you are not pathetic nyjah, not by any stretch. what has happened to you left real scars and that is not easily dealt with. but it CAN BE dealt with and healing can come. one of the things in time you will probably nee to try is to expose yourself to what frightens you. this is always best done in conjunction with T for support. but it really comes to a matter of re educating the brain about these things. you can begin to see where the real danger signals are how to deal with them in healthy ways. it is not a hopeless cause man, not at all. while i still have issues in this area it is so much better and I am speaking from experience.
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"