Jay - did we have the same dad? wait - that's right - mine was a step-dad - so maybe we are really half-brothers. i could have written what you said here:
My father was both emotionally and verbally and physically abusive towards me. he often made comparisons between my brother and myself, I of course always came up with the short end of the stick. my brother was in all around athlete a man's man somebody my father could identify with. Me on the other hand I was a very sensitive 9 year old who just lost his mother she had passed away suddenly, my father detested me he would often refer to me as a little faggot, queer, cry baby so on and so forth. I think the verbal abuse was 1000 times worse than the physical abuse it hurt more and left deep scars. In a way, yes I do blame him for what happened to me I believe that it helped to condition me very much so to accept the abuse. I believe the way he treated me, made me believe that my abuser saw what my father saw in me (a little faggot) and so I believed it was my fault. long story short there are just so many layers to the story.
main difference was that i had lost my father - not mother - and i was the oldest of 4 boys - the 2 youngest being half-brothers. the perfect older son i was compared to was his dead son. but enough about me.
what i really wanted to emphasize was the part about the verbal abuse being as bad or worse than the physical. and that it conditioned us for later abuse by others. for me - there was CSA at home too - so that made it almost a given that i'd be a likely target. and - YES - i still blame him.
i allowed him (with my mom) to see each of our 2 older kids on very limited, infrequent and totally supervised occasions. 3 times for the older and 2 for the younger - that was in the space of about 3 1/2 years. he died before our 3rd was born. i was greatly relieved that i didn't have to deal with it anymore. no - i never confronted him about what he'd done - or revealed what had happened to me at school and scouts - which later vulnerability to abuse i see as at least partially because of what he'd done to me. but i know it would have always been difficult to be around him - even if all of that was on the table - in fact knowing his refusal to admit "mistakes" - it probly would have created an even bigger rift.
i guess - with the amount of perspective and progress i've achieved now - my tendency would be to say - NO - i will not see you - and here is why - and tell the truth. if i couldn't say it on the phone - i'd write it.
i know there cannot be a one-size-fits-all answer - but that's my take on it - for whatever it's worth.