It's time . . .
I don't remember large time spans of my childhood . . . but one of my first memories was when i was 6/7 and i was sleeping with my brother in his bed. My brother is 6 years older and I can't tell you why I was with him, but that night everything changed. I remember sleeping and realizing that he was really close to me--i could feel his body next to mine and i could feel his erection (although i didn't know what it was at the time). Anyway, he started to grind on me from the side and then he was pushing my head toward his erection. I remember being groggy and not understanding what was happening. Side note: my brother was pretty mean and abusive in other ways so i don't think i did anything to try and stop it. He wasn't saying a word to me but he was pushing me down under the covers. He pulled out his erect dick and pushed my mouth open and forced me to perform oral. I kept thinking, just be quiet and it will be over soon, or maybe he was having a nightmare. He came in my mouth and the taste made me gag but i swallowed it and then he rolled over and pretended like nothing happened. And so did I until the next time when it happened again, which was becoming more often because he was 13/14 and he would manipipulate me into doing what he wanted and i began to enjoy it--i came too. What a total mind fuck! When he wasn't sexually abusing me he was humiliating me about my body--i was very thin and didn't know how to stand up for myself. This went on until i was 16 and moved out of the house. My parents had a terrible marriage but i still think that my mom knew what was happening . . .
During that summer i left to be a camp counseler and that's where I met him, my next abuser. He was 21 and handsome and played guitar and sang and FLIRTED and made me feel special. From an early age on I learned how to be very sexual and knew what to do to get a man's attention. He ended up seducing me and telling me how special i was and . . . i craved sex and physical closeness and "love" and attention so badly that i believed him . . . during the next few years i tried and seduced men so that i could feel the "love" that i learned to miss . . .
and then i repressed all those memories until about 20 years ago when my wife was pregnant with our first son. the memories came flooding back one night and i immediately caled my brother and asked him if he did all those things to me and he said he did and how sorry he was, but he was really afraid of what i was going to do. I told my family--who were more concerned about perceptions and "what would everyone think of us?" Even though I went to therapy, i was so disconnected to my abuse that i dealt with it intelligently but not emotionally--iit was a story about a little boy but i didn't make the connection that it was me. In the meantime, my family made me feel like I was ruining everything because this came out . . . They were glad I was getting counseling so that I could "get over it" and they wouldn't have to deal with it" any more. They begged me not to ruin my brothers life--kind of ironic and fucked up--but being the dutiful son, I put their needs above my own and my familys. I stayed numb for about 5 years and then i started acting out and seeking sexual encounters with men to deal with my abuse. And for those who have done this they know this doesn't fill you up it just makes the void deeper. Well 20 years later, I finally had it out with my family and i don't see any of my siblings any more and my mom on a limted basis. I feel the best I have in my entire life . . . free of obligation and all that goes with it--I want my acting out to stop but I'm also afraid that i can't live without it . . .so here i sit, hopeful, afraid, and uncertain of how my life will end up .. .
On the path ...
"As a man in his last breath
drops all that he is carrying
each breath is a little death
that can set us free."