I know it is incredibaly difficult for you right now. You will get a lot of difrent opinions on what you should do with the compulsions. This is so confusing to male survivors. The struggle to make sense of it can be a huge burden at times.
For me I can say that I am glad that I did not choise to act out with another man.
This was not an easy choise at times because of the demands of my mind and hart.
Earlier you said something important.
I wonder if I found men attractive in the same manner I do women if I'd feel the guilt I do..the compulsion is pretty exclusively about actual acts.
Why the guilt?
For me it was a feeling of shame and self betrayal.
Because I didn't realy want what I desperately wanted.
In some ways I felt like I lost eather way. But the intence shame came from giving in.
What was I ashamed of?
I was longing to reconnect with my abuse and I was willing to sacrifice my self to put an end to the struggle.
All I ever did was feed a monster.
I found much help in wirting out my thinking and feelings. I eventually came to an understanding that this was not who I was or something I wanted. This was a sexual addiction caused by being sexually abused by a man when I was 14.
There is a big difrence between same gender attraction and a desperate desior for a specific type of sexual high and compulsion.
Many people from the "you have to try it to see if it's for you" crowd have no understanding of addiction.
Addiction robs us of freedom and choise. The more we give in the less we have.
It's not about relationship. AddictIon kills relationship. It is entirely selfish.
You deserve to be whole. Don't let this take over. It will only lie and destroy.
Love is difrent. It gives life.
Life and Freedom!