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#42514 - 06/19/03 01:08 AM Happy, but Unsettled
sonlite Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
WOW!

It has been a while since I have been here. But much has happened w/in the last few weeks. I met a woman at a social function and we began to email. She was out of town so we could not go out, but instead we emailed, sometimes 4x/day. She made it clear that in addition to my intellect and character that she was very attracted to me physically (sexually). I made it clear to her that I had been "pounced on" by several women in the past and had "locked up", I told her about my abuse history. She shared that she was a survivor also.

She stopped by my apartment last night on the way home from her vacation. I had planned to cook her dinner. We never made it to dinner. In fact she didn't leave until 11 am this morning.

WOW! OH MY GOODNESS! This woman breezed into my door w a very warm and pretty smile and a 5'8" tall, delicious body. WOW! I was able to have the most amazing sexual experience of my whole life! And she and I both commented many times in our emails leading up to our meeting that we did not want just a sexual relationship, but wanted a real partnership. I felt so alive and blessed and happy, and thrilled and amazed. I have had more experience w the male organ than a woman's body and OH MY GOODNESS - talk about multi-orgasmic! This woman was just amazing!!! It made me feel so special and pleased w myself to be able to help this woman who I care for deeply to get to such a level of pleasure.

But even aside from the sexual contact. We snuggled naked and talked and talked for hours and hours. We only got two hours sleep. We talked about our fears. We talked about past relationship stories. We talked about reassuring each other. We held each other naked and just breathed and bonded. WOW!

I am SOOO happy ... but unsettled. I trust that she is not just using me for sex. I trust that she is truthful and wants a real girlfriend:boyfriend relationship. I trust that she means it when she says "I Love You". I am unsettled bc this woman is so outside what I believe about God. She is very "New Age-ie" and she can cuss like a sailor sometimes. And don't even get me started on the whole guilt for having enjoyed, and enjoyed, and enjoyed, having hours of BEAUTIFUL sex w her, before marriage. But I feel safe w her. I feel happy w her. She and I have both said that we understand that each one of is responsible for our own happiness and not to rely on the other to make one happy.

This woman represents almost everything I have ever wanted in a woman. Intelligent, Joyful, Tall, Pretty, Athletic, Sexually Alive, Caring, Wise from past history, and very Honest and Accepting. She has a 7y son from a previous marriage and that is fine w me bc I would love to be a stepfather someday. Oh and I am not going to walk away from this woman, but I feel unsettled and a little bit disconnected and ashamed.

Is this normal?


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#42515 - 06/19/03 02:53 AM Re: Happy, but Unsettled
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Thanks for sharing the ecstasy, John.

I'm happy for you too. And she is a very lucky lady also.

Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!

Is it normal? For me, worrying and feeling unsettled is a way to keep myself from being disapppointed at some possible future hurt.

Sort of like a preemptive strike--I'll go ahead and spoil my happiness, before those bastards can do it again. Makes perfect sense given my past experience.

But it doesn't have to control my life.
The violation of trust inherent in SA causes me to doubt my worthiness of being happy. LIke I've had some beauty and joy in my life, now where's the catch???

And the catch is the worry and unsettled anxiety that keeps me away from my fear and doubt.

I noticed your great affirmations at the end of your post.

Why not try to come up with some about this?

How would you soothe the anxiety of your step-son?

What would you say to him?

Give that love and support to yourself. The voice of doubt and fear is there for a reason.

Answer them back and let them know that you understand, and you're there to reassure and comfort.

Reassure yourself that you deserve this joy--then allow yourself to revel in it.

I have a "date" this Saturday--for the first time in two years--and I'm already so squirelly I can't find my butt with both hands.

I got really upset and cried this PM--I haven't cried in .....two years! Letting the grief and sadness about the past and fear of the future take their natural course allows them to go their way and leave us to enjoy your extremely delightful present.

Way to go, bro'! You've inspired me!

Your wolf pack brother,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#42516 - 06/19/03 04:37 AM Re: Happy, but Unsettled
andrew-almost52 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
Hi John, enjoy your good fortune and stop doubting yourself. It sounds like you've found a keeper. Don't over analyze it tho. Just enjoy.
Peace, Andrew


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