Newest Members
lilac, The Wife Of, smusab, whiteflag, North101
12287 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
DruidWolf (39), Harry (33), knigh50 (53), mike54 (56)
Who's Online
8 registered (Obi, 86, Suwanee, BraveFalcon, 2 invisible), 30 Guests and 7 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12287 Members
73 Forums
63211 Topics
442000 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#425504 - 02/16/13 10:06 PM Male CSA and Shame
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Why are male victims of csa ignored?
What would happen if as a society we shattered the shame and the silence.
Some words are just to hard to say. He was raped. We just don't have capasity for men to be that Victimized. I think children get the compaction and care sometimes but Most of us went silent until we grew up. Now as men we must recover the best we can in the back ground. I hear the one in four girls quite often. I have only heard the one in six boys only here and in a few books.

I was molested/raped over 35'years ago. I would like to find out what happened to my abuser. I was just a kid. I had no power then and I have no power now. My first T discouraged me from trying to track him down. And sugusted going to the police would not likly be upheld and would take my family through hell.

I think the law in some ways was back then was working in the perps favor.

Has any thing changed? Has any one seen there abuser prosecuted?


Edited by SmartShadow (02/17/13 12:21 AM)

Top
#425523 - 02/17/13 03:46 AM Re: Male CSA and Shame [Re: SmartShadow]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1934
Loc: durham, north england
Yep, our language is just wrong here. "he was raped" is hard enough, "he was raped by a woman?" heck, I don't even think there is a legal deffinition of gang rape that covers my own experience of multiple girls.

Society is just superficial and crap to anyone who doesn't fulfill the sterriotypical rolls. What however realy! gets me is the way anyone who does! fill that roll seems to get so much sympathy.

Top
#425535 - 02/17/13 08:45 AM Re: Male CSA and Shame [Re: SmartShadow]
LazyPirate Offline


Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
It is horrible to say, Smart, but your T was right... With the statute of limitations, your family & you would go through hell & nothing would be legally done to your perp. The only vindication you would have is exposing your perp for the monster he is to his family & friends. *Using him/he as a general term. Could be a her.* I'm in the same boat as you. My perp molested me some 30 years ago & I only told my wife about 2 years ago. I have never told my parents or any other family or friends. My Mom is friends with my perp's Mom, making matters worse. To bring this into the public eye now would be hell for me, my family, his family & the community in general... & with the SOL long run out on this crime, no real justice could come from it. I fully agree that attitudes need to change. Not enough of the public is even aware or willing to admit that boys are victims too. Most people just think of girls being molested. Or maybe people think the boys should just grow the fuck up & get over it. Grow a beard & grow a pair... Either go kill the guy or just shut up. I think that that is the attitude that so many have.
_________________________
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson

Top
#425561 - 02/17/13 11:28 AM Re: Male CSA and Shame [Re: SmartShadow]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
I do agree with you guys, but one thing strikes me in the posts. Wanting to protect your family from any fallout of disclosure, I understand that. But consider that for the last 30 years you have been protecting "it" for the sake of someone else. Here again, you guys reference saying nothing for the sake someone else. Which is your choice, but when do you get a voice? A voice for your sake, and the sake of the kids you once were.
_________________________
I am the warrior.

Top
#425581 - 02/17/13 02:28 PM Re: Male CSA and Shame [Re: SmartShadow]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
Shame!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s it the golden nugget of recovery, right, coming to grips with the fact that a part of you needs to tell the world you were raped in every minute detail yet a different part of you wants nothing more than run and hide from everyone and everything forever? Its why MS is so important, it allows us a way to tell the world of how we were raped countless times with new details every time at the same time allowing us the anonymity of the internet to allow “plausible deniability” in the rest of our lives but here we know all yet can deny everything in “our day to day reality”. Is that recovery? Coming to grips with the cognitive dissidence between the needs of everyone knowing everything vs. no one knowing anything? I think of all my strange behaviors all centered on some type of coping mechanisms around this unnatural destroyed and brainwashed dichotomy in my psyche?

Cee

Thanx guys the discussion on the board has been very thought provoking lately, awesome!
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

Top
#425584 - 02/17/13 02:42 PM Re: Male CSA and Shame [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
I am soon dust, I mean I am 50 and the last 30 years have gone by like a flash. Added to it I supose that I don't rember much or have a difiacult time getting to my memories, even resent event fall quickly dim. I don't need a voice. I am ok.
I just want the next set of kid to have a voice and people who will fight for them. I know that there is so much more to day avalable then there was back when I was trying to first be a survivor. But it's not enught. Society as a whole is so in denial and like L.P. said above so well, it's the boy who should do something about it. It's like we are supose to grow up and be a man already. How's that going.

I want to help the new victims. I want to stop the perpetrators from hurting more kids. I want to do today what I couldn't do then. I want them stoped. I want anyone who doesn't want them stoped to know what there going along with.

Sorry I am not directing this at anyone, just having feelings.


Edited by SmartShadow (02/17/13 02:45 PM)

Top
#425603 - 02/17/13 04:31 PM Re: Male CSA and Shame [Re: SmartShadow]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
A voice? I think everyone’s always has one just ours was taken away but while getting your voice back can be part of your recovery it’s not required, how many of us will never even ask a question of any one who could, not saying they would validate what happened to us, for whatever reason we will never have one, never, it will never be part of our reality.

SS I totally agree the only way to give any of us a true voice is just combat the ignorance that boys are raped every second of every day and we need to listen, we need to be there we need to tell them it’s never going to be ok but we’re going to make sure its ok as together we can make it, yes SS we need a voice.

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

Top
#425604 - 02/17/13 04:57 PM Re: Male CSA and Shame [Re: dark empathy]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hay dark empathy,
I think what you are talking about makes my point all the more. Not fitting into the equation is the problem. So then we are the problem and are perps are free to keep abusing adding to our ranks. How is this going to change?

Top
#425607 - 02/17/13 05:28 PM Re: Male CSA and Shame [Re: SmartShadow]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
We can make a difference in sharing our stories. There is nothing more powerful than being understood, assured that you are not alone. When I came here, I was greeted with "I get you". Because I have been there too.

Finding our voice is not only about US; it's just as much about every other kid who has had to deal with this shit. And just as much about the perps who benefit most from our silence. The lives of others depends on our ability to share ourselves, our pain and suffering
_________________________
I am the warrior.

Top
#425608 - 02/17/13 05:50 PM Re: Male CSA and Shame [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hay cee, thanks for the words! Maybe we will find our voice at some point. Or maybe we will find a way to help others.

Top
#425609 - 02/17/13 05:52 PM Re: Male CSA and Shame [Re: Letourski]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Originally Posted By: Letourski
We can make a difference in sharing our stories. There is nothing more powerful than being understood, assured that you are not alone. When I came here, I was greeted with "I get you". Because I have been there too.

Finding our voice is not only about US; it's just as much about every other kid who has had to deal with this shit. And just as much about the perps who benefit most from our silence. The lives of others depends on our ability to share ourselves, our pain and suffering


Thanks for this perspective. These words realy resonate with me.

Top
#425613 - 02/17/13 07:09 PM Re: Male CSA and Shame [Re: SmartShadow]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
We can make a difference in sharing our stories. There is nothing more powerful than being understood, assured that you are not alone. When I came here, I was greeted with "I get you". Because I have been there too.

Finding our voice is not only about US; it's just as much about every other kid who has had to deal with this shit. And just as much about the perps who benefit most from our silence. The lives of others depends on our ability to share ourselves, our pain and suffering
_________________________
I am the warrior.

Top
#425666 - 02/18/13 04:40 AM Re: Male CSA and Shame [Re: SmartShadow]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
imo, SS, we've already found our voices. MS is one proof. Widespread reporting of Sandusky, the RCC and BSA is another.

As I posted elsewhere, I can't imagine this happening 10, 20, 30+ years ago when it was swept under the carpet. Attention will wax and wane, but the trend seems to be on the uptick now that people are talking about it. None of these institutions can go back to business as usual...because there will now always be a voice somewhere. (Not that it's a cause for our own complacency).

Many of us don't get personal justice. But I've come to be okay with my own case most of the time. I got/am getting the word out, often a person at a time. That's one of my strengths, not the organized rallies and campaigns. It's what I'm good at. Other survivors have other talents. But this is mine.

Top
#425711 - 02/18/13 02:32 PM Re: Male CSA and Shame [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Lancer, thanks for this truth, I know things for male survivors are moving in the right direction. There seams to be a growing awareness and margin to talk about it. I still feel like a second class individual in all of this. I am ashamed and hiding. For the sake of everyone even myself. Ts, wife and this survival forum. That my circle of influence to this point. I would like to get strong enught internally to take more of a public stand. Lead a recovery group for male survivors or something. Right now that would be too much to manage. Not the group it self. But the social spot light. Would force me and my abuse statice in to all of my relationship. I don't have the ability at this point to deal with that level of focus and public labeling. Maybe this is part of why I have a limited voice. I limit it.
For the season of my recovery all I can do is own this.


Edited by SmartShadow (02/18/13 02:33 PM)

Top
#425719 - 02/18/13 04:00 PM Re: Male CSA and Shame [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
My abuser is not on a list. He probably is living and functioning quite well some where. I wish I could know that he has suffed at least as much as I have in all of this. But I think that would require the public shame and stress and loss of income and emotional turmoil that seem to have no end. I am to forgive according to my beliefs. In some way I have, in other ways I have a lot more work to do. But to forgive only releases me, it dose not excuse and it does not clean up his side of the street. Forgivness does not excuse anything. I would like our abusers to own the damage they have caused. How about they start by paying me back all the T $. Or just start picking up the tab from here on. On yea a compensation on all the losted productivity would be nice. Oh how about quality of life. On and on and on. I wish I could transfer some of this off my plate. To where it belongs.

Top
#425724 - 02/18/13 05:00 PM Re: Male CSA and Shame [Re: SmartShadow]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Wishing I could transfer some of this off my plate is exactly where I'm at SS...despite any appearances to the contrary. Often feeling like a second class individual (you really have a devestating way with words!) is something I've never been able to consistently shake off...and particularly when it comes to dealing after the fact with those who have even the slightest connection to the CSA.

I'm feeling a bit of that now as I've contacted a step-sister with the intent - IF she's receptive - of spilling the beans on the environment that led to the CSA. If one other person on that side of the family knows the truth - just one - that daylight exposure is quite enough for me.

"Forgiveness", imo, is bullshit used by religious institutions to subjugate and by New Age/self help publishers to sell books. I'm not buying. If the offending party hasn't even a clue he/she has done anything wrong and/or can't admit it, this so-called forgiveness or my refusal to even consider it just makes me "wrong" again, and has the potential to dial up the damage to my self-esteem another notch. I refuse to do that to myself. (As I've often heard in meetings, suffering is optional).

What I have managed to do over the years is come to a complete understanding of the dynamic. That's pretty damn good, actually helps clear the emotional slate some and gets me back into living in the present.

But I don't need any more reasons to make myself "wrong". I do not forgive my perp. I do not forgive his enablers. They were adults. They knew better. And I hold them responsible. Where it belongs is where I've put it. Right back in their laps.

Top
#425725 - 02/18/13 05:09 PM Re: Male CSA and Shame [Re: SmartShadow]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
The issue of justice is especially troublesome to me, because I honestly don't know if I - or a great many of us - now have more options than I'd initially thought to be the case.

As we discussed here a few weeks ago, in 2012 the Justice Department revised the official legal definition of rape, which since 1927 had just specifically been the penile penetration of a resisting (and I believe unmarried) woman. Nothing else counted. The new definition is much more realistic, covering basically any orifice-based sex act upon anyone, including oral sex, including males.

Many, many of us here have been burned by the SOLs for child abuse. But what is the SOL for rape? Does the legal reclassification change anything? Especially for those of us who know that the abuser(s) is/are still alive?

I'm honestly afraid to look.... there is sometimes comfort in helplessness, in defeat, in knowing "oh well, guess what I'm doing today is the best I can do because there's nothing else to be done." If there's for real a pathway for legal pursuit now available to so many of us.... I honestly don't know if I'd have the stomach to start walking it. Takes everything I've got just to make it to work in the morning. But for those of you who might be a bit more stabilized.... maybe check it out and report back?


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

Top
#425730 - 02/18/13 05:47 PM Re: Male CSA and Shame [Re: SmartShadow]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
fwiw, my legal path has been blocked by current SOLs in the state where the abuse happened and may not even be resolved by their legislature this year. Inasmuch as there's nothing I can do about it, I've just shifted focus in the interim.

Top
#425774 - 02/19/13 12:01 AM Re: Male CSA and Shame [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Yea, shift in focus. Back to the more productive I suppose.
Thanks for the input.

You know the forgivness thing like I said does not let my perp off the hook in any way. It just keep me from going insane.

Top
#425823 - 02/19/13 09:14 AM Re: Male CSA and Shame [Re: SmartShadow]
Zug Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
I was totally abandoned to my crazy mom by my family, and have been judged terribly by family because of her behavior. I have confronted some of the people who attacked me as an adult on the internet (recently)these are bad people and it puts me in real physical danger. I refuse to be quiet, this is too awful, being quiet almost killed me. I don't care what other people think, family or otherwise. If any of those disgusting ghouls come at me in the street because I told the truth they can take what I give them. Silence is what hurts us, I refuse to keep others secrets, it almost killed me and I should never have had to do it in the first place. The shame and guilt in this whole story is not mine, it belongs to others, I refuse to take it. They did it, they can live the consequences, even more so because I have had to. If family members don't like it they can lump it. I seriously don't care if telling the truth kills me, because I know that silence will. Sorry Im posting so much this am, Im new and I need it.
_________________________
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski


Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.