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#425078 - 02/12/13 04:35 PM Holding onto guilt/anger/feelings for too long
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I am in a new recovery phase where I am moving forward and needing to put some of the past to rest. I am accepting I can't change it. I can only change my attitudes about it. I am moving from the boy point of view to the adult point of view. I guess from survivor to thriver. I think there is a middle ground, too, and parts of me are in the midst of the change.

I've always felt guilt about my molestation by an adult, male stranger. I always felt like I was looking for it, that I made a choice to participate in it, that I was fully culpable. I write that because that attitude has made me feel that underneath everything, I want forgiveness from my father for allowing a man to fondle me with his hands and orally. I feel that I did something wrong.

I am understanding that once it happened and I was afraid my father would be disgusted by me/rage at me/dismiss me as worthless, I knew I couldn't tell him and I decided to handle it all on my own. I guess I had already been handling everything all on my own already (by a very young age). I decided somewhere around the same time that I would reject everything that he stood for and I belittled him in my mind and in word. I treated him as being worthless and thought of him as such.

Now, 30 to 40 years later, I see that my decision to handle it all on my own, to dismiss my father's worth are no longer ways that I want to live. Is that humility? Is that acceptance? I believe I will never be able to talk to my father about my abuse and why it happened or that I wanted his forgiveness because I think it also brings up how responsible he is for it and based on our past, he will allow me to carry the blame for it if I even suggest it. He would never say to me, like I think he should, that it was his fault, he is to blame, that I was a lost boy who needed him and he wasn't capable of being there. The reason I believe this is that he has never taken any responsibility for anything. He seems incapable of it. So it seems like a conversation that I want but will never happen. What does a person do with this need that will probably go unfulfilled?

I want to see him as the extremely damaged man that he is and not be stuck in the past. I want to admit my "mistakes" such as the complete rejection of him and anything he stood for. That may have hurt me more than him. I rejected many things that my father and other men stood for. I rejected all men as ultimately betrayers and less than me while simultaneously wanting acceptance and complete worship (this word is not completely accurate). I acted out a lot of stuff sexually with men that I had no idea I was doing. This sex abuse, for me, created a sick, twisted outlet to try to meet unmet needs and to avoid real intimacy.

I know this post is a mess but I can't continue to remain trapped by my childhood, by my abuse, by my old ideas and by my old decisions. I must look at the world with new eyes and I can't if I keep living in the past.


Edited by EdfromNYC (02/12/13 04:36 PM)
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#425107 - 02/12/13 06:49 PM Re: Holding onto guilt/anger/feelings for too long [Re: EdfromNYC]
Still Around Offline


Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Pennsylvania
I can't say I have anything particularly insightful to add tonight (this is bad week for me with V-Day coming up, and with it feelings of sadness, isolation, and alienation) but I can say I'm right there with you. I wish I could just let go of feeling like a victim, like whatever I do doesn't matter. That I let myself be angry at my abuser instead of myself, to allow myself to feel and be vulnerable, to put myself out there and try again, even if I do get hurt or betrayed again. Because at least I will have tried.

But now I just don't know how to move on. The pain is still so intense, or maybe I've just grown comfortable with it. It's hard to tell sometimes.

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#425130 - 02/13/13 12:05 AM Re: Holding onto guilt/anger/feelings for too long [Re: EdfromNYC]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 185
Loc: Puget Sound
Ed I read your post a lot of what you wrote resonates with me:

Originally Posted By: EdfromNYC
I want forgiveness from my father for allowing a man to fondle me with his hands and orally.


Ed what did you do that was wrong? Please tell me? I donít think you would let anyone do that to you, how can you ask for forgiveness when you havenít done anything wrong, the only one here whoís wrong is the man who abused you, or am I missing something, please explain.

Originally Posted By: EdfromNYC
I decided somewhere around the same time that I would reject everything that he stood for and I belittled him in my mind and in word. I treated him as being worthless and thought of him as such.


Maybe you thought of him as ineffectual, less of a man because he could not help you either with the attack or deal with it afterward, unlike you he was a man, your dad; maybe in your mind you blamed him?

Originally Posted By: EdfromNYC
I want to see him as the extremely damaged man that he is and not be stuck in the past. I want to admit my "mistakes" such as the complete rejection of him and anything he stood for. That may have hurt me more than him.


If your dad was anything like mine he might not have noticed.

Originally Posted By: EdfromNYC
I rejected many things that my father and other men stood for.


I even rejected myself, just because my dad loved me just a bit, itís real easy to do when you think of yourself as such shit, right?


Ed all I can add is that I lived my life beholden to the lie of hating my father for everything, I think you internalize the dehumanization from the abuse, and you put people into 2 categories, people and anyone else, somehow just like me you put your dad in that inhuman file and close the door, I donít know about you but in doing that to your dad no matter how horrible of a person he is is to demean yourself. Itís one of the hardest things Iím dealing with right now the fact that everyone of us was abused by a person, not a thing not a monster, but a person, just like you, just like me, how can you and you abuser both be people? See I think you canít separate out an abuser as separate from us, they are us, if they arenít people then we arenít either, itís pretty simple.

Ed my father is no longer with us; in his own pathetic way he apologized to me for everything last time I saw him, i wasnít able to accept it, but I could now. The silence between a father and son over abuse just makes me sick, itís so sad, 2 men, so beholden to their maleness that zero communication can happen.

Women wonder why they are forbidden to post here, 2 women and being silent; something about missing tongues or something right?

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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