feels he is taking me down with him and I contributed to this idea as I broke down recently and in my state of absolute helplessness told him that I was just as "damaged as him now". Trust me, I know this was NOT the right thing to say. So the question is, now that we are not together, will this time apart be helpful for him to decide what he wants/decide to finally stop running from CSA? (he has not yet began his healing path, but he has said he that he will see a professional, although he only said this once and then the idea vanished from his mind). Or would the separation confirm that I am untrustworthy in his mind, in that I do not truly love him, and nobody does (as he believes) and lead him to feel abandoned?

These questions keep me up at night so any help would be fantastic.

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#425755 - 02/18/13 09:31 PM Re: Questions for survivors - need to know [Re: mkn10]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3392
Loc: somewhere in Africa
no two guys react in exactly the same way - though there are a variety of reactions and variations on them that many of us seem to fall into as basic patterns. so - anything is possible - from total non-s3xual behaviour to obsession, compusion and addiction.

i was abused from 5-13 and again at about 15 by a number of perps - some adult, some boys nearer my own age. as a result i was afraid of s3x and avoided anything to do with it to the point of being almost nons3xual up until my early 20s. i also repressed most of the memories to the point that i didn't really remember what had happened. when i got married, intimacy was difficult because of all the emotional and mental obstacles - not a physical inability - but an invisible barrier that i found difficult to overcome with lots of resistance, guilt and shame attached. i did have some attraction to males - which i also found disturbing, but i never acted on it and tried to ignore and deny it. but until our wedding night, the only s3xual experiences i had were negative ones - and all at the hands of males - which i now think explains the orientation confusion.

it was only recently - with the return of many vivid and detailed memories - that i started to use p0rn. and it was originally for "research" purposes - trying to figure out what had happened to me - if my memories were even possible, if that sort of thing was real - and not just some sick fantasy of my own invention. it was at first an approach/avoidance thing - being simultaneously both intrigued and repulsed. later it was a comfort - knowing that i was not the only one. later still, i think i was trying to use it to convince myself that it was not so bad - that since those guys in the pictures were doing it by choice and seemed to be enjoying it - my trauma could be transformed into tolerance or even pleasure. i never went beyond the internet p0rn in "acting out." i would be too afraid to even attempt s3x with anyone except my wife - one of the few people i trust. and that trust has been hard-won and only recently complete - as i have recovered memories and shared them with her. when she did not judge, condemn and reject me, as i feared, my trust in her grew.

i have been in therapy for about a year and a half now. - started several months after the memories started to overwhelm me. there were short periods that the issues surfaced earlier in my life but i managed to bury them again and only now am really dealing with it all for better or worse. my wife supports me in my struggles. i see my T about once a week and both of us see him a little less frequently than that. i couldn't hve made the progress i have without her - or without MS - or without our T - or without our desperate, weak, questioning, but stubborn faith in God.

i can't really speak to the separation question. for me- that would have made it more difficult - abandonment issues from way back in childhood. but like i said, everyone is different.

hope some of that may help.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#425787 - 02/19/13 02:31 AM Re: Questions for survivors - need to know [Re: mkn10]
Friend2help Offline


Registered: 12/25/10
Posts: 39
I am not a survivor..but I love one...and your stories are similar..except we have never gone past hugging.

We have been in each others lives for 2 1/2 yrs...he has run away often...SCARED!!! Only to return 3-5 months later..and we always get emotionally closer.

We have discussed everything and anything, including about his CSA. He HAS sought affection from men....but he is heterosexual. I have read books on this subject, as well as being here on this board, to try to understand. What my guy says is..after being molested by several men...he FINALLY needed to be shown that a man can be gentle and it just is shown in a sexual way...this seems to be a common pattern with men who have experienced CSA. He has had 2 marriages..14 yrs and 9 yrs (TWO HUGE MISTAKES)...went to EXTENSIVE therapy and STILL to this day...20+ yrs later calls his therapist..when he needs to. He specializes in survivors of CSA!

Healing via therapy is the ONLY WAY and even with that...it's just something, sadly that stays with them forever. frown But they can improve and lead a normal life! A loving partner CAN help!

It would help you to read the many books out there. Go to 1 out of 6 web site..they have a FREE library...they will send you books...or check your library. The books helped me to understand so much.

Sometimes being apart only heightens the love you have for one another..and makes you closer....it has for us....and each time he is away...he heals more.

IT is a challanging path to be close to someone who has been abused.

My guy went through a period of time , where he was not interested in ANY form of sex..not even doing it himself...after reading the books..I found this to be quite common.

Good luck to you both!!


Edited by Friend2help (02/19/13 02:34 AM)

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#425942 - 02/20/13 01:03 PM Re: Questions for survivors - need to know [Re: mkn10]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
There must be 100's of answers for 100's of situations but just some of my experiences: I too am a (Fem)Survivor & in T for years so I have my own experiences. As for his or my own sexuality, it had taken-on many faces. Let's just say he was active & I was not at all. I was non-sexual for 12 years straight after my 2nd divorce. I felt 'used' even when it was not that way. I once read "when 1's 1st sexual experienced is unwanted & forced, one goes forward w/a polluted sexual mind set". Now that made so much sense to me! We both acted crazy. I didn't know what was correct! As for us, it took time & T to get our minds straight on just what sex was supposed to be. As for married seperations, we have had just a few days of such & we agreed it did not help-we are better together & TALKING about our issues, but we have Learned how to do that. I have experienced that if I isolate, I get worst. T & communication have saved our lives. Talk & talk w/o judgements & T is scary but if stayed-to, it works, it has for us. Prayer helped us too.
Always my first: take care of yourself or you can never help another. Per the airlines, put your oxygen mask on first! PS: Our local Crisis Ctr is doing well w/survivors & affordable. These are only my experiences....
_________________________
Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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#425995 - 02/20/13 11:00 PM Re: Questions for survivors - need to know [Re: mkn10]
karin4him Offline


Registered: 03/18/12
Posts: 18
Loc: Illinois
My H was abused by boys only slightly older than himself. He has done drugs, alcohol, porn and then met up with a guy from Craig's list. I, too, am a Csa survivor. While I wanted sex my H did not, or at least not with me. He has sexual identity issues. I worked with a t and am much better. My H continues to avoid T around CSA and covers everything else instead. crazy crazy No matter what our problems have been, we've stayed together. Although it was very,very hard and at times I still have occasional doubts. The point I'm trying to make is, that for us, staying together was the right thing to do because it would have been too easy to walk away and stay away, never working through or dealing with any of the issues and just burying all of our problems again. The worst part of it would be not having each other, but you need to decide what is best for you, because as you have probably figured out from reading on this site, no two situations are alike.

Good luck to you and keep coming here to learn and to vent when needed. smirk smirk smirk


Edited by karin4him (02/20/13 11:03 PM)

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#426134 - 02/22/13 11:43 AM Re: Questions for survivors - need to know [Re: karin4him]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
I once heard: "Where ever we go (run) WE are still there". I take that to mean that We/Us/Anybody are still us; all the good & bad. I feel problems will stay with us, if we avoid them. Many need to be addressed, talked about & hopefully solved. However, I have learned "to walk away" from things that hurt me (again). I do walk away from triggers, bad memories, bad people, anything that sets me back..... "and the Wisdom to know the difference" Please God........
_________________________
Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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