After years of dating men (sometimes exclusively) I can finally say that I am a gay man. And I am so cool with that. Spent years wondering if I was more comfortable dating men because of the sexual abuse from my father and the betrayal / sexual abuse from my mother. Was I born straight and made gay? Should I try to date women? I like women, I like having sex with women even. So I would, and I would act out with men right away. Always wondering "but am I gay?" Am I meant to be gay or am I just punishing myself or trying to recreate my past, which while terrible does carry the comfort of all I knew.
And then I met someone. And it clicked. And I worked my butt off in therapy to be healthy enough to make a relationship work. And I stopped caring why. Because it doesn't matter if I was born gay or born straight or born neither. Not to me anyways. Everything that's happened to me in my life has influenced who I am today - from my genetics to my upbringing, abuse, drug addiction, friends... It's ok. I can let it go and let it be. I am who I am, maybe who I was meant to be, maybe there is no who I was meant to be. And I'm so in love. And so settled.
My name is Benny, I was hurt as a little boy. I am a gay man. A husband, a father, a step father. I am a dynamic, work in progress human being. I almost feel safe to say its all going to be ok. But I'm not quite there yet