Aptrick - yeah, you get it too! what i was trying to say in different words. but you went a step further:
Originally Posted By: Aptrick
...becoming someone who i don't recognize anymore has been a very real fear for me.
...
as much as i dread sometimes becoming 'normal', i know I can never be. What happened in my past will always be in my past. I can not change it only learn how to stop allowing it to effect my present and future. Even if my fears go away and my 'problems' get better, I will always be that boy who was abused deep down inside...

This is the part that blew me away -
Originally Posted By: Aptrick
...That is not as bad as it sounds, what i mean is I am always going to be a little wiser about the dangers out there, a bit more cautious towards the potential enemies, and a bit kinder to those who seem to be struggling. Even when I feel free of all my 'luggage' I still want to be the sensitive, insightful, caring, helpful man that i grew to become because of all that abuse. I will always be special in ways no one else will probably ever recognize or discover.

yes - that is what i hope for - and am beginning to believe is possible - to have that AS WELL AS the ability to function without falling apart at the first sign of a trigger - or caving and going all submissive whenever someone gets agressive.

Originally Posted By: Aptrick
I think the fear of changing is just a sign that you are at a crossroads of sorts and it's the irrational trying to hold you back. Hold on to the good stuff, the parts of you that make you feel proud and sane.

i think maybe this is true - that there have been so many changes already recently that my self-image needs time to readjust. my T keeps talking about rewiring my thinking and emotions - i guess that part of me needs an overhaul or tune-up too.

good ideas,
Lee
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"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho