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#425237 - 02/13/13 11:18 PM "Yeah, like I'm going to tell U THAT!" (paranoia!)
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 611
Loc: where the shadows lie
every time someone asks a question, either on this board or PM or chat, my first reaction is always that they are trying to find a weakness -- that they are trying to trick me into telling something that they will then use against me. My mother used to do that to me, and other people I've known have too. So now I just assume everyone is just fishing for ways to hold something over me, some way to expose me as weak ...

...It gets in the way of forming honest relationships with people . ..

...any thought? Anyone else feel this way? What do you do?
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#425242 - 02/14/13 01:29 AM Re: "Yeah, like I'm going to tell U THAT!" (paranoia!) [Re: Jacob S]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Yes , we learn this early on, others, mothers, the world says say be open, be honest, share your fealings. Then wam we get the betrayal. Our own words turned to take us down.

The guy who molested me used this to real me in. Extracted information from me to creat a false bond, then used this information and my desperate need to to be valued to systimaticly break me down until there was no way to say no. All I could do is disappear.

Yea trust is real difiacult for me. Yet I keep,trying for the sake of relationship. And I keep getting bit.

Edited to add;

I think this is part of being human. I have caused others pain in this way as well. A violation can happen so easy once we open up, because we are extra vulnerable in our abuse dynamic. We already walk on egg shells. It's like every thing is amplified exponentially to our internal pain. A little thing becomes big, a big thing becomes life threatening.

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#425250 - 02/14/13 05:06 AM Re: "Yeah, like I'm going to tell U THAT!" (paranoia!) [Re: SmartShadow]
sentry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 58
Loc: Canada
I have found TRUST to be a major challenge for me.I think if a survey was done at this site you would find most men would agree that finding someone you can really trust and feel safe around is pretty rare.I have learned how to discern when someone is just on a fishing trip just trying to gather information rather than really being interested out of pure motives.I learned this the hard way as I have had information I unwisely shared used against me to do harm of some kind.I think it ties in closely with our setting up reasonable boundries for ourselves.That can be difficult to as all my boundries were completely violated when I was young.As we recover and we learn more about who we really are aside from the lies and abuse. Our self respect slowing begns to develope and we are impowered to set boundries and say no to that which could be harmful.Letting down walls of protecion that were built around us by our perps and others who choose to use our vulnerablity to manipulate and use us for their own purposes is not easily done.It takes time and sometimes there are long periods when there just no one in our lives that we could trully trust. During these times we can work on learing how to trust oursselves.

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#425258 - 02/14/13 07:48 AM Re: "Yeah, like I'm going to tell U THAT!" (paranoia!) [Re: Jacob S]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1570
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Jacob S
So now I just assume everyone is just fishing for ways to hold something over me, some way to expose me as weak ...


You betcha. Trust in other people was destroyed along with my childhood. Now I have to force myself to try and trust others.....sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. I guess that what happens with normal people.

Jude
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#425262 - 02/14/13 08:16 AM Re: "Yeah, like I'm going to tell U THAT!" (paranoia!) [Re: Jacob S]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3614
Loc: South-East Europe
Very good and important question you raised here Jacob!
I'm not so unsure in others wile communicating trough chat, PMs, mails...
But in real life as I become closer to someone I've become more sensitive and more struggling with trust.
I would add that some ex girlfriends or family members were able to hugely impact me by simple glance or couple of words.
Now I've changed a little bit and my trust can easier be destroyed and I'm more active in finishing relationship with person who crossed the line.
I'm finding hard times sometimes expecting the worst to happen to me by others and as we are more close damage that I'm expecting to happen is greater frown

Not sure what is source of that expect "special" relationship whit my mother which could be described as love-hate while I was kid. She genuinely loved me when I was "good" and was terrible strict when I did something wrong. She has had the highest expectations from me and I guess she didn't know for better.

Don't know that to do to fight those uncertainties expect to keep sharing further and learning to becoming friend step by step. Gaining experience with others while keeping my boundaries at place that make me feel comfortable is my goal here...

Pero

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My story

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#425397 - 02/15/13 04:53 PM Re: "Yeah, like I'm going to tell U THAT!" (paranoia!) [Re: Jacob S]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
I think our issues with trust stem from some sense that we are basically wrong anyway, and that whatever we might say is thus some greater sign of our wrongness that could be used to hurt us more.

So I think we need to face the happy fact that we are fundamentally OK. That whatever we have in us is fundamentally OK, not fucked up or issue laden in any way that is different from any body else.

Then we need to face the fact that because everybody has issues, some people are going to needy in the way that makes them use other people. That just happens.

Once we realize the users are simply out there, using whoever they find, and that they're not targeting us because of some inherent wrongness or obvious sign of incompetence, we can then laugh at their ridiculous lack of basic human kindness.

When they do something bad, like take our words and use them against us, they're not betraying us. Instead they're revealing their own lack of maturity and basic decency.

Once we see that really clearly, that the attack is not personal, then we can raise our eyebrows in surprise at their foolish trashing of friendship and say, "OK. See ya later," and move on. There are many more decent people than unkind ones, and there's no sense wasting time on the crazy makers.

I think that one of our big problems is getting attached and not being able to let go. When we're all attached we get extra sensitive to small slights. That's pointless.

It's much better to just say, "I'm OK. And I'm OK by myself. In fact I love myself, and I know I'm a really decent guy. So I don't need to be attached to somebody. I just want good friends and people to love to also love me."

Best wishes,

Dany


Edited by DannyT (02/15/13 04:53 PM)

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#425515 - 02/17/13 12:05 AM Re: "Yeah, like I'm going to tell U THAT!" (paranoia!) [Re: Jacob S]
xxanxus Offline


Registered: 02/09/13
Posts: 23
Loc: Global
Paranoia, is one demon most of us have to face and like you I still have not figured out how to over come the trust issues.

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#425537 - 02/17/13 08:58 AM Re: "Yeah, like I'm going to tell U THAT!" (paranoia!) [Re: Jacob S]
LazyPirate Offline


Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
I struggle with trust. I have my wife & I have 2 male friends... That's it. I trust no one else (in the real world). My 2 friends don't even know about my CSA. I don't have a T at the moment. I utter nothing to no one.

On this board is a different story. While I have not made any solid friendships on here yet, I feel much more open to all of you.
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The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson

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#425559 - 02/17/13 11:10 AM Re: "Yeah, like I'm going to tell U THAT!" (paranoia!) [Re: Jacob S]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
I agree Danny. I was attached to someone in very unhealthy ways. I idealized her, and because I allowed her to see some of the stuff I have kept inside I became very unstable. It was the worst feeling of clingy and obsessive.

In the way you described, I became attached. And it was ugly. I couldn't understand why I was feeling so insecure, so exposed and vulnerable. But in hindsight it was the first time I was that transparent with someone. And this someone supported me in ways that I had never known. She validated my feelings.
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I am the warrior.

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