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#425552 - 02/17/13 10:19 AM xxxxxxxxx
wearytraveler Offline


Registered: 01/12/13
Posts: 49
Loc: xxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxx


Edited by wearytraveler (01/17/14 01:10 AM)

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#425554 - 02/17/13 10:34 AM Re: Abuser became a family member [Re: wearytraveler]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1038
Josh,

My advice is do not be silent for the sake of the family. Tell your parents first, then your sister, then everyone what the bastard did to you.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#425615 - 02/17/13 07:24 PM Re: Abuser became a family member [Re: wearytraveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3294
Loc: back in the USA
Josh -
you need to talk about it.
it is not going to get easier or go away if you ignore it.
the only one to gain by your silence will be the perp.
the only one hurt by your silence is you.
but don't rush into it. read up on disclosure and confrontation. there are resources to help with that. get support from a T and if possible another friend or family member.
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#425625 - 02/17/13 09:31 PM Re: Abuser became a family member [Re: wearytraveler]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 837
Loc: Kc,Mo
There is no way u can let this guy marry into the family to start this act with others
In your family . Muster up the courage and do not allow what happen to y happen to others when it is within your scope to stop it . Not to mention if this sob has kids with your sister . Wow man tuff spot to be in be strong do the right thing
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#425628 - 02/17/13 10:10 PM xxxxxxxxxxx [Re: wearytraveler]
wearytraveler Offline


Registered: 01/12/13
Posts: 49
Loc: xxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Edited by wearytraveler (01/17/14 01:11 AM)

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#425649 - 02/18/13 12:57 AM Re: Abuser became a family member [Re: wearytraveler]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 837
Loc: Kc,Mo
Sounds like miscommunication that is all , you must understand the position dealing with the very thing we are all here for. No judging here brother sorry if it came off that way . I can not say I could identify on this one because i have never been placed in this spot before , there has to be someone here though who has been in a similar situation . I hope you find out some information that can help you here seriously there are a lot of great people here but just like anywhere else there are always going to be people you do not mix well with so find the ones you do and roll with them

peace and blessings your way
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#425652 - 02/18/13 02:31 AM Re: Abuser became a family member [Re: wearytraveler]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3598
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Josh, how are you dong buddy?
I've seen your post and just came to me that some misunderstanding could arise because of insufficient knowledge. You used words abuser and family and in some combination that could be really triggering for many survivors here and plus that could be seen differently from what you are feeling for your brother in law as I can read. If I'm not wrong you don't see him as abuser, you two talked later about it and never were sexual again. And you know that he was abused too.
In any case for every survivor it is the most important to find what safe borders should be set with person who could be "problematic", meaning what kind of talks are allowed, what and if touches are included, is it allowed him to call you by phone for example or something like that, what if he brakes some of your rules/borders what can you do to limit his access to you and so on, there are many questions when concerning these issues. The most of survivors don't have clear in mind what those borders should look like at all, maybe for start you could think more about that and look for some answers?
Because of family dynamics sometimes in future due to many different reasons and possibilities you two could get in situation that could lead to some unwanted and risky happening, it could be painful for you, him and your family. That is the reason for you to be careful and to work on discovering your wishes and safe borders.
There are a lot of good books like Victim no longer by Mike Lew or Evicting the Perpetrator:A Male Survivor Guide to Recovery From Childhood Sexual Abuse by Ken Singer, maybe you could look for some of these books and try to find some answers?
Please share with us further!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#425685 - 02/18/13 10:37 AM Re: Abuser became a family member [Re: wearytraveler]
wearytraveler Offline


Registered: 01/12/13
Posts: 49
Loc: xxxx
Follow up ****************TRIGGER WARNING**********************

First let me just say that if the title of my post triggered anyone that was not the intent and I apologize. The purpose of the post was to reach out to the community here and see if anyone had been through something similar. I had no idea that using the term abuse and family would trigger some of you as Pero says. I believe I am very sensitive to the needs of the other members on this board. I also believe that is entirely possible to be over-sensitive on this issue - if the word abuse is going to trigger you or the word family will get to you then please do not read my post. Following that logic - I would need to put a trigger warning if I wanted to talk about a workout in the Health and Well being area to be sensitive to anyone who had a locker room experience. If I wanted to talk about a movie I would need a trigger warning for anyone that would had been fondled in the darkness of a theater- should we then just put trigger warnings on each and every post or should I say flash it in a banner on the entire site as a header?

Having said this I will say I am a voracious reader, I have read and been to many posts, I did not go into the sexual detail that I have read on here where each act described, each incident detailed - I have read them and I assumed that the author was in a place that needed to download that information off of their chest and I did not attack their post or call into question their motives for posting it as a attack on each person that is here. I assumed that the post was put there by a hurting heart that needed to put that information out there even if to attempt to seek solace in writing something out to face it I get that and I would never judge the individual for doing it.

I would also have to say that telling an individual that he can NOT be healed would be a trigger bigger than anything else you could say. For it cuts past a memory flash back, it goes beyond dredging up the past it takes away your hope for the path that you are on.

I would request that each of us realize that we are on a path where we encounter each other and in the best relationships of support that I have ever had I occaisionally got offended or I offended someone else - however I cared for that person enough to know that I needed that person to call me on things.

If you are so easily triggered then perhaps talking about an issue rather than totally freaking out about it and sinking is something that would help us on our healing journey together.

Finally I would say this - sometimes in order to hit your target you do have to pull a trigger - yes the sound or the act of doing that can startle you cause some physical pain or a kick back but your still aiming for a target to heal.

When I came to this site - the Sandusky trials that I followed were transformative for me. I had viewed what happened to me as abuse for the first time. I have spent the last year for the first time accepting that this was a form of abuse. Prior to this in the last 10 years I thought that what happened was a bond between me and my brother in law.

I don't know if anyone reading this will or has experienced what I felt - however the entire communication that I sent was not meant to enflame-hurt or trigger anyone it was to reach out and say hey this is what happened - if you have had this happen to you what did you do with this - the key question is what did you do with this. I understand that there are some on here that are still on the road and you have not processed it and your ready to give me advice on things - I am not asking for your advice for me but more of a testimony if there is someone that would want to share.

If I need to be more sensitive to those of you who are on the road to not hurt or stir things up and if you are reading this and you feel like I am to controversial instead of me leaving this site could I please ask you not to read my posts so that I am not constantly on egg shells about you being offended? I believe everyone has their own path to walk there are times that I am going to do stuff here that will be perceived as running or taking it to fast - I have decided I am staying here - and if you have an issue with someone running instead of walking or taking this fast - step aside.

Josh


Edited by wearytraveler (02/18/13 10:41 AM)

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#425686 - 02/18/13 10:50 AM Re: Abuser became a family member [Re: wearytraveler]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1038
Josh,

It's all good. We have all had our learning moments here. MS isn't quite like a regular online forum because we are all so emotionally raw here... so sometimes we bump up against each other in ways we hadn't intended. It happens.

We admire that you're running instead of walking through recovery... but speaking as a sometimes-runner, be careful. It is possible to take recovery too fast, and it can hurt when one hits a place one isn't prepared for.

Welcome home. We hate that you have to be here, but we're glad you've found us.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#425723 - 02/18/13 04:29 PM Re: Abuser became a family member [Re: wearytraveler]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
I'm am also a runner type. I'm hyper by nature and don't mean to offend anyone, but this search for the answers we need can be a bumpy road too. It seems to me almost any word could be a trigger. I discovered two new ones in December. Hot Wheels. Why? Because of new memories. I would not dump on anyone who would post a thread topic about hot wheels just because it's a trigger for me. Im leaning to deal with triggers, like we all have to do if we want to heal. I don't expect anyone to walk on eggshells around me either. Sometimes, ok, I do go to fast...but I am still going and forward to. That is the goal, to move forward and try to be sensitive along the way to others.

No one however, should cast doubts on anyone's story or life. We should all know well enough how hard healing is and how bad it feels to have people write us off or say we are confused. I am glad too that you are here Josh and value you as I have learned to do with many other members.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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