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#425058 - 02/12/13 01:13 PM Victim Rant
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
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What is the/a "Victim's Mentality (VM)?"

I hear it too often for my comfort, so i figure I had better get a real, working identification of the term.

I detect its a "give-up" attitude in the eyes of others....dunno.
People give me little slaps for not doing anything with getting my life back on track, but the key word is "BACK."

I don't think I ever had this thing called the VM, at least not until recently maybe? I overcame lengthily, severe and demoralizing sexual abuse for 7 years....I overcame 10 years of psychological and physical home violence to eventually become well-educated, well-traveled and fairly wealthy. I went on to handle a marriage (though very poorly apparently), and raise a family (still in process).

Is THAT what makes me a "victim?"

I never had debt. I always was prepared for anything (survivor paranoia for sure) and nothing ever victimized me again after I left home. I overcame or destroyed all adversarial situations and thrived in the process. Does a Victim thrive? CAN a victim thrive? Dunno!

Now, much of my thriving was dependent upon LOTS of self medication....about $100,000 in powder and probably another $50,000 in drink. But no one ever noticed...least not one person who "knew me when." So it that a VM? I never played the "bum druggie." If I had, they never would have given me the jobs and clients I had.

So i got blind-sided by a sneak-attack of PTSD when the drugs and drink were put to bed forever (by my will alone)....when I disclosed to take this thing on and bring due exposure and resolution to the psychotic crimes laid upon the child. The PTSD got so bad that i was hospitalized twice. I did not leave work until work decided it was time to cut the loony loose. But I was prepared. I had no debt, i had two homes, plenty of money and a great family of my own. VM?

I got sneak-attacked again with a viciously plotted divorce that went nuclear at the very first shot, and leveraged my healing efforts and childhood against me. I lost my children, my wife, and everything else in the blink of an eye...but i fought the case considered "unwinable" by many top lawyers. I had the $120K to cover the lawyer, the court ordered Psychologist and the Guardian Ad Litem. I endured homelessness and zero income because I was prepared by a life of proper planning. I don't see a VM in that.

So the PTSD, DID and BiPolar-Bears were all attacking while I went through one of the worst child custody fights many lawyers had ever seen....with a judge who adhered to the myths and lived by them on the bench. OK....so I see "victimization" there. So how was I supposed to react or not react? Is a mugging-victim not a victim?

Two years of hideous and degrading treatment of and by the courts and opposing lawyers put my "recovery" in the swamp. It won. That is, the adversaries and their attacks won. I was defeated...knocked-down...devastated. Am I allowed that? If I'm allowed that, for how long am I allowed that? I ask, because the defeat in battle, bloody battle, has left me a mear semi-shadow of who I was or what I was.

I'm having a hard time recovering from all that. I don't drink or drug....I don't act-out sexually or cutting as I did as a child. I'm just trying to breathe and keep my head from spinning off my scared shoulders. Have I been sitting in this mud-puddle for too long? Is THAT the VM?

I went to my MD today for my anual physical. He was very impatient and seemed to not even want to give me the 14.2 minutes that Medicare pays for. In the past he has commented "oh...yer Still dealing with that stuff??"

Today he treated me like I was a death-row inmate who killed HIS family. We have an 18-yr relationship (including birthin my babies) when he use to have some respect for me and would carry on a real conversation with me. But those "conversations" have become more and more infantile and clearly condescending.

HE did not SAY "victim's mentality," but he acts consistent with everyone who has: My wife, my sister, my father, friends and acquaintances, people from church who use to treat me like a real human, the wife's lawyer... court psychologist hinted that though he's no danger and yada yada...he "seems to be taking a long time to fix his shit."

I hear the VM and "poor character" diagnoses so often that I'm exasperated. I feel like yelling at people "for FUK SAKE! I earned 5 times in 20 years what you have earned through your whole fkg football-watching, don't give a shit about anyone else life. I hold an advanced fkg degree from a Big fkg East school, I do public policy work where others won't even look cuz its too fkg ugly. I take bullets for society cuz that's what it takes to put perps in jail or keep them away from children when society is too pussy to do what's right! I've given more cars to un-wed single mothers than you can fkg count!"

I'm not shuffling around town in my cut-offs and sandals looking for a fix or another bottle, pissing my pants and sleeping in dumpsters.

So is the VM assigned because I'm taking too long? I tell doctors that I can make it MUCH fuking shorter and make my kids wealthy again all at the same time. To that, they say nothing.

I'm sorry. I don't know how to do this!!!

Is the VM label to make THEM feel good...to put the right paint on the beast? Or is the VM assignment to further shame me?

There are severe and significant emotional. traumatic reasons I won't go and can't shuffle-off to back to the corporate world and suck corporate dick.

If what THEY think is Defeated = VM, then yes....I am a victim. Now what? Will you stop rolling your eyes now Doc, Sis, Dad, Psych, Bro in Christ, Pastor...?
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#425063 - 02/12/13 02:11 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 849
Loc: Kc,Mo
my take on Victim mentality is
always finding blame instead of taking responsibility for what is in your scope to change

I used to have a victim mentality
it was ALWAYS because of X Y & Z that kept me form this or that
it was ALWAYS someone else s fault that I was stuck where ever i was stuck in at the particular time

AND the worst SELF PITY

I have not time for self pity any longer in my life , there simply is not a place for it .

Sure it tries to rear its head but I shut it down

I am talking a bout indulging in it swimming in it basking in all of its non quenching glory

The victim mentality will have you swimming in self pity with no
end in sight no land of reality to swim to just endless swimming in the realm of self pity


Not saying you can not vent because if you do not vent you will EXPLODE
vent on my brother vent on
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#425065 - 02/12/13 02:43 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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@nltsaves:

Serious question here: Is it possible for "self pitty" to exist in the same person who is jammed-up with "self loathing?"

Cuz:

Quote:
it was ALWAYS someone else's fault that I was stuck where ever i was stuck in at the particular time


If you blame you're own, seemingly culpable self (in your own mind "culpable"), there does not seem to be room for feeling badly FOR yourself.

Not asking in argumentation etc., just wondering out-loud.


Edited by Still (02/12/13 02:45 PM)
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#425071 - 02/12/13 03:40 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hay still,

That's what I took away from you first post. That you are very angry. At the world, your self. All of it. I don't think that's vm, I think you are realy angry. Have you ever grieved the loss? I mean it sound like you drove your self to "over come"
And that has brought you wealth. But what have you lost in the process?

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#425092 - 02/12/13 05:41 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Obi Offline
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Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (05/05/13 11:24 AM)
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#425103 - 02/12/13 06:20 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Lancer Offline
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Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Hey Still --

Man, you're in a state, huh? No way can I blame you and I'm glad you posted...all of it. Have somewhat been there. I lost everything just over ten years ago and have had to scrap my way back to a life I can tolerate...not the life that was. But that's the last comparison I'll make between you and me.

SmartShadow brings up a point. The wealth brings us comfort, convenience, "power" and a re$pect of a type. The tough part for me has been readjusting and finding people who will respect me without the dollar signs attached to it. I've found those people better for my soul. It's a tougher, humbling, more frustrating path, but has been infinitely more rewarding. In many ways, too, my life is simpler and calmer.

Okay, Still, you're scrapping your way back...and, well, it's gonna hurt a while...perhaps longer with those things from your past you're still grieving and I can't blame you for hanging on to them for a sense of security. I still hurt and am resentful on a lot of fronts. But let's skip the VM labels for now. They're useless. You have financial abilities of which, frankly, I'm envious. No one can take that considerable skill away from you. Now is the time, imo, for you to surround yourself with people who accept you, warts and all. The doc, for example, doesn't seem to be one of those. Perhaps he is and you may be misreading him. Nevertheless, find one who is responsive to where you are now. And though it's a PITA, do that with others as you're able.

What I found was a shockingly smaller core of people, new and old, who were supportive of me...and my soul.

What concerns me is that your self-worth, as you describe it, seems to always have dollar signs attached to it. Again, given your history, completely understandable. You weren't going to let ANYONE hurt you ever, ever again. Anyone who tried would be destroyed. Have I got it? You'd be a force with which to be reckoned. You had to find something to counteract the CSA's effects and it worked...to a point.

Sorry to say, Still, you're just a human being like the rest of us.

If I was your sponsor, I'd insist you ditch all the trappings that could even subtly identify your social status - clothes, keychain with the imported car key fob, expensive running shoes...even the car (buy a clunker second car if you have to)...hell, wear your garage or yard clothes, find a coat at a thrift store - and hit meetings for at least month in the most poverty-striken areas of town and discover what's really important. If anonymity is a problem, find meetings in a nearby town. For at least a few meetings, keep your mouth shut and just listen. And, yeah, volunteer for coffee duty.

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#425105 - 02/12/13 06:41 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Lancer]
Still Offline
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Originally Posted By: Lancer
If I was your sponsor, I'd insist you ditch all the trappings that could even subtly identify your social status - clothes, keychain with the imported car key fob, expensive running shoes...even the car (buy a clunker second car if you have to)...hell, wear your garage or yard clothes -


Thank you Lancer and everyone. I guess what I did not make clear in the rant, is that I'm beyond flat-broke now that the divorce is over, job is gone and all I have is SSDI and Medicare. My rent for a very drafty old schoolhouse is now beyond my means...blah blah blah. IOW...I be way broke and not likely to be able to pull off another job. SS called me "permanently dissed" with all the hospitalizations and attempts to punch-out early. I don't even know how that works in the long run.

I'll not likely ever return to the corporate anything. I fall apart just sending in resumes (which i do whenever i get the rage going from other's judgements).

I'm realizing that the flashbacks and anxiety are not properly addressed by my current MD and Psychiatrist. I think my T has been hinting about that for a while now.

There is a day program that is the exact same as one of the lock-in wards i attended before. Only dif is I get to sleep at home.

I guess the Doc triggered my little Rage Monster.

Insert tacky joke about one part of the physical exam and not buying me lunch.
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#425106 - 02/12/13 06:43 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Obi]
Still Offline
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Originally Posted By: Obi
if you're not over it then, in their minds, you're just playing the victim mentality card....

i got hit with that many times myself... had a person, who is ignorant to sexual abuse and what it can do, tell me to get over it because what happened to me was a long time ago and that since i haven't gotten over it that i'm nothing but a drama queen....


Dead-bang accurate!
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#425112 - 02/12/13 07:56 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Lancer Offline
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My apologies Still. I didn't understand the current situation. I did not mean to be insensitive to that.

The only clear thing is that you're still grieving some considerable very real, recent losses in addition to your childhood losses.

Sounds like, as best you can even if it's not good enough, you're living life on life's terms. And, my brother, I'm glad you've chosen to vent here.

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#425117 - 02/12/13 09:38 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
traveler Offline
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Registered: 02/07/06
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Loc: somewhere in Africa
Still -

there is no shame in having been the victim of mistreatment (massive understatement!) - as you have been on so many levels at so many times. that is a legitimate description of what was done to you. you have owned that.

the problem is that the clueless ones want to make it YOUR fault that you haven't gotten over it. as though all that is required is a mental decision or act of the will. they seem to think that the daily and hourly and moment-by-moment reminders of what was done to you can be brushed aside with a once and for all resolution to not let it get you down. and you are supposed to put on a smiley face and act like everything is in the past and that the present is all A-OK. when the fact is that it's not just a "poor-me" pity party - but reality that bites and won't let go.

they don't get it - they can't understand what we have been through. they never will - unless something comparable happens to them. i think part of their refusal to empathize is a fear of feeling the pain that is so obviously part our your experience. it is easier and less threatening to push it all back on you.

yeah - you deserve to feel what you are feeling.
Lee
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#425132 - 02/13/13 01:54 AM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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too bitchy on my part....edited out to space.


Edited by Still (02/13/13 05:54 AM)
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#425135 - 02/13/13 02:35 AM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Lancer]
Still Offline
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. was too bitchy . WAY sorry


Edited by Still (02/13/13 05:53 AM)
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#425163 - 02/13/13 08:57 AM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hay Still,
thanks for clarifying your situation. It make a lot more sence now. I supose I have to fight for the right to be broken and damaged. It is the way that it is. Some thing just can't be comprehended with out a reference. It's like this site, you eather belong or you don't. If you belong it's because your world has been shattered.
Who goes around telling people brutally disfigured and maimed in an accident to get over it. Not helpful. We look to normal for our own good.

Sorry for the negativity, I guess I got in touch with my iner victim state. Now I have anger, odd.

I got angry when I typed sorry, maybe I am tired of apologizing and pretending so other people can feel that they're right. So they don't get pulled down by my incompetents.

OK, so I am at a place where I am unable to work with any real success. I feel like I will get it all back and move forward. And then like clock work the bottom falls out again. Reminders are every were that I can't ...... Is this what they mean by VM? Ok fine I am a victim. A lot was taken from me, I was and still am the loser in the equation. I want to resign the position. I want to be happy and prosperous, but that not working out to well for me right now. Maybe next month.

We keep doing the work and moving forward.
May it pay off soon!


Edited by SmartShadow (02/13/13 03:38 PM)

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#425170 - 02/13/13 11:45 AM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hay Still,
I am realy sory you have had so much pain,
And the divorce, man I am so sorry sounds like you lost every thing.
I watched my parents go through a supper nasty version. It destroyed every thing.
Seams like my dad was adle to move on eventually.

More later

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#425171 - 02/13/13 12:29 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: SmartShadow]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6509
Loc: Terminus
Originally Posted By: SmartShadow
the right to be broken and damaged.


By George! I think we've got it. THAT is the articulation I (and likely others) have been trying to come up with.

FK DUDE!!!!! That's IT exactly!!!!!!!

the right to be broken and damaged.

The X Ammendment to The Survivor's Constitution:

The right of the abused to be broken and damaged shall not be infringed nor shall it be used or perverted against him in life. We recognize that there is actual and lasting damage of varying degrees, unique to each survivor, important and significant to each survivor. That broad characterizations such as Victim Mentality labels are potentially damaging and dangerously trivializing, if not agressive in attack.
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#425190 - 02/13/13 02:36 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
The power of the rant. And what others can see that we can't. This is very empowering for me, When I stand in this truth, I feel less like a victom. Maybe it is the first step in standing up for our self. A push back agenced the ignorance that keeps us quite and alone. Thanks for getting this.


Edited by SmartShadow (02/13/13 02:44 PM)

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#425193 - 02/13/13 02:48 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Wow


Originally Posted By: Still

The right of the abused to be broken and damaged shall not be infringed nor shall it be used or perverted against him in life. We recognize that there is actual and lasting damage of varying degrees, unique to each survivor, important and significant to each survivor. That broad characterizations such as Victim Mentality labels are potentially damaging and dangerously trivializing, if not agressive in attack.


This is brilliant!

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#425224 - 02/13/13 07:59 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
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Well....YOU originated that "Amendment X."

John Hancock (12-yo snicker) wrote "Amendment Y" to the Survivor's Constitution.

A survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse has the God-given right to be believed when disclosing, protected when disclosed, and treated with all due reverence when in need of help.


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#425225 - 02/13/13 08:01 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
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This is a grand opportunity for all to weigh-in with input on a potential CSA Survivor's Bill Of Rights. not kidding.
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#425226 - 02/13/13 08:14 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
cant_remember Offline
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Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
The right to be angry.
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#425230 - 02/13/13 09:21 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
The right to recover as I become ready and able


Edited by SmartShadow (02/13/13 09:21 PM)

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#425286 - 02/14/13 02:26 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6509
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Originally Posted By: cant_remember
The right to be angry.


Amendment Z:

We the children used for sexual abuse; the boys, the girls and grown children, now adults have the right to our due anger. The anger of the survivor will not be suppressed, vilified, criticized or discounted as invalid or out-of-place. Though the emotional, spiritual and bodily damage may not be apparent, it is none-the-less dramatic and severe. Attempts to squelch our cries of pain and anger are further source for new and added pain and anger. Criticism of the survivor's due anger is prima facia evidence of indifference to the crime of Childhood Sexual Abuse.


Edited by Still (02/14/13 02:27 PM)
_________________________
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#425287 - 02/14/13 03:10 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: SmartShadow]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
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Originally Posted By: SmartShadow
The right to recover as I become ready and able


Amendment A:

Embarking on a journey of healing, recovery and reconciliation of destruction of childhood innocence, violently and heinously stolen, is in and of itself a traumatic journey --- a dramatically painful journey --- a journey that does not even ensure survival of the child or his adult self.

Child Sexual Abuse is the worst known crime on a child short of murder. Childhood Sexual Abuse is torture of the heart, mind and soul of the child. No person alive knows how long the prospective survivor must endure the pains and horror of examination of his reality in order to be "healed." Attempts to hasten healing to the world's perception of "acceptable normalcy" are received and interpreted as damaging rejection and belittlement of the mountainous effort bravely undertaken.
_________________________
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#425289 - 02/14/13 03:30 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: SmartShadow]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
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Originally Posted By: SmartShadow
Hay Still,
I am realy sory you have had so much pain,
And the divorce, man I am so sorry sounds like you lost every thing.
I watched my parents go through a supper nasty version. It destroyed every thing.
Seams like my dad was adle to move on eventually.

More later


I'm Still trying to come to terms with what's dissolving my heart these days. Its simple. Its likely very obvious. Its that the CSA from back then cost me everything today (like the marriage and my family). It reached-up, and with the help of others, pulled me back into the pit. And that's just simply a ball-crushing kick.
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#425294 - 02/14/13 06:02 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Still,
I think it has implications that need to be rejected. I mean you have lost one of the most important support structure an adult has. Yea it's a kick, hell of a blow. It is a brutal thing what's been done. I just think it may be wise to not link it as a direct resualt of your csa dynamic. It's not the same thing. Not that you are saying it is. But it is triggering all the crap and pulling you back down. I wish I had something good to say. I cry for you and your loss. Try to take care of your self. And we still need an Amendment B


Edited by SmartShadow (02/14/13 06:06 PM)

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#425306 - 02/14/13 09:17 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6509
Loc: Terminus
But the CSA fk-up-ness and the CSA history was directly cited as the soul reason 9in many forms) like non-disclosure, PTSD, DID, Depression, suicidal, hospitalizations, ...

So that's why I link he two...as she and the court and the court-ordered psych, and three marriage counselors and pastors did.
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#425325 - 02/15/13 03:16 AM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: Still
Originally Posted By: SmartShadow
The right to recover as I become ready and able


Amendment A:

Embarking on a journey of healing, recovery and reconciliation of destruction of childhood innocence, violently and heinously stolen, is in and of itself a traumatic journey --- a dramatically painful journey --- a journey that does not even ensure survival of the child or his adult self.

Child Sexual Abuse is the worst known crime on a child short of murder. Childhood Sexual Abuse is torture of the heart, mind and soul of the child. No person alive knows how long the prospective survivor must endure the pains and horror of examination of his reality in order to be "healed." Attempts to hasten healing to the world's perception of "acceptable normalcy" are received and interpreted as damaging rejection and belittlement of the mountainous effort bravely undertaken.


Amen, Brother.
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#425367 - 02/15/13 12:51 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: SmartShadow]
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6509
Loc: Terminus
Originally Posted By: SmartShadow
And we Still need an Amendment B


Amendment B:

It shall be know to all, and permeate our nation, this natural, basic fact: Children cannot consent to sexual relations with any superior. Children can only comply!

The concept of a Consenting Child in the sexual gratification of a superior is a fallacy in the absolute. Said 'advantage' of age-minority vs age-majority, intellect, significant age difference among supposed peers, physical advantage, authority (inherent or imposed) shall never provide a defense to any violation of reasonable human trust, treatment and integrity of behaviour. Advantage exploited, where a child is concerned, is prima facia evidence of violation.


Amendment B1:

Expressed or implied culpability of a child's role in any sexual abuse case is actual, and clear additional abuse in and of itself. There is no reason in this nation's code of law provided to any party with proximity to a case of abuse, that an excuse or explanation can be derived under the fallacy of the "Consenting Child."

Thus is the nature of inherent duty of the advantaged or superior man to do no harm to a lesser being.
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#425376 - 02/15/13 01:55 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6509
Loc: Terminus
BTW: Writing these "Rights" may seem silly or futile, but for my own rage against society's ignorance and maltreatment of child and adult CSA victims, and their cases (and perps)....(oh...and facts), having a ready list of rights comforts Big Angry (one of my monster friends).

I feel pain and frequently cry when drafting these...so I'm hitting a nerve with Little Still and his demand to be saved or heard.

If this is annoying to people....that is, if your eyes roll when you see the entries, I apologize.
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#425430 - 02/15/13 09:25 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Obi Offline
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Registered: 12/28/09
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Loc: kansas
....


Edited by Obi (05/03/13 06:19 PM)
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#425434 - 02/15/13 10:46 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
cant_remember Offline
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Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
Still,

We love you. You do not annoy us. Articulating our rights as survivors is a worthy endeavor.

Cant
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#425456 - 02/16/13 07:35 AM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Yea I git it. I realy do. Devastating.

Take you time and heal each day best you can.


Originally Posted By: Still
So that's why I link he two...as she and the court and the court-ordered psych, and three marriage counselors and pastors did.



Amendment H. The right to heal from the worst of what has come our way.

Thanks for helping me understand.

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#425851 - 02/19/13 03:05 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: SmartShadow]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6509
Loc: Terminus
Originally Posted By: SmartShadow
Yea I git it. I realy do. Devastating.

Take you time and heal each day best you can.


Originally Posted By: Still
So that's why I link he two...as she and the court and the court-ordered psych, and three marriage counselors and pastors did.



Amendment H. The right to heal from the worst of what has come our way.

Thanks for helping me understand.


I'm trying to be able to write these again. Another is the right to demand fundamental competency of CSA from those who we PAY to help fix our shit!...like not adhering to the myths.


Edited by Still (02/19/13 03:06 PM)
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#425881 - 02/19/13 08:24 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Zug Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
I agree with a lot of what I've read here. I will say that my ego kicked my ass very badly when I was trying to get sober and it was ruf until it was dealt with. I see some of that in what I read. I could tell you my story, but it doesn't involve $, but the military, so you may not be able to identify. Let me say this; I alwasy felt bad about me as a kid and later (mostly because of things outside my control)and my answer to that was to totally throw myself into what I did, totally vicious to myself-I tried to just forget it and replace those bad feelings with accomplishments. What it got me was drugged and raped by my own wife and others I trusted, 2 ruined careers, lost all my friends, much of family, etc. It was there all the time, waiting. Not just the family of origin stuff that drove to me a relationship with a woman and people like that in my life, but the ptsd, symptoms, etc. I used substances too, then they didn't work anymore and it was very bad. It took dealing with that first. I've SOBER for 5 years, worked the steps with the help of a sponsor, service positions, etc. My symptoms got so bad again that I ended up a recluse, AGAIN. That's what brought me here, finally just yesterday. Does someone who comes from no real home with no real parents,physically/emotionally/sexually abused, moved all time, discipline problem, violent, etc that serves in 2 special operations units and more, gets a college degree with no help, buys home, etc in spite of all that shit sound like a VM to you? No, but there was a victim in there, driving some of that behavior. Its all still there, whether we like it or not,m in spite of whatever we accomplish. PTSD chemically changes your body and brain, rewires them, there is no way around it. I've had to give a lot up and I'm glad to be here. Not to be a dick, but some humility might help. Just my .02
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#425933 - 02/20/13 09:51 AM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6509
Loc: Terminus
Clarification on the original rant and money:

The rant and my current crisis is not about money. Its about the fact that I am being scorned by many around me as "not being fixed yet."

The thing is; no one noticed that i dragged myself out of the black evil muck of hell and fought my way into the world of the normals. For fuk sake, it took me 5 years to get through high school. I'm saying I DID crawl up and out and i DID make it!

I was fully on my own from the moment i was born. my mother was in a wheelchair, i was raised by hired help. My father did/does not believe in emotion re raising children. he drank and was a massively violent drunk that in and of itself has me fked to the max.

I crawled out. I crawled up. I learned from and emulated the normals. I targeted a lifestyle that I saw around me during my childhood and wanted to experience it without psychotic horror... To not blow my brains out, I drugged and drank. But I made it....ONCE. I made it already, then it was ALL shredded.

Its not the money! Its that I'm being told to "stand the fk up" and "man-up." Trouble is, I'm used up. People CAN actually be defeated. I know its oh-so fashionable in America today to never say "never," to think you can always improve yourself...there's always healing. I'm sorry to inform some...sometimes the bullets of life just fk you up too much to fix. Sometimes the patient just dies on the ER table.

But PLEASE dont piggeon-hole me into a rich-prick whining about my BMer and boats. Everything is gone. I just wanted to reach that life...and I did...and now its gone. I just got my 600sq ft rented shit hole filled back up with propane. In less than 26 days, it went through $501 worth of propane, I have to decide, food, or propane.....Efexor, Abilify, Klonopin, Metoperal,Divlaproex, Albuterol....or propane.

Lose the key fob and the country-club clothes? I own one pair of sneakers and they are falling the fk apart cuz they are 2.5 years old. I don't OWN a car. I borrow one.

I mentioned that I've given so many cars to unwed mothers you'd never be able to count them. i DID give back to society. High-income brings massive resentment I guess. Fkg SOUP KITCHEN? I bought an entire kitchen for a retreat house for missionaries. I have NOTHING now and yet I just paid $45 for stamps to circulate the Child Safety Zone petition. I can't afford $45...I need shoes that don't show my shitty socks.

I know people love to see the seemingly successful fail and fall. But I had to climb the pole with no help and Hell nestled in my head.

I've been placed where I belong. And its NOT with the normals and their shit.
Normals say unto me: "dude....get over it!" "Dude...it was a long time ago." "When are you gonna git back up on that horse?"

And 20 times a minute I think "dude...wouldn't a speeding train be SO fkg sweet right now!"
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#425949 - 02/20/13 02:46 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Jude Online   content


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1561
Loc: New England
Hey Still,

Your not alone. You never will be again. as long as this web site is up and running.

You are right, you HAVE overcome a lot to be where you are today. Dirt poor, but rich in self-understanding, compassion, empathy, justice and spirituality.

As Tevya said in Fiddler on the Roof: Oh, dear Lord. You made many many poor people. I realize, of course, it's no shame to be poor... but it's no great honor either. So what would be so terrible... if I had a small fortune?


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#426010 - 02/21/13 08:25 AM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6509
Loc: Terminus
Love this Jude!

I never got to see Zero Mostel or Topol in Fiddler. I was actually way too young for it. When eventually saw it on TV I was amazed by the play.

I'll never forget the role money played in Tevya's life. I was actually very disappointed that it was ruining (IMO) this man's view on how wealthy he really was. I was also very disappointed at the role of Tradition and the wedge it formed in the family.

My parents were amused by the plight. I'll never understand that either.

I will be a rich man, if from my death-bed, I can say I did well raising my kids and contributed to child safety and child mental health and introduced people to God.


Edited by Still (02/21/13 08:59 AM)
_________________________
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#426013 - 02/21/13 08:44 AM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Zug Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
Still, I'm right there with you I did the same things you did, with a much more diverse cast of 'violent drunks' in the role of 'dad'. I had to fight my whole life, with my fists or anything else I could use. I did the same thing you did, I threw myself (to the point of it costing my life in more ways than one, lol) into things. I had all I managed to build taken away from me by people that I have known since we were 14, it was calculated, planned and well executed. These people kept me as a sexual device to be drugged and used, humiliated in public with 'secret remarks' that I could never understand. I get what you're saying, better than you know. I have no hope, no help, no family, no hope of help. I am forced to rent a room, I have no control over my life. I can empathize with you. There is nothing to hold me here, nothing to look forward to. I really don't care about my legacy, my son (he loves his mommy even though she took him around her 'friends' who Im sure sexually assaulted him and his sister)or anything else now. No one ever cared about me, I was just always 'crazy Margy's crazy kid', and I always will be. My ex and her 'friends' have conducted a sustained campaign to paint me in the worst light possible that continues today. I've had people make reference to what happened to me in public AND LAUGH right in my face. There was never anything to get, there isn't anything here for me, its all just a lame screw around. All the things people said to me about overcoming adversity, etc as a kid was BS, I got lied to. Please let me tell you that I couldn't care less how I'm remembered and I'm living the 'broken' and can't come back thing.
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#428332 - 03/17/13 10:49 PM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6509
Loc: Terminus
There really are no people who get where I am in this life. It truly is a life of isolation even if we seek to not isolate. We are not intended to even gather together in true support.

I honestly don't see "true support and comradery" existing for CSA kids and adults.

Sorry to say it...I only see the we are not alone, but we are alone.
_________________________
When the phone don't ring, I'll know its you.

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My Absolute Hero!

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#428359 - 03/18/13 09:13 AM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1342
Loc: kansas
...


Edited by Obi (05/03/13 06:07 PM)
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#428360 - 03/18/13 09:22 AM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1342
Loc: kansas
...


Edited by Obi (05/03/13 06:07 PM)
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my story

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#428361 - 03/18/13 09:33 AM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
(((Obi)))
I'm so sorry that you are feeling like that, don't know what to say frown

Please take care for yourself!

Pero
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#428419 - 03/19/13 04:35 AM Re: Victim Rant [Re: Still]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
After reading through this thread there is not much I can say on the so-called "victim mentality." While I know it is important for me to take responsibility for myself as I take up the mantle of my recovery I also think it is essential for society/supporters to understand its difficulties, setbacks, and objectives. When all is said and done the accusation or label of "victim mentality" is just another variation of the counter-productive nonsense perpetuated by people who are afraid of facing the truth. And the truth is that CSA is a major public health crisis whose survivors all too often end up enduring a lifetime with limited or no support despite crippling handicaps imposed upon them by their trauma. I swear sometimes I feel as if we are living in the Middle Ages of mental health care.

In any case Still I want to thank you for and congratulate you upon your work in helping so many people. I am sorry you have lost so much during your journey of recovery I really am. I hope you can feel some measure of vindication in knowing you are a part of the vanguard effort against child sex abuse. You deserved better treatment just as we all do. Too many people judge success and happiness in terms of financial gain and material possessions. While I agree food, water, and shelter are prerequisites to these two goals once obtained (in excess or the bear minimum) life becomes about relationships and the search for personal meaning through them. We need love, trust, friendship, and other fruits of social living that are severely damaged at the stem by our abusive childhood. We need help and support from others in order to mend ourselves and bloom into the person we want to become. Tragically, our stems are ignored and the flower of our individuality held in contempt for not having petals as bright as those around us. Everyday, society reminds survivors that we enjoy the same soil, water, and sunshine as they do rather than accepting the fact that we were stepped on as buds and are in dire need of a splint to survive and thrive once more.
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"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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