Thank you-I'm struggling pretty bad right now and looking forward to getting this out to a T and working through the process..

I search for answers some say embrace it, others say fight it, others say experiment, others say it's an addiction logically I try to say it is what it but it's tough to accept that and understand it..

Hay Irish,
I know it is incredibaly difficult for you right now. You will get a lot of difrent opinions on what you should do with the compulsions. This is so confusing to male survivors. The struggle to make sense of it can be a huge burden at times.

For me I can say that I am glad that I did not choise to act out with another man.
This was not an easy choise at times because of the demands of my mind and hart.

Earlier you said something important.



Why the guilt?

For me it was a feeling of shame and self betrayal.

Why betrayal?

Because I didn't realy want what I desperately wanted.

In some ways I felt like I lost eather way. But the intence shame came from giving in.

What was I ashamed of?

I was longing to reconnect with my abuse and I was willing to sacrifice my self to put an end to the struggle.

All I ever did was feed a monster.

I found much help in wirting out my thinking and feelings. I eventually came to an understanding that this was not who I was or something I wanted. This was a sexual addiction caused by being sexually abused by a man when I was 14.

There is a big difrence between same gender attraction and a desperate desior for a specific type of sexual high and compulsion.

Many people from the "you have to try it to see if it's for you" crowd have no understanding of addiction.

Addiction robs us of freedom and choise. The more we give in the less we have.

It's not about relationship. AddictIon kills relationship. It is entirely selfish.

You deserve to be whole. Don't let this take over. It will only lie and destroy.

Love is difrent. It gives life.

Life and Freedom!

i agree with EVERYTHING SmartShadow said!

very well expressed!!

Lee

Logically it all makes sense to me-but the feelings make it hard so hard to match up with that logic...

I rember how hard it was like it was yesterday. I am sorry you are going through this torment. What are the feelings? Try to put words to the feelings you are experiencing. There is a real non sexual need under these desires, what is the underlying need?

I logically understand that the desire is to try to justify the pleasure of the abuse-it's just hard to shake.

I've spent my life thinking well if I was gay it'd make the pleasure fact okay (which I know is not true) or if I was a woman that would somehow make the pleasure fact okay.

I experimented with crossdressing a bit when I was married and oddly enough when I was dressed in some feminime fashion I never experienced the desires...like somehow in my mind dressing up completely quelched my subconscious...after my marriage ended I blocked that-got rid of all the clothes and never looked back. After opening up here and to a close friend I went and bought a few items and it's the only thing that's seemed to stop the compulsion....how messed up am I ugh

You are not messed up. In fact you are allowing yourself to be truthfully and honest. The amasing thing is that in your post you have reviled how amazing your mind is.



You have found a way to protect your self from the confusion and catastrophe.
This is a wonderful coping mechiniziams that has helped you not act out in a consequential way. Thank God for it.

The mind is amazing and will find a way to protect us.

I think that there is much meaning in this for you and as time alowes you will come to understand the meaning and significance. For now I think it is like armor to protect you.

Take care,

Mike

I've started to think that it is coping mechinism..not sure how wonderful tho..

Coping mechiniziams are what the mind comes up with to survive. When things don't make sene or are overwhelming our mind do a work around. I not an expert on this but that's my take.

This is the dilemma that can't be reconciled. If. If.
You have I think not identified as gay
So that leaves your with one alternative if only in a symbolic mechiniziams.
This is not a right or wrong this is a clue.
Why are you in the original dilemma?
The abuse

These mechiniziams saved me and I would venture to say hav saved many of us here.