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#425058 - 02/12/13 01:13 PM Victim Rant
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
What is the/a "Victim's Mentality (VM)?"

I hear it too often for my comfort, so i figure I had better get a real, working identification of the term.

I detect its a "give-up" attitude in the eyes of others....dunno.
People give me little slaps for not doing anything with getting my life back on track, but the key word is "BACK."

I don't think I ever had this thing called the VM, at least not until recently maybe? I overcame lengthily, severe and demoralizing sexual abuse for 7 years....I overcame 10 years of psychological and physical home violence to eventually become well-educated, well-traveled and fairly wealthy. I went on to handle a marriage (though very poorly apparently), and raise a family (still in process).

Is THAT what makes me a "victim?"

I never had debt. I always was prepared for anything (survivor paranoia for sure) and nothing ever victimized me again after I left home. I overcame or destroyed all adversarial situations and thrived in the process. Does a Victim thrive? CAN a victim thrive? Dunno!

Now, much of my thriving was dependent upon LOTS of self medication....about $100,000 in powder and probably another $50,000 in drink. But no one ever noticed...least not one person who "knew me when." So it that a VM? I never played the "bum druggie." If I had, they never would have given me the jobs and clients I had.

So i got blind-sided by a sneak-attack of PTSD when the drugs and drink were put to bed forever (by my will alone)....when I disclosed to take this thing on and bring due exposure and resolution to the psychotic crimes laid upon the child. The PTSD got so bad that i was hospitalized twice. I did not leave work until work decided it was time to cut the loony loose. But I was prepared. I had no debt, i had two homes, plenty of money and a great family of my own. VM?

I got sneak-attacked again with a viciously plotted divorce that went nuclear at the very first shot, and leveraged my healing efforts and childhood against me. I lost my children, my wife, and everything else in the blink of an eye...but i fought the case considered "unwinable" by many top lawyers. I had the $120K to cover the lawyer, the court ordered Psychologist and the Guardian Ad Litem. I endured homelessness and zero income because I was prepared by a life of proper planning. I don't see a VM in that.

So the PTSD, DID and BiPolar-Bears were all attacking while I went through one of the worst child custody fights many lawyers had ever seen....with a judge who adhered to the myths and lived by them on the bench. OK....so I see "victimization" there. So how was I supposed to react or not react? Is a mugging-victim not a victim?

Two years of hideous and degrading treatment of and by the courts and opposing lawyers put my "recovery" in the swamp. It won. That is, the adversaries and their attacks won. I was defeated...knocked-down...devastated. Am I allowed that? If I'm allowed that, for how long am I allowed that? I ask, because the defeat in battle, bloody battle, has left me a mear semi-shadow of who I was or what I was.

I'm having a hard time recovering from all that. I don't drink or drug....I don't act-out sexually or cutting as I did as a child. I'm just trying to breathe and keep my head from spinning off my scared shoulders. Have I been sitting in this mud-puddle for too long? Is THAT the VM?

I went to my MD today for my anual physical. He was very impatient and seemed to not even want to give me the 14.2 minutes that Medicare pays for. In the past he has commented "oh...yer Still dealing with that stuff??"

Today he treated me like I was a death-row inmate who killed HIS family. We have an 18-yr relationship (including birthin my babies) when he use to have some respect for me and would carry on a real conversation with me. But those "conversations" have become more and more infantile and clearly condescending.

HE did not SAY "victim's mentality," but he acts consistent with everyone who has: My wife, my sister, my father, friends and acquaintances, people from church who use to treat me like a real human, the wife's lawyer... court psychologist hinted that though he's no danger and yada yada...he "seems to be taking a long time to fix his shit."

I hear the VM and "poor character" diagnoses so often that I'm exasperated. I feel like yelling at people "for FUK SAKE! I earned 5 times in 20 years what you have earned through your whole fkg football-watching, don't give a shit about anyone else life. I hold an advanced fkg degree from a Big fkg East school, I do public policy work where others won't even look cuz its too fkg ugly. I take bullets for society cuz that's what it takes to put perps in jail or keep them away from children when society is too pussy to do what's right! I've given more cars to un-wed single mothers than you can fkg count!"

I'm not shuffling around town in my cut-offs and sandals looking for a fix or another bottle, pissing my pants and sleeping in dumpsters.

So is the VM assigned because I'm taking too long? I tell doctors that I can make it MUCH fuking shorter and make my kids wealthy again all at the same time. To that, they say nothing.

I'm sorry. I don't know how to do this!!!

Is the VM label to make THEM feel good...to put the right paint on the beast? Or is the VM assignment to further shame me?

There are severe and significant emotional. traumatic reasons I won't go and can't shuffle-off to back to the corporate world and suck corporate dick.

If what THEY think is Defeated = VM, then yes....I am a victim. Now what? Will you stop rolling your eyes now Doc, Sis, Dad, Psych, Bro in Christ, Pastor...?
_________________________
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#425063 - 02/12/13 02:11 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 856
Loc: Kc,Mo
my take on Victim mentality is
always finding blame instead of taking responsibility for what is in your scope to change

I used to have a victim mentality
it was ALWAYS because of X Y & Z that kept me form this or that
it was ALWAYS someone else s fault that I was stuck where ever i was stuck in at the particular time

AND the worst SELF PITY

I have not time for self pity any longer in my life , there simply is not a place for it .

Sure it tries to rear its head but I shut it down

I am talking a bout indulging in it swimming in it basking in all of its non quenching glory

The victim mentality will have you swimming in self pity with no
end in sight no land of reality to swim to just endless swimming in the realm of self pity


Not saying you can not vent because if you do not vent you will EXPLODE
vent on my brother vent on
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#425065 - 02/12/13 02:43 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
@nltsaves:

Serious question here: Is it possible for "self pitty" to exist in the same person who is jammed-up with "self loathing?"

Cuz:

Quote:
it was ALWAYS someone else's fault that I was stuck where ever i was stuck in at the particular time


If you blame you're own, seemingly culpable self (in your own mind "culpable"), there does not seem to be room for feeling badly FOR yourself.

Not asking in argumentation etc., just wondering out-loud.


Edited by Still (02/12/13 02:45 PM)
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#425071 - 02/12/13 03:40 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hay still,

That's what I took away from you first post. That you are very angry. At the world, your self. All of it. I don't think that's vm, I think you are realy angry. Have you ever grieved the loss? I mean it sound like you drove your self to "over come"
And that has brought you wealth. But what have you lost in the process?

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#425092 - 02/12/13 05:41 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Obi Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1400
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (05/05/13 11:24 AM)
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#425103 - 02/12/13 06:20 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Hey Still --

Man, you're in a state, huh? No way can I blame you and I'm glad you posted...all of it. Have somewhat been there. I lost everything just over ten years ago and have had to scrap my way back to a life I can tolerate...not the life that was. But that's the last comparison I'll make between you and me.

SmartShadow brings up a point. The wealth brings us comfort, convenience, "power" and a re$pect of a type. The tough part for me has been readjusting and finding people who will respect me without the dollar signs attached to it. I've found those people better for my soul. It's a tougher, humbling, more frustrating path, but has been infinitely more rewarding. In many ways, too, my life is simpler and calmer.

Okay, Still, you're scrapping your way back...and, well, it's gonna hurt a while...perhaps longer with those things from your past you're still grieving and I can't blame you for hanging on to them for a sense of security. I still hurt and am resentful on a lot of fronts. But let's skip the VM labels for now. They're useless. You have financial abilities of which, frankly, I'm envious. No one can take that considerable skill away from you. Now is the time, imo, for you to surround yourself with people who accept you, warts and all. The doc, for example, doesn't seem to be one of those. Perhaps he is and you may be misreading him. Nevertheless, find one who is responsive to where you are now. And though it's a PITA, do that with others as you're able.

What I found was a shockingly smaller core of people, new and old, who were supportive of me...and my soul.

What concerns me is that your self-worth, as you describe it, seems to always have dollar signs attached to it. Again, given your history, completely understandable. You weren't going to let ANYONE hurt you ever, ever again. Anyone who tried would be destroyed. Have I got it? You'd be a force with which to be reckoned. You had to find something to counteract the CSA's effects and it worked...to a point.

Sorry to say, Still, you're just a human being like the rest of us.

If I was your sponsor, I'd insist you ditch all the trappings that could even subtly identify your social status - clothes, keychain with the imported car key fob, expensive running shoes...even the car (buy a clunker second car if you have to)...hell, wear your garage or yard clothes, find a coat at a thrift store - and hit meetings for at least month in the most poverty-striken areas of town and discover what's really important. If anonymity is a problem, find meetings in a nearby town. For at least a few meetings, keep your mouth shut and just listen. And, yeah, volunteer for coffee duty.

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#425105 - 02/12/13 06:41 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Lancer]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: Lancer
If I was your sponsor, I'd insist you ditch all the trappings that could even subtly identify your social status - clothes, keychain with the imported car key fob, expensive running shoes...even the car (buy a clunker second car if you have to)...hell, wear your garage or yard clothes -


Thank you Lancer and everyone. I guess what I did not make clear in the rant, is that I'm beyond flat-broke now that the divorce is over, job is gone and all I have is SSDI and Medicare. My rent for a very drafty old schoolhouse is now beyond my means...blah blah blah. IOW...I be way broke and not likely to be able to pull off another job. SS called me "permanently dissed" with all the hospitalizations and attempts to punch-out early. I don't even know how that works in the long run.

I'll not likely ever return to the corporate anything. I fall apart just sending in resumes (which i do whenever i get the rage going from other's judgements).

I'm realizing that the flashbacks and anxiety are not properly addressed by my current MD and Psychiatrist. I think my T has been hinting about that for a while now.

There is a day program that is the exact same as one of the lock-in wards i attended before. Only dif is I get to sleep at home.

I guess the Doc triggered my little Rage Monster.

Insert tacky joke about one part of the physical exam and not buying me lunch.
_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#425106 - 02/12/13 06:43 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Obi]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: Obi
if you're not over it then, in their minds, you're just playing the victim mentality card....

i got hit with that many times myself... had a person, who is ignorant to sexual abuse and what it can do, tell me to get over it because what happened to me was a long time ago and that since i haven't gotten over it that i'm nothing but a drama queen....


Dead-bang accurate!
_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#425112 - 02/12/13 07:56 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
My apologies Still. I didn't understand the current situation. I did not mean to be insensitive to that.

The only clear thing is that you're still grieving some considerable very real, recent losses in addition to your childhood losses.

Sounds like, as best you can even if it's not good enough, you're living life on life's terms. And, my brother, I'm glad you've chosen to vent here.

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#425117 - 02/12/13 09:38 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3516
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Still -

there is no shame in having been the victim of mistreatment (massive understatement!) - as you have been on so many levels at so many times. that is a legitimate description of what was done to you. you have owned that.

the problem is that the clueless ones want to make it YOUR fault that you haven't gotten over it. as though all that is required is a mental decision or act of the will. they seem to think that the daily and hourly and moment-by-moment reminders of what was done to you can be brushed aside with a once and for all resolution to not let it get you down. and you are supposed to put on a smiley face and act like everything is in the past and that the present is all A-OK. when the fact is that it's not just a "poor-me" pity party - but reality that bites and won't let go.

they don't get it - they can't understand what we have been through. they never will - unless something comparable happens to them. i think part of their refusal to empathize is a fear of feeling the pain that is so obviously part our your experience. it is easier and less threatening to push it all back on you.

yeah - you deserve to feel what you are feeling.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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