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#425732 - 02/18/13 05:53 PM Cycles of bad habit and confusion
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
Howcome when I masturbate I become so triggered and almost tured on again about my abuse? I feel so much anger and rage when I jerk off, but take it out on myself and my body. I am not even erotically attracted to it, but rather following an automated pattern and replacing it with guilt, rage, and hate. I am so angry that the child porn that was made of me continues happens to so many others, along with other forms of sexual abuse, and there is so much easily accessible porn with those themes of abuse and the trauma and humiliation that we went through. It is not fair. My chest hurts and my eyes are filling with tears
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#425793 - 02/19/13 03:34 AM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on Jay,
it is difficult many times as we are re-traumatized by many usual things beside porn and stuff that is related to abuse frown

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#425820 - 02/19/13 08:58 AM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Check out the article "Breaking the Cycle of Self-Defeating Behaviors".

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#425867 - 02/19/13 05:37 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
Micksup Offline


Registered: 01/12/13
Posts: 5
<>

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#425872 - 02/19/13 05:59 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
Here is the link to Ken's article:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer2.html

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#425874 - 02/19/13 06:11 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
Micksup Offline


Registered: 01/12/13
Posts: 5
<>

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#426139 - 02/22/13 12:41 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:09 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#426488 - 02/25/13 09:00 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
Thank you very much Bodyguard, that was very helpful. How do you cut down on the feeling of shame or the being attracted to such fantasies which are a repeat of your CSA? I often find I start off with a normal healthy fantasies, and it is either easily hijacked or replaced with me being abused, and as I climax, I think of the healthy fantasy and how much it would have meant to me to never have been abused- but it vanishes, and is replaced by my anger, guilt, fear, shame, confusion...

I was abused for 6 or so years by 100s of men online, and then raped by several in person, and as I am only 21, everything is still so fresh. One of my abusers I still see on the street or on campus
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#427726 - 03/11/13 06:10 AM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
Hey Everyone, here is a recent update.

I have been recieving a few more flashbacks and what I can coin as "re-livings" of my abuse but through normal porn searches, or themes similar to it such as dom-sub porn. I am not even attracted to it, but force myself to google, and I am not even arosed, but my hand is feverishly forcing myself to erection and climax- which is so physicaly painful and exactly what happened as men made child porn of me and as the three times I was raped ... :'( I am hurting so much, but cannot articulate it to those around me, and my mind cannot even make sense of it. Often it just blanks out.

I dont know if it is a good thing or not, but last night before I fell alseep my usual google search during these sessions "gay male story archive" turned up with a creepyeffects.org notice on the bottom saying that some sites previously on this search were illegal and therefore removed. I felt really happy to know that some of this filth has been removed from easily accessible resources, but sad because I know a lot of it is still up there, and in the case of that which triggers me- it is intermixed with normal porn. I also felt so much guilt: guilt for feeling like my abusers, guilt feeling like I should be treated like them, and most of all, guilt for continuing to harm myself. I also felt saddness and loss, realising again how my CSA is affecting me, and how there is no way to get justice.


Edited by JayBro (03/13/13 10:50 AM)
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#427751 - 03/11/13 01:53 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
I am so shakey and cold right now. I feel so scared and insecure inside. I really want to see a friend right now. frown
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#427824 - 03/12/13 12:45 AM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Jay, how are you now?
I hope you are feeling a little bit better?
Re-traumatizing sometimes brings some unwanted effects and can make us fragile and vulnerable.
Please look how to protect yourself and to find some positive and safe place that will boost your confidence.
Don't be afraid, you are not alone as long as you are here with us.
Here is my warmest hug for you

(((JayBro)))
_________________________
My story

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#427827 - 03/12/13 01:45 AM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
Thank you so much Pero ((Pero)) I have been contacting some of my friends to see if any would like to connect and let me talk to them. I need to develop more effective strategies of taking care of myself and not letting myself be re-traumatised. Sometimes it culminates after several sessions and becomes rather serious. This needs to end, but what is difficult, is to rationalise something that is without logic to the conscious mind.
Thank you once again
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#427908 - 03/13/13 10:51 AM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
I am still really scared and shakey... I need to leave the house and go to campus, but I am too afraid to
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#427909 - 03/13/13 10:55 AM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Jay, I didn't know that is so difficult there.
Take it easy buddy.
IS there some way that you could calm down and relax?
Have you had some similar experience before, was there something that helped you?

Everything is alright! You are not alone!
_________________________
My story

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#427912 - 03/13/13 11:18 AM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
just now I spoke to my dad on the phone, and I also made plans with another friend to meet on campus for coffee soon, so I think that that may help
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#427942 - 03/13/13 03:50 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
I am still really shakey and scared, as well as feeling dread and guilt which I cannot explain. I am in the campus library, waiting for my friends and waiting for some insight/help on here ;(
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#427943 - 03/13/13 04:09 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on buddy, I'm sure you'll feel better when your friends will show.

Is it possible for you to talk with someone who is expert?
Is there available someone for talk for students in campus maybe?
_________________________
My story

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#427944 - 03/13/13 04:18 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
JayBro

I don't know if this helps...but I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have at times made myself watch gay porn and MB even though I was not 'in the mood'. Reliving the abuse - even through literotica. It is a habit. The thing is it can be like an addiction and you just NEED to get a fix. There is science involved ..... something about the habit causing neural pathways in our brain.... similar to heroin addiction.

We go down a certain path...to get the physical 'high' from the end result of MBing....even though it may not necessarily feel enjoyable. Our bodies/minds have been conditioned to respond to a certain type of stimuli. That doesn't mean we like it or that it is healthy. It just is.

I'll try to find more on that for you.

Hang in there man - it sounds like you are experiencing some major anxiety.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#427946 - 03/13/13 04:30 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
Thank you both very much! I certainly do feel like this is very much like an addiction or sometimes tied to my PTSD. My mind even blanks out and I can't remember what just happened, or something I will find unintentionally will really disturb me and then make me feel so guilty and angry at once. It's like I keep wanting to numb myself to it? Or I feel like I am both abusing and being abused by/to myself, and my face goes blank. I think of my ejaculate as my tears from my feelings, and the blood from my inner wounds.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#427947 - 03/13/13 04:49 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
It is important to try to ground self, to stay present to moment.
Please look how to avoid re-traumatization frown
And after you'll feel better you have to look for some help?
_________________________
My story

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#427948 - 03/13/13 04:50 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
(((Jay)))
_________________________
My story

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#427961 - 03/13/13 08:54 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
((Pero))

I have a general therapist at my university who I see on occasion, but have been on a awaiting list since November to see a pyschiatrist to be assessed for any established diagnosis (i.e. for sure PTSD, Depression, Anxiety etc). I also really want to see therapists with advice on CSA. I have a mens' support hotline as well as a book "Victims No Longer"... I need to run out of my trans/flashbacks, and take hold of the resources at my disposal. I am just so afraid of being judged, or I keep feeling like I will get in some kind of trouble... it is so irrational, but can seem so real.

Later on today, I met with a friend and he had a tea with me for a few hours and we talked and hugged. It helped tremendously.

HUGS once more to you both: Australia and South-East Europe.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#428003 - 03/14/13 07:01 AM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
Why do I feel so frightened?
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#428005 - 03/14/13 07:23 AM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
It is great that you are trying to protect yourself. Concerning how you are feeling could you do something to push for meeting with psychiatrist and see what are prospects for starting therapy?
Articles, books and this site are terrible good and helpful but sometimes it could be that those are not enough in healing trauma.
As I can remember you were raped by two men and you are seeing those abusive persons on daily basis in campus, that could be more than enough for many problems frown

(((Jay)))
_________________________
My story

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#428011 - 03/14/13 08:37 AM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
Hey I can try again. I want to at least see my Campus therapist again soon. I haven't felt this traumatised in at least a month. It's weird, I feel like when I first came to terms with my Abuse 1.5 years ago, I felt so guilty and was so afraid I would get in some kind of trouble and convinced myself that I was a bad person. That largely subsided, but the retraumatisation continued to occur through Flashbacks, seeing the Men who raped me in person or through triggers such as seeing a News story about CSA or stumbling upon Porn which is really triggering among normal sites- it's like those countless Men are following me, and I feel that as long as CSA still exists, and especially is on the Internet (as I was used weekly in Child Porn for 6 years), I am never safe. I hate knowing that some of the original porn that those Men sent me still exists. That just tears my universe apart.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#428241 - 03/16/13 05:08 PM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
I went out with my Friends on Thursday Night and one of my abusers was there. I told them who he was, and they became really upset. One of my Friends wanted to Punch the Guy but I didn't want to make a scene. I almost started crying in the Bar because he kept coming our way and looking at me
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#428287 - 03/17/13 04:24 AM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
Oh Jay, man that is terrible frown
Please try to avoid situation that could be unsafe for you.
It is good if you have your friends around.
(((Jay)))
_________________________
My story

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#428288 - 03/17/13 04:46 AM Re: Cycles of bad habit and confusion [Re: JayBro]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hey Jay

I'm with Pero on this one too. You have to be careful. I am glad you had your friends around you. Sounds like they are good guys. There is safety in numbers.

Hang in there man. And please try not to put yourself in a vulnerable situation.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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