I just can't talk about it. Not without having some kind of insane physical reaction. A couple of days ago I was talking to a friend online about how I wasn’t looking forward to today, since it would be the anniversary of stuff that happened to me. He knows I was attacked, but not everything that happened. I was telling him that I hadn’t really thought much about it till a girl I know was saying that the anniversary of something that happened to her was coming up, and she was finding it hard.
That’s what put the idea into my head that it was going to be a big deal. Then he asked me, what happened to the girl? I felt like I was going to pass out or something. I couldn’t think what to say. If I said what happened to her then he’d know the real reason for me being so freaked out. And I don’t want him to know that about me. Kind of. But I sort of do, because then I can explain some things about me that must seem weird. But maybe its better to just appear weird?
In the end I just said I couldn’t say. Maybe it’s just harder to talk to people my own age about it. I think people can accept things from when you were younger, you were just a kid so there was nothing you could do about it. (recently I found that easier to talk about. Not the details but just the fact it happened) But when its something that happened more recently, at an age when I wasn’t exactly a child, I think other guys will be thinking “well I wouldn’t let that happen to me, what’s wrong with you?” Or worse, feel pity at how pathetic a person I must be. I KNOW this friend wouldn’t say that to me. But he might be thinking it. (See I really feel the need to try and justify myself now to everyone here about how I'm not really a pathetic person)
I can’t even say things to myself, so what chance have I got of saying them to anyone else? I didn’t even have to say them to my friend, we were only on msn. But I can’t even think about writing about it without having a panic attack. If you look at what I wrote above I just said “stuff happened”. I guess it’s just something that takes time? What can I do to get myself unstuck from this?
(The so called anniversary hasn’t been the terrible event I’ve been making it out to be in my mind. I haven’t done any of the things that I planned to do, so that’s good. Because they weren’t really that good things anyway. All my family had taken the day off work, which was just adding to me making it into a big event. Like, yay lets all take the day off work so we can celebrate ‘feel sorry for Tommy day’. But its been ok. So far. I’m slightly drunk now though, so i hope this makes some kind of sense)