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#424892 - 02/10/13 11:06 PM Post abuse questions
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 330
Loc: Iowa, USA
Hey
When I was a kid, about the time we were learning sex ed, I remember some exploration with a classmate. It was things like staring at each other's penises, masturbation, and others. I remember this time when while we had our pants down, he rubbed his penis against mine. It seemed like it crossed the line, but it didn't bother me. A few months later, I suffered abuse at the hands of an adult. Years later, I was abused again by a family friend. That episode really damaged me, but I never told anyone. I'm realizing now the effects it had. I used to masturbate frequently and often in public places. In addition, I remember advances by other guys, like in the locker room at the gym. I always refused. One time, about 20 years ago, I had a friend from work. We would hang out sometimes, and not really do anything. I realize now he was grooming me. He would tell me about his girlfriends and the sex he had. He would ask me about my sexual activities. He would ask if I got turned on hearing about him doing some girl. Then we started watching porn. That lead to masturbating to porn. One time while watching a porno, he asked if he could suck me off, and I didn't turn him down. I don't understand why I let him do it. I didn't consent, but didn't fight him off either. I felt so degraded afterwards. I didn't understand since, I'm not attracted to guys at all, and have no desire to have sex with a guy. However something snapped. Since then I'm really wary of making friends. I'm afraid they're going to ask me for sex. I know my history of CSA had a role, but why? Even now, 40 years after the initial molestation, sometimes I feel like a worthless human being. How can I explain this and get over it?

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#424896 - 02/10/13 11:27 PM Re: Post abuse questions [Re: DavoSwim]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
It is not at all uncommon for guys to masturbate to porn together, and once that dynamic is in place there's a non-trivial chance it will escalate to manual or oral contact. Having a consensual experience that you later regret / feel embarrassed by is also not uncommon and also can't be directly blamed on a CSA history. In your own account you clearly verbally distinguish between experiences of damaging abuse and experiences that happened between peers and that seem worse afterwards than they did at the time.

Leaving behind the flat-out abuse and focusing on peer contact about which you felt strange or conflicted afterwards: all of the latter took place in sexually charged atmospheres, ie locker rooms or porno watching sessions. If you make friends and consciously avoid all such activities - say, meet up with people just for a book club or to compare car modifications - I think you'd soon be able to see that people can like you and like being around you without steering everything towards sex.

And you're not worthless.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#424901 - 02/11/13 01:35 AM Re: Post abuse questions [Re: DavoSwim]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 330
Loc: Iowa, USA
For me the dominant emotion associated with sex is shame and humiliation, so what better way to demonstrate that by some of the things I've done. Whether culpable or not, I have experiences which reinforce feelings of worthlessness. Why else would I act in such a manner is how I view it.

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#424982 - 02/11/13 04:22 PM Re: Post abuse questions [Re: DavoSwim]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
Hey DavO,

i agree with you that sometimes we are pulled into things we wouldn't ordinarily do because of the trauma of the CSA.

i think it is common for many CSA survivors do things that are not 'ordinary.' We were groomed or threatened into doing things we wouldn't ordinarily.

i see a big difference in two boys experimenting, and someone grooming you to do their bidding. i think you are OK DavO. As we learn and grow in this, we change things for the better. Your T will be a big help in guiding you, and most of us here are in your corner, rooting you on to better things in life.

Fear and worry are a big part of many guys reactions as they begin to sort through the abuse and come to terms with it. Take care my friend.

peace

paul
_________________________
If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

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#425000 - 02/11/13 08:41 PM Re: Post abuse questions [Re: DavoSwim]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6446
Loc: Right Here!
DavO,

Have you picked-up any books on this yet? I highly recommend it. There's a million titles in the bookstore here (thru amazon).

Ask around for titles. My fav is Mike Lew - Victims No Longer.
_________________________
Straight to DVD - again

The Aftermath Video

Fun With Terror !

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