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#425434 - 02/15/13 10:46 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Still,

We love you. You do not annoy us. Articulating our rights as survivors is a worthy endeavor.

Cant
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#425456 - 02/16/13 07:35 AM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Yea I git it. I realy do. Devastating.

Take you time and heal each day best you can.


Originally Posted By: Still
So that's why I link he two...as she and the court and the court-ordered psych, and three marriage counselors and pastors did.



Amendment H. The right to heal from the worst of what has come our way.

Thanks for helping me understand.

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#425851 - 02/19/13 03:05 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: SmartShadow]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: SmartShadow
Yea I git it. I realy do. Devastating.

Take you time and heal each day best you can.


Originally Posted By: Still
So that's why I link he two...as she and the court and the court-ordered psych, and three marriage counselors and pastors did.



Amendment H. The right to heal from the worst of what has come our way.

Thanks for helping me understand.


I'm trying to be able to write these again. Another is the right to demand fundamental competency of CSA from those who we PAY to help fix our shit!...like not adhering to the myths.


Edited by Still (02/19/13 03:06 PM)
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#425881 - 02/19/13 08:24 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Zug Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
I agree with a lot of what I've read here. I will say that my ego kicked my ass very badly when I was trying to get sober and it was ruf until it was dealt with. I see some of that in what I read. I could tell you my story, but it doesn't involve $, but the military, so you may not be able to identify. Let me say this; I alwasy felt bad about me as a kid and later (mostly because of things outside my control)and my answer to that was to totally throw myself into what I did, totally vicious to myself-I tried to just forget it and replace those bad feelings with accomplishments. What it got me was drugged and raped by my own wife and others I trusted, 2 ruined careers, lost all my friends, much of family, etc. It was there all the time, waiting. Not just the family of origin stuff that drove to me a relationship with a woman and people like that in my life, but the ptsd, symptoms, etc. I used substances too, then they didn't work anymore and it was very bad. It took dealing with that first. I've SOBER for 5 years, worked the steps with the help of a sponsor, service positions, etc. My symptoms got so bad again that I ended up a recluse, AGAIN. That's what brought me here, finally just yesterday. Does someone who comes from no real home with no real parents,physically/emotionally/sexually abused, moved all time, discipline problem, violent, etc that serves in 2 special operations units and more, gets a college degree with no help, buys home, etc in spite of all that shit sound like a VM to you? No, but there was a victim in there, driving some of that behavior. Its all still there, whether we like it or not,m in spite of whatever we accomplish. PTSD chemically changes your body and brain, rewires them, there is no way around it. I've had to give a lot up and I'm glad to be here. Not to be a dick, but some humility might help. Just my .02
_________________________
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
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#425933 - 02/20/13 09:51 AM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Clarification on the original rant and money:

The rant and my current crisis is not about money. Its about the fact that I am being scorned by many around me as "not being fixed yet."

The thing is; no one noticed that i dragged myself out of the black evil muck of hell and fought my way into the world of the normals. For fuk sake, it took me 5 years to get through high school. I'm saying I DID crawl up and out and i DID make it!

I was fully on my own from the moment i was born. my mother was in a wheelchair, i was raised by hired help. My father did/does not believe in emotion re raising children. he drank and was a massively violent drunk that in and of itself has me fked to the max.

I crawled out. I crawled up. I learned from and emulated the normals. I targeted a lifestyle that I saw around me during my childhood and wanted to experience it without psychotic horror... To not blow my brains out, I drugged and drank. But I made it....ONCE. I made it already, then it was ALL shredded.

Its not the money! Its that I'm being told to "stand the fk up" and "man-up." Trouble is, I'm used up. People CAN actually be defeated. I know its oh-so fashionable in America today to never say "never," to think you can always improve yourself...there's always healing. I'm sorry to inform some...sometimes the bullets of life just fk you up too much to fix. Sometimes the patient just dies on the ER table.

But PLEASE dont piggeon-hole me into a rich-prick whining about my BMer and boats. Everything is gone. I just wanted to reach that life...and I did...and now its gone. I just got my 600sq ft rented shit hole filled back up with propane. In less than 26 days, it went through $501 worth of propane, I have to decide, food, or propane.....Efexor, Abilify, Klonopin, Metoperal,Divlaproex, Albuterol....or propane.

Lose the key fob and the country-club clothes? I own one pair of sneakers and they are falling the fk apart cuz they are 2.5 years old. I don't OWN a car. I borrow one.

I mentioned that I've given so many cars to unwed mothers you'd never be able to count them. i DID give back to society. High-income brings massive resentment I guess. Fkg SOUP KITCHEN? I bought an entire kitchen for a retreat house for missionaries. I have NOTHING now and yet I just paid $45 for stamps to circulate the Child Safety Zone petition. I can't afford $45...I need shoes that don't show my shitty socks.

I know people love to see the seemingly successful fail and fall. But I had to climb the pole with no help and Hell nestled in my head.

I've been placed where I belong. And its NOT with the normals and their shit.
Normals say unto me: "dude....get over it!" "Dude...it was a long time ago." "When are you gonna git back up on that horse?"

And 20 times a minute I think "dude...wouldn't a speeding train be SO fkg sweet right now!"
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#425949 - 02/20/13 02:46 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1490
Loc: New England
Hey Still,

Your not alone. You never will be again. as long as this web site is up and running.

You are right, you HAVE overcome a lot to be where you are today. Dirt poor, but rich in self-understanding, compassion, empathy, justice and spirituality.

As Tevya said in Fiddler on the Roof: Oh, dear Lord. You made many many poor people. I realize, of course, it's no shame to be poor... but it's no great honor either. So what would be so terrible... if I had a small fortune?


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#426010 - 02/21/13 08:25 AM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Love this Jude!

I never got to see Zero Mostel or Topol in Fiddler. I was actually way too young for it. When eventually saw it on TV I was amazed by the play.

I'll never forget the role money played in Tevya's life. I was actually very disappointed that it was ruining (IMO) this man's view on how wealthy he really was. I was also very disappointed at the role of Tradition and the wedge it formed in the family.

My parents were amused by the plight. I'll never understand that either.

I will be a rich man, if from my death-bed, I can say I did well raising my kids and contributed to child safety and child mental health and introduced people to God.


Edited by Still (02/21/13 08:59 AM)
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#426013 - 02/21/13 08:44 AM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Zug Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
Still, I'm right there with you I did the same things you did, with a much more diverse cast of 'violent drunks' in the role of 'dad'. I had to fight my whole life, with my fists or anything else I could use. I did the same thing you did, I threw myself (to the point of it costing my life in more ways than one, lol) into things. I had all I managed to build taken away from me by people that I have known since we were 14, it was calculated, planned and well executed. These people kept me as a sexual device to be drugged and used, humiliated in public with 'secret remarks' that I could never understand. I get what you're saying, better than you know. I have no hope, no help, no family, no hope of help. I am forced to rent a room, I have no control over my life. I can empathize with you. There is nothing to hold me here, nothing to look forward to. I really don't care about my legacy, my son (he loves his mommy even though she took him around her 'friends' who Im sure sexually assaulted him and his sister)or anything else now. No one ever cared about me, I was just always 'crazy Margy's crazy kid', and I always will be. My ex and her 'friends' have conducted a sustained campaign to paint me in the worst light possible that continues today. I've had people make reference to what happened to me in public AND LAUGH right in my face. There was never anything to get, there isn't anything here for me, its all just a lame screw around. All the things people said to me about overcoming adversity, etc as a kid was BS, I got lied to. Please let me tell you that I couldn't care less how I'm remembered and I'm living the 'broken' and can't come back thing.
_________________________
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski


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#428332 - 03/17/13 10:49 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
There really are no people who get where I am in this life. It truly is a life of isolation even if we seek to not isolate. We are not intended to even gather together in true support.

I honestly don't see "true support and comradery" existing for CSA kids and adults.

Sorry to say it...I only see the we are not alone, but we are alone.
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#428359 - 03/18/13 09:13 AM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1290
Loc: kansas
...


Edited by Obi (05/03/13 06:07 PM)
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