I usually go to the gym and drown out the unspeakable with the sound of my fists hitting the punching bag... It's rather cathartic

"trigger alert"

Thanks to all who cared they know who they are but to more esoteric questions. I do live in NH at least that’s what my dl says, somewhere in Grafton County however I’m typically never there in the “old days” I used to drive down to metro NYC every week but not anymore (Boston to Philly), currently in HI and just relishing the fact that typically I’d be in Medicine Hat or some other frozen hell that’s currently colder then NE, just like in the summer when its 75 and rainy I’ll be in Houston, never and I mean never Hawaii or anyplace warm in the winter, times have changed things are definitively looking up!

"trigger alert"






































To more serious matters for those that haven’t read everything I’ve posted, no his statements were statements of fact, he didn’t have to lie or embellish he was just speaking the truth, and maybe that’s why it was so hard to talk about it, because its true, it’s just so sad that my whole life could be condensed to 1 small sentence, and even worse that there is no way for me ever to separate myself from the truth of it, just like the image in my mind that appeared as I was remembering, 2 sides of the same coin ,abused from birth till 7, I never wanted to think about it I couldn’t go there, yet I had to I had no choice have to embrace every ounce of evil he ever directed towards me I have to internalize it I have to become this evil one last time just one last time one last time to remember what it was like, everything every last warped twisted evil detail, everything that spoke about him not me, I was an innocent, a little boy, I wasn’t evil, but lived in hell surrounded by el diablo and his sycophants, he was a monster, the high priest of evil. Wow he could scare two little kids, big man, powerful evil man, you can scare two kids, you can beat them until one sucks you off, that makes you powerful hugh, really it does, I’m sure you told everyone how great and powerful you were right, “hey Julius get this I beat them and just when I think they’re figuring out the whens and the wherefores I beat them again, heck I even beat them if they do a good job. It keeps them on their toes, it’s so hard not to laugh sometimes they're so pathetic, they just sit there in a corner and let me beat them, what is their problem, why do they always cry and complain” Evil incarnate; el diablo; there are no words to describe you, how can you describe the filth that oozed from your devil inhabited body and the actions you unleashed on the world, who died and made you god, who gave you the authority to choose eternal damnation for me and Beca, who, why, we’re both still here, trapped in this hell you created for us, the only way out is to figure this all out, you your role, your evil, and be able to walk away not run , not scared, just leave you there lord of the manor, but its empty, there’s no one left but you, everyone else is dead or gone , no one wants to be around el diablo, I carried you into the ground many years ago, too bad I also buried so much of myself that day, so much of my cousin, at least your dead, your evil is dead, I just hope that you never had to touch anyone after me before you died, I guess I’ll just have to hope, hope that in me giving you everything I had that maybe I spared someone else some pain, you never cared about sparing anyone anything, it made you feel real good when you could beat us and make us cry, some new trick or torture you came up with, the sickness that was within you died with you your evil lives on, in this hollow discarded husk of a man writing this, it get no solace here just my tears, tears for the others tears for my dad most of all, someone I’ll never know.

Something my wife used to say a lot, “its not something “normal people”would do?” Eventually she just accepted who I “I’ve been fucking you since the day you were born” and if that’s not enough “ I used to fuck you before you had teeth” was and moved on with it.


That’s it is who I am, luckily the hate the anger the rage in me is gone, I couldn’t handle this before now, I’d be homicidal I’d be the front page news, instead I’m just trying to find a way through this to become me. I’m finally me I have continuity I don’t remember it all I remember what I’ve had to regain myself, I can see where I came from, how I got here and here aint to bad, just I’d still give almost everything away not to be this way but it’s who I am, I can’t run from myself just like I can’t run from the truth any longer I don’t have to anymore. I just could never grasp how someone could do that I can understand so much I get so much, it’s sad I can’t see how anyone could do things like that, I still don’t want to believe it, my mind knows it as true, my deepest darkest secret, the one from my dreams, the one that made me deal with all this the one that started all this. 1st memory being raped, becoming conscious in act of evil so vile nothing you can do or say tops that hugh, tell me something worse something as bad, please tell me right now I’m in the throes of a “massive pity party” but please tell me something worse, someone tell me something worse.

Gotta cut this short I do have to go to work, thanks again all, thanks to Pufferfish for asking unrelated questions, making me think.


Cee