...write, delete, write, delete.
ASA... I am afraid to write what I really feel so I write, delete, write, delete. Why? Why a grown man with kids? Why a middle-aged man? Why any man for that matter- or woman? What could you have possibly gained in stature by your actions? For God's sake, I was drugged. I was DRUGGED... S.U.R.G.E.R.Y.! What could you have possibly gained? I fail to comprehend. I fail to forgive. I fail to heal. Its not a choice. I just can't. I don't know how. I just don't know how. I don't even remember how it ended...and I find that revolting. And me.

...heavy sigh...maybe some anger issues...you think?...add a touch of betrayal...throw in a bit of rape... recipe for a trouble heart. Man, oh, man.

so sorry, billray.

i sense your pain and i have no answers.

but i thought it might help a tiny bit just to know you are heard.

it can get lonely at this time when there aren't as many guys around. i am in a different time zone - 12 hours off of EST - so am often up when others aren't. send me a PM any time if you feel like it.

Lee

hi billy ray
it is hard to write what you feel but for me it helps tons.I do it kinda matter of fact till I cant take the pain, and I do it long hand because It is not permanent at that point. just thoughts on a page. I find that it is not the feelings that I fear, but feeling the feelings. I type it out then and it is real but distant,like building a fire. it is safe from a distance. so I write and when I read it it is like a sad story and I can cry if I need to. then I post it here to make real to me,it is my story and I hate it here we can all hate it together and there is comfort in that. I hope that helps some. I share at least part of you story man and there is healing.
Jeff

Gentlemen, I thank you for the responses and words of wisdom. Lee, I so thank you for permitting me to reach out privately. Jeff, the last phrase of your post ends with "there is healing"...I suppose there is. I have always been an optimist. Have always healed. Always. Even in the worst of times. But not today. Not in this presence and not in this body. I am working with the therapist, but it seems so slow. I want a quick fix this time. I want the decades to go by so it will seem a past life and I can sort of forget, but then that would make me very much aged...

...and as you said, Jeff, I hate it here. But here is where I find others of my "kind". The used, the discarded, the objectified. And seems also the healing and the healed.

I just don't want to be me and I don't want this to have happened. Sexual violence not only is so physically and spiritually invasive, its beginning to piss me off. Maybe that's what I am missing. The anger. The T mentioned that aspect again last week and I had no answer. Anger doesn't come forth. But I am beginning to get pissed.

I still ramble when I write, and I hope to not offend anyone. I also hope no one picks up on a word or phrase I may have written and gives me a lecture. I was taught not to make a mistake or the wrath of God would descend. (That is an exaggeration, but still true..). You can add to the rambles above that I am still in the self-blaming stage for the ASA, which in reality means I made a BIG mistake. Even though I know ... And I guess my last big thought for the entry is that I have developed such unexplainable fear...even the fear of posting here or having someone verbally go after me... its just crazy. Just crazy.

hey man
This seems so familiar to me.The fear is the hardest thing in the world. it seems that "they" are around every corner and it seems that the fear will bury me. And sometimes I just cant seem to do even simple things doctors appointments are a nightmare,I am trying to set up with a new Therapist and now that is seems I can probably see him,I look at his information again and talk myself out of it. but the fact is man ... this was not your fault. you did nothing wrong at all to bring this on yourself. I register with what you said about bring the two together it seems daunting I know but you are taking the best first step... talking.
heal well
Jeff

Fear-every day
Anger-every day, almost constant
unarticulatable Rage-often
isloation-daily
loss of support-family full of high functioning, highly self/group protective abusers and fascilitators
Disgust-Total, with everything-people, cops, myself, VA, other mental health folks, friends, family
Self Blame-the only logical conclusion; society says, the VA says, my own mother said same.
I'm clearly the one with the problem
I do not think I can come back from this. I am giving things away, trying to get the rescue to take my dog back. What's going around in my head will not stop, there is no help or empathy, there is just what I have now. This is not living, there is nothing in my life that was promised to me, no one. I did all the right things, supposedly. Overcame many challenges, served, college, back in military, got great job. Apparently people like me don't get those things. What I get is totally used; $, sex, etc. No matter how hard I've tried in life, I have always lost, in spite of going to great lengths and expending great energy. When I think about how I have spent my energy and what it has gotten me, now where I sit here typing, it makes me want to take my own life. I constantly think about what it would be like to just not be here, not have to consider or worry about this, feel the fear, anger, rage, disgust. I'm very tired. I've been fighting this fight my whole life, I can't get away. I could never just give in and be what they wanted me to be, I'm not like that. I have no place, no hope, nothing. This is literally killing me. What I've found is that I am expendable.

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