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#425827 - 02/19/13 10:44 AM Re: The line was crossed. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
hey man, what you are doing is the right step. you are moving forward. you know when you are at the bottom the only way you can go is up, right? you just started climbing up, give yourself the credit you deserve. you will have plenty of time to deal with what you left behind but right now, just focus on climbing up. good luck cloudy

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#425833 - 02/19/13 12:29 PM Re: The line was crossed. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6571
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
.




Edited by Still (02/19/13 12:32 PM)
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#425835 - 02/19/13 12:37 PM Re: The line was crossed. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6571
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
CF,

Quote:
Anybody here ever feel suicidal but you don't say anything because you're afraid someone will tell on you? And you can't really say what your feeling because you'll be put on suicide watch or something? I want to die right now. I want to explode, I want to tear down the walls, I want to cry until my eyes bleed, I want to scream so loud everyone in the neighborhood hears my screams, but I can't do any of that, and it builds and it builds and there's no release. Guys I don't know what I need, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, I don't even trust my own self, and there are no answers to all my questions and there never will be. There's no right or wrong, we're all just cast out here on this rock we call earth in a brutal free for all to live. There's no God, and there are rapists. There's pain, so much pain.

I was going to kill myself twice in my life, and right now I'm wondering why in the hell I didn't do it. And if I cheated death then what the fuck am I afraid of? If you had 1 day to live what would you do? I'm sure you'd do something you were afraid to do or something you never did before because you knew it didn't matter anyways, well here I am, I've been given these years I've been on borrowed time and I still can't do a damn thing. Why can't I just jump? Why can't I just do what I want to? I've been trapped for a year, and now I'm jumping, but it takes my anxiety to a high it's never been before. I feel like I'm committing to suicide by moving to see me sister. I'm terrified, but I know if I don't leave this wretched place, there's nothing here for me but more pain.


I just re-read that you are asking a question here. I don't know if you want an answer but YES, I have been there a few times. Its when I fired the red flare.

Let me tell you this Man...and please believe me. There's nothing wrong with throwing up your hands and calling "time-out."


As the Gecko said, Get to and ER and let someone else take care of you. Nothing bad (I'll say it again) nothing bad will happen to you if you go to the ER and tell them what you've typed here in this thread.

It was the best, life-saving thing for me twice now. CALL TIME OUT!!
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#425840 - 02/19/13 01:45 PM Re: The line was crossed. [Re: CloudyFalls]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 170
Loc: Ohio
I've been hospitalized before, and my experience was horrible. Everything was extremely superficial, the nurses were see through fakes, the doctors were foreigners and they treated me like I wasn't equal and I wasn't a peer or idk they just treated me like I was crazy or stupid or whatever fill in the blank. Not to mention the really crazy people in there, people talking to themselves, one lady pissed in her wheelchair because the nurse wouldn't help her to the bathroom, and all sorts of wacky shit.

You wanna know how ridiculous I am though? The real reason I won't go to the hospital because I have acne and if go there I can't use my medication there and I know it will get worse. I'm such a perfectionist, that I want so badly to cut myself and watch the blood flow but the first thing that comes to mind is, that will leave a scar. What set me off with my mom was as vain as she ruined my favorite pair of jeans. Why am I so vain, why do I feel like I need to be and look perfect? I can't move to my sister's because if I do I'll have to change orthodontist's and I'm afraid they'll screw up my teeth. I look at myself and see every imperfection and it kills me, I'll go to the doctor for a physical because I notice an asymmetrical attribute from my body because I think I have some sort of disease. My eyesight isn't as good as it used to be and I think I may be getting glaucoma, in fact doctors are watching me because I may in fact really be developing glaucoma. I noticed a brown spec on my green eyes and I worry my eyes will turn brown and I worry I'll go blind. I notice things with my vision that are probably normal but I go and see the highest specialist I can to make sure my eyes aren't going to stop working. I don't talk about these things because I feel stupid for being this way, I feel vain and narcissistic for wanting to look perfect, but I can't control it. It's things as simple as these that keep me from doing so many things, and I feel like if I'm not perfect I don't deserve to be loved.

I can't go to my sisters, not because I physically can't, but because of something as simple as changing orthodontists. I can't do it, I swore to myself I'd do it, but I can't.

I do however have an emergency appointment with my psychologist tomorrow, so at least I can tell someone how I'm feeling and maybe he can calm me down or help me see sense.
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#425844 - 02/19/13 02:28 PM Re: The line was crossed. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6571
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
I'm very sorry CF.
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#425898 - 02/19/13 09:40 PM Re: The line was crossed. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Zug Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
Hang tuff CF.
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