This is all I can do. I can write, so I will write.
I'm sick and tired of everything, I'm sick and tired of my parents bullshit. They're a joke, everything's a joke. I'm starting to think I'm surrounded by idiots, people who don't think for themselves. Morons who care more about Nikki Manaj, EXTRA, honey boo boo, snookie what have you. The stupidity of politics in this country, the media. It all sickens me, I hate it. Everything's a joke.
Capitalism is not what we think it is, our government is not as powerful as we thought it was, and media influences more people than we realize. I see nothing but problems and only a few who take initiative to fight it. Where our country is run by wall street and the greedy ambitions of millionaires, when corporations decide the elections, when we have two parties to choose from, split completely down the middle, we don't have to worry about civil war, we're already in one. Republicans Vs. Democrats. And where media breeds our kids to be idiots, short witted, dependent on objects and material, where people starve themselves to look like the Photoshopped models on magazines, when media paints a picture of normal no one can ever hope to achieve. It's no wonder things are so fucked up.
But that's besides the point, I'm so sick and tired of being able to do nothing about it. I'm so sick and tired of being in my prison. I'm so sick and tired of my parents trying to shape who I am, I'm so sick and tired of their bullshit. As a kid I used to dream of being an orphan, and it's NO wonder why. Even now I wish I could just disappear, I hate my family. I JUST DON'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE. I HATE my family. I hate my family, I HATE my family. I HATE MY FAMILY!! I can't say it enough, it makes me sick to my stomach to see my mom and dad every day, they're stupid habits, they're blind ambitions, their cloud 9 views of the world, they're NEVER going to change, I see that now, THEY will NEVER change. They're pathetic human beings, I look at them with disgust. I can't live like this, this isn't who I am, I don't want to feel this way, but I have every right to. They weren't there for me, they NEVER were, they failed to raise me, they failed me in every way. I gave them more than enough chances, and I know they're never going to change. But I'm trapped, I'm stuck in this prison, and they're my wardens. They guilt me, for ever single thing they do for me now, they give me advice and assume I'm a dumbshit, I'm sick of it. WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU WHEN I WAS A KID, FUCK YOU. I OWE YOU NOTHING. I want nothing more than to DISAPPEAR and just say I HAVE no family. They're dragging me down into shit. I tried, I really tried to forgive them, I even confronted them, I even got my sorrys, but they're worthless, because they'll never change, and they are FAR too late. They failed, there's no other way around it, their time has come and it has gone and I want nothing to do with them.
And it's not just that, I waited a fucking year to get into this "Survivor group". Thinking it would be the "Next level" of my recovery, and it's a JOKE!!!. The best way I can describe it is an Anarchy based group free for all fight for pity over menial things. I've heard one mention of CSA, the rest is how much their job sucks or something menial like that while I'm sitting there in silence crying inside thinking, "Yeah well I fight for my life everyday just to keep from giving in to self destruction. I cry myself to sleep, I bottle my anger into hatred, and would die to just knock myself out." I'm 20 and they rest of them are 30s and mostly 40-60. WHY WOULD THEY THINK I COULD BENEFIT IN A GROUP LIKE THAT? I was lied to told this was a survivor group and it's a middle aged whining group. I hope to god nobody from my group sees this because honestly I care about them all, but it's the sharp contrast and lies that get to me. I'm angry with the firm I'm in. I feel like I'm just a dollar sign or something. And now that I finally like my therapist he's retiring, how's that for putting salt on the wound.
I am SICK and TIRED of this joke I live, it's a sadistic sick little joke, and I'm sick of it. My pillars are about to fall and soon there will be nothing left holding me up. I'm at the point where I JUST don't care anymore, I just don't care about anyone or anything. I want to just disappear.
Usually I try my best to help people on this site, and what I've ever said to help anyone here was genuine, but right now, this is genuine too. I've flipped and I've flopped, I'm beginning to think I'm insane. Maybe we're all insane. In fact what really is insanity? What is normal? I almost just want to accept that life fucking sucks it always will suck and I should just do whatever the fuck I want because nothing's ever going to change. I've lost all hope in society. And above all society fucked me, RIGHT up the ass. So this is to you society, FUCK. YOU.
Nothing I write is ever or will ever be enough. It will always be wrong, because when I look back I'll have a different mindset. I hate it. But for this present moment, this is who I am, this is how I feel. And for now, it will have to suffice. But what is the most frustrating is that there are and never will be any answers, there is no "Right" thing to do, we're all cast out in this world and it's a free for all, anything goes. Maybe in 1000 years we will have evolved past this, but right now I'm sick of even being human.
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein