Newest Members
Barracuda312, Just Hanging, mossTI, E35, 1975
12339 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
GeneF48 (66), kun wang (32)
Who's Online
0 registered (), 23 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12339 Members
74 Forums
63433 Topics
443434 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#424802 - 02/09/13 01:48 PM why does he talk to everyone but me?
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 256
Loc: us
Okay so I know that this has probably been asked many times but here is my vent of the day. My H is a good ol boy type or at least that is the mask he wears most of the time. He really is a big softee who loves cuddling and animals. But anyway everyone has noticed him softening up latley. He is acting kinder more often and over the last few months has disclosed to 3 of our friends. I overheard his opening up to a friend about his CSA and struggles with his family. I'm thrilled that he is talking but hurt that he talks to everyone but me. In therapy my trust issues came up and he said he didn't think I had any reason to struggle with trust. I was so pissed I. Almost burst into flames. He talks to everyone but me and has loads of compassion for all of our friends. However when it comes to me he. Won't open up and has no compassion. All he will say is that I. Have hurt tim but will not tell me what I did or how to fix it. I'm really annoyed and wish he would just tell me when I hurt his feelings. Sometimes I can tell when I do and I always apologize and give him a hug. Do any other partners feel like they get left on the outside of the circle once their partner starts to open up? I know I did this with my parents but that is a different kind of relationship.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

Top
#424803 - 02/09/13 03:52 PM Re: why does he talk to everyone but me? [Re: HD001]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I'm not a partner. I probably shouldn't answer because I might just be mudding up the water. But what I feel when I read the above is shame and inadequacy. (maybe just reading my issues into your post) Maybe he got hurt but really knows that it was not a big deal other than to him. Maybe he doesn't want to open up to you because he feels inadequate. Opening up to others is possible because he doesn't have to live up to the ideals he has set for himself in your relationship.

Opening up to you may be too scary because he can't take it back or run away from it. He still needs protection from being hurt. Nobody else can hurt him like you can because they are not as important to him.

Compassion means putting your heart out and if you are too scared of it being broken then you won't.

Like I said, maybe just my me reading what I feel into your situation. Might be the right answer to the wrong thread.

Top
#424808 - 02/09/13 06:00 PM Re: why does he talk to everyone but me? [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 256
Loc: us
Thank you for the insight and I think you may be on to something. He does say things from time to time about how I think he is a jerk or after all this time I don't accept him. I have started to realize just how insecure he really is and it makes me sad. I'm trying to be more vocal about things when he makes me feel good. I think nice things about him all the time I just don't say them to him because I never realized till now that he needs to hear it. Any advice about how to support would be cool.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

Top
#424814 - 02/09/13 08:40 PM Re: why does he talk to everyone but me? [Re: HD001]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Quote:
I have started to realize just how insecure he really is ...

I think nice things about him all the time I just don't say them to him because I never realized till now that he needs to hear it.

I'm sure you are aware of the "inner child" stuff. Don't just see the adult. There is a fractured child in there.

I've said this on another thread. Go out and have fun together. Most of the time you end up living close together and it just becomes a part of life. And you can lose the sense of discovery and fun you had when you first met and started your relationship. Have fun. If you stop having fun together it makes it easier to lose the connection you have/had. And then the walls come up.

I don't know what to say. I am certainly not a good source for advice. I have a hard enough time trying to figure out me. (and then remembering what I figured out a short time later)

Top
#424817 - 02/09/13 10:30 PM Re: why does he talk to everyone but me? [Re: HD001]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3378
Loc: somewhere in Africa
HD -

i can only speak for myself - but i was reluctant/resistant to talk to my wife about the CSA because:

i felt i had the most to lose with her - i desperately wanted to keep the relationship the same rather than risk a change that might be for the worse. i feared that if i told i would receive disgust, contempt, judgement, condemnation, rejection and abandonment - once she knew how gross my past experiences had been. the sense of shame and guilt is very strong - even when your mind tells you it was not your fault - it is hard to believe it and feel that.

so if i felt the pressure to talk about it - it was less scary to do so with someone who i could "afford" to lose or whose opinions and feelings for me didn't matter as much. i know it is contradictory - but it could almost be seen as a positive thing - that he may care so much for you that he doesn't want to make the relationship worse than it is!

yeah - INSECURITY is definitely a big part of it. and no matter how many good things you say - it may not make much difference until he starts to accept himself more. that is how it was with me. my wife has always tried to build me up but i just shrugged it off with the thoughts - "if she only knew the truth, she wouldn't think that" or "she has to say that because she is my wife and she wants to believe it." when other people outside our marriage said the same things, it meant more to me - but still not fully accepted and believed.

the biggest thing that made an impression was repeated reassurances from my wife that she would not leave me and that she loved me and believed in me and would stand by me and support me - NO MATTER WHAT!!! it was a big risk on her part - but it allowed me to start to open up - and with each small revelation that she took without turning her back on me - it gave me the courage to take another step. we have been working at this now for about 15 months and it has gotten so much better. at first i was seeing a therapist once a week and then for the past several months we have both been seeing him nearly once a week as well. we really needed that mediator because some things i could not say without the support of someone who had already heard it and could help interpret it if i had trouble - and could also reassure my wife that my feelings or reactions were "typical" (if not "normal") - for a guy who had experienced what i had.

just a few thoughts that might or might not apply in your situation...
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#424841 - 02/10/13 12:54 PM Re: why does he talk to everyone but me? [Re: HD001]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 192
This is just me, but I don't like talking to my girlfriend about it either. I'm supposed to be all manly and protect her and i can't tell her about something where i couldn't even protect myself and where I had to do un-manly stuff. I know it seems crazy but the closer I get to people the harder it gets to talk to them about it. It's just with strangers their opinion of you doesn't really matter. Someone you care abouts opinion does matter. It's not that I don't trust her. Of course I do, but I care about her and I want to protect her from stuff if i can. That's just me though. Your husband might have completely different reasons.

Top
#424848 - 02/10/13 02:05 PM Re: why does he talk to everyone but me? [Re: HD001]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
HD001,

I think there are two distinct things going on here. The 'opening-up to others' and becoming more comfortable and openly emotional is one issue. The other is his lingering emotional perception of you...something you said...how you reacted...something.

Regarding the people around him: When men reach a certain age or point in life, they may become more comfortable in revealing to the world what's inside, that they are emotional creatures and that they carry no shame for that. Its sorta like those Lavitra commercials where "you've reach that point in life where nothing gets you, holds you back...you don't back-down from a challenge." In other words: We are comfortable with who we are (not neccesarily true round here).

With you, there clearly is an un-verbalized, un-aired issue. They are usually (99.999% of the time) a lingering misinterpretation or misunderstanding of a word, a phrase, maybe a snicker, something that left a wrong perception within him.

Tween my wife and I, there were about 10 of these things (in both directions) that were significant enough to be easily considered 'open wounds.'

During the years of my non-disclosure to anyone, she/we were certainly exposed to plenty of CSA of other child-abuse stories on the news, at church, general public. I would usually get very sad but would always say nothing about the case. She would sometimes make comments commensurate with the myths of CSA survivors. When I heard those comments, I took them as ice-pick stabs directly at my heart. It made me feel even dirtier than before, less human, less valid as a real person, evil, deceptive and so-on.

I'm guessing the two of you have one of those things dangling over your heads right now. How you get him to open-up about it, I don't know...cuz I don't know the dynamic there.

None of this stuff may apply to you two, but I just wanted to give you one comparable case. I really hope the issue is revealed and can be put to rest.
_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#424857 - 02/10/13 04:26 PM Re: why does he talk to everyone but me? [Re: HD001]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
There are two entirely different issues here.

If your husband has no compassion to you and accuses you of hurting him when you have no idea what he's talking about, that's a bad problem that does reflect on trust issues and you ought to tackle it head-on, maybe with help from your T.

If he's more comfortable talking about sexual victimization with others than with you... that's kind of normal, as far as that word carries here anyway. Men need to be perceived as strong and self-controlled in relationships, and we believe that is how our wives / girlfriends see us too. It feels awful to talk about a severe and abiding weakness, about being a victim, about having responses even you yourself don't entirely understand to hurts that happened so long ago. And, yeah, theres also a sense of guilt or constsntly owing an apology if you knew of the abuse but didn't tell her, or only recalled it later. There are more issues than Archie and Jughead.

I hate talking about it with my wife - I do it because she found out on her own and left me no choice, because communication is important in that new paradigm, and the more I keep her "in the loop," the less her chances of a can't-deal-with-this-new-shit meltdown that leaves us both in tears. I hate that she could have reason to see me as different, even if she swears she doesn't. I went a full month of full recall of this shit without telling her, and she only found out by freak accident; I really regret that because honestly I think I could have kept it from her forever, or at least until I was in a more stable footing with answers for myself, let alone for her. After 3 months post-disclosure it's seriously only been like the last 4-5 days that I'm in any way comfortable talking calmly about it with her. It's like, I dunno, trying to calm an alley cat that's been kicked too many times. Possible but drawn-out.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

Top
#424990 - 02/11/13 05:27 PM Re: why does he talk to everyone but me? [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 256
Loc: us
Wow so many great responses thanks guys. You have given me a lot to think about. I would agree that there are trust issues and that had made everything else more complicated. I feel like my H pushes me away all the time and that part of it is because he is waiting for me to leave him. It is so frustrating that he won't show me any vulnerability. I get the whole wanting to not appear weak. I guess in my mind facing your emotions and being honest about them takes courage when I see him fight for himself and for us it makes him that much more attractive. I know I ve hurt him it helps a lot to get some perspective from guys who know what its like to be in his shoes. Thanks again.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.