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#424839 - 02/10/13 12:38 PM Angry with my dad
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 192
Hey, I joined here recently. Its harder to post stuff than I thought it would be. On Friday I got into a big argument with my dad Ė over practically nothing. The whole thing got way out of control. He was saying to me ďIím trying to stop you getting hurt, Iím trying to protect you.Ē Then I just got so mad and I yelled that it was too f-ing late for that. And I feel so bad now because it was really a low blow. Then my dad left and I havenít actually seen him since then.

Its confusing, like I donít know if I should hate him or not. He didnít protect me. Twice. We had this family therapy thing before, where he was saying how guilty he felt and how he thought that he could really trust his friend (who abused me. I was also abused by his brother). He said one time when he was kind of drunk he told some of his friends about being abused when he was a kid, and that guy was really nice to him and said ďpeople like that donít deserve to liveĒ. The therapist was talking about child abusers, how they were able to fool so many people, and that they also abused the trust of everyone around them. Sounded better when she said it though. After that we talked and I said to my dad he didnít do anything wrong and if he thought he did then I forgive him, all of the blame was going on the guy that did it.

ButÖ did you not think it was weird when I refused to go in my own room for 3 weeks, and that I never wanted to sleep in my bed? And didnít you notice that some of my clothes were missing? And didnít you think it was weird when I was practically screaming, begging you not to go away for the weekend? And all the times I said ďI donít want to go there, X is really boring.Ē And you said ďDonít be so mean! He doesnít have any other friends.Ē (X is the nephew of the guy that abused me, who was also abused because clearly ruining one childs life wasnít enough) I got into so much trouble at school and my dad was just obsessed about having me evaluated for adhd. Why didnít he just ask me what was wrong?

I donít want to hate him. But Iím angry. But I donít want to be. And it really doesnít help that he has just childishly disappeared so I canít even talk with him. I donít know what my question is really. I feel like I have a right to be angry, but I imagine its bad for him and I donít want to add to the guilt he already has, so Iím not sure what Iím supposed to do??

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#424842 - 02/10/13 12:58 PM Re: Angry with my dad [Re: txb]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
You are processing feelings very close to the abuse txb, you are raw and that is perfectly acceptable. Your father needs to listen, to honor your sharing with him and not take your hurt personally. Till then, keep sharing, keep talking, keep confronting and disclosing.

Here is a wonderful article on Disclosure and Confrontation. It includes steps you can use to understand your questions and even guide the responses you collect. http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html

You don't hate him, you are hurt and are trying to express your feelings. Disclosing such powerful feelings after years and decades of holding them in is like getting on a bicycle for the first time. You are not going to immediately be graceful, but it takes time and effort to develop the talent to ride. So too with disclosure, it will take time to share with your father these overwhelming feelings. Use words like "I was hurt", "I was scared", "I tried to tell you, but I did not know how, so I am trying now". You are going to be angry, tell him not to take it personally, but be there for you and you can both heal.

Most importantly txb, be confident that you are doing your best, that with patient progress you will feel relief.

My best to you,
Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#424844 - 02/10/13 01:28 PM Re: Angry with my dad [Re: txb]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
TXB,

Welcome to MS. Sam gives you some good advice above, but I wanted to add something.

There seems to be two things going on:

1) Just as Sam mentioned, you are processing emotions close to the abuse. You have every right to be angry, especially at the denial of the obvious. Even if you don't want to be angry at your father now, it is fine to feel that your inner wounded self has a right to be angry at his parents for not protecting him.

2) There is also something happening in the present tense, in real time, which you haven't mentioned. What is it that your father thinks he is trying to protect you from now? What was the reason for this argument that he walked away from?

If you are using your anger as cover for engaging in at-risk behavior, then that might be a different thing entirely.

You certainly need to keep an open dialog open with your father and try not to shut the conversation down. Can you tell us what it was that he was concerned about that caused this argument?

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#424872 - 02/10/13 07:43 PM Re: Angry with my dad [Re: txb]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 192
Thanks for the replies and the link to the article. I had the feeling I might have read it before, but it doesn't do any harm to read stuff again.

The fight was about the dumbest thing ever. Itís not like I was trying to do anything bad. Itís kind of embarrassing to write it out because its such an overreaction (on everyoneís part) The whole thing just got out of hand and we both said some really hurtful things to each other. Then he left. But thatís just what we do in my family. If something you donít like happens you just abandon everything.

I donít even know what his real argument was now. But Iím not a little kid, he canít tell me what to do. We have never had the kind of relationship where he could ever tell me what to do anyway and I think thatís maybe why Iím also angry. I think a normal parent would have picked up on things being wrong. I donít know how I can say ďdonít take it personallyÖ but you completely failedĒ without him being totally devastated. He knows pretty much everything that happened to me already. I donít know if there is any point in talking more with him about it. Itís not something I can really talk about easily anyway.

Heís really pushy with the counselling stuff and even tried to bribe me to go to some workshop thing. He doesnít do any of that stuff himself! I have a counsellor Iím supposed to see every week and I spend the whole week thinking up some insignificant problem I can talk about with her rather than talk about anything serious. I want to quit going there altogether. I know Iím not doing my best. Not even close, I just keep trying to destroy myself because itís the only thing that makes me happy. The nephew who was abused with me, heís doing completely awesome compared to me. I talked to him yesterday and I just feel even more of a failure. And I canít hate him because heís so irritatingly nice. Its funny because back then I always thought of him as weak. He cried a lot and I always refused to cry, which I thought made me strong. Now Iím a mess and heís the strong one. And my dad still hasn't come home. He'll just walk back in in a couple of days like always and we'll just act like nothing ever happened then I'll feel all wrong for being angry.

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#424886 - 02/10/13 10:47 PM Re: Angry with my dad [Re: txb]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
txb,

I applaud your ability to understand the outcome of this situation, well done. We can over react, but we are not destroyed, we can learn to be thoughtful in our responses, but it takes time.

Your father seems to be a decent person, just hopelessly clueless when it comes to this trauma. Txb, we cannot take in advice or counsel as we are already FULL! We have our history to tell, we have the abuse to scream out at the top of our lungs, the pain and sickness we feel inside us to EJECT! We are FULL! We cannot take in anymore.

Post/Talk/Share/Yell/Chat, do ALL of these things, but get out those memories and feelings. "We are as sick as our secrets", so it goes that if we do not have secrets... you can figure that out.

Let us know the what, when and why, we will listen.
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#424887 - 02/10/13 10:57 PM Re: Angry with my dad [Re: txb]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039

Your's is a more acute version of what I've been going through with my father.

How can you have a relationship with your dad without denying that part of you feels abandoned and betrayed by him? You hate to make him feel bad when you tell him that he failed to protect you, failed in his most fundamental role as a parent, but that's kinda exactly what he did.

How do you get him to acknowledge it, so that the two of you can build a new relationship together?

You and he both are going to need counseling for him to handle this the best way. That's something constructive you can tell him, "Dad, I need you to go to counseling to come to terms with failing to stop my abuse, so that we can talk about it." -- or something like that.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#424894 - 02/10/13 11:13 PM Re: Angry with my dad [Re: txb]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Being a failure as a parent is one of the risks of parenthood. People who cant take it shouldn't become parents. It is his responsibility to work to spare his own feelings from the facts - not yours.

You don't have to say "blame" or "fault", you don't have to retract your forgiveness of him. You could just ask your same questions as above, more or less verbatim - preferably with a therapist moderator / facilitator present.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#425048 - 02/12/13 11:42 AM Re: Angry with my dad [Re: cant_remember]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 192
Originally Posted By: cant_remember

How can you have a relationship with your dad without denying that part of you feels abandoned and betrayed by him? You hate to make him feel bad when you tell him that he failed to protect you, failed in his most fundamental role as a parent, but that's kinda exactly what he did.


Yes! This is it exactly. My dad IS a nice guy. He has a lot of friends. Heís so nice I think he lets people take advantage of him though. So I donít know if I should talk more about it with him. I always feel it doesnít really help him at all to know any of this stuff. And I donít want him or anyone I know to have that picture of me in their head.

I could ask him the stuff I said above. But I donít know what good it would do. Its not like he can go back and change it. I pretty much already know the answers anyway. It was mostly just unfortunate circumstances that always led him to believe that it was something else. I think he really believed that he was keeping me safe. This person was his friend. The first time was when my dad was having a party at our house. I was asleep and he came into my room. My dad was probably standing about 10 feet away through the wall at the time. We had a small house, so why did none of the other people there notice him going into my room or coming out of it? He took some of my clothes off (its stupid, I canít even say which ones) so he must have been really sure he wasnít going to get caught. Why? No one who was there remembers anything. There is no way he could have explained it if someone came in. I was 10 at this point and Iíd known him for maybe about 5 years. Was he just waiting the whole time for the perfect opportunity or did he maybe do stuff to me before and I just didnít wake up? Its frustrating because I donít think Iíll ever know.

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#425308 - 02/14/13 10:27 PM Re: Angry with my dad [Re: txb]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
txb,

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this hard time with your dad.

I would suggest that your wanting to him to accept some of the blame for what happened is probably something to try to put away.

For whatever reason, he didn't notice the problem, and wishing he had had some kind of esp that would have clued him in so he could protect you is a variation of wishing the whole thing had never happened, which though it's natural is just a kind of delaying game that keeps the healing from happening.

Blame is so pointless. It just keeps us looking back at the past and focusing on our fears from that time. Instead we need to realize the abuse has stopped, and we're currently safe. Take that fact in deeply, you're safe. Say it over and over and over if you have to (I turned it into a mantra and repeated it like a chant while I was going to sleep). Then you can look at the effects of the abuse in your current life and resolve them.

It's important to recognize that what happened to you happened to your whole family, your dad included. His trust of his friend was violated, too. Things broke. The relationships in your family have been damaged for everyone. He's a victim in this situation, too. You need each other to be safe with each other so you can heal together and grow and move on. Again, blame is pointless.

Remember, every parent fails because no parent is perfect. The tragedy of that fact is part of the parents' life too. Your dad's worst fears for you came true, and he couldn't keep you safe. In the end no parent can keep a child safe unless they lock the child up, and if they did that, they'd have abused him.

It's really important to remember that: csa is a tragedy for the whole family.

I hope can see your way to letting go of this particular element of your story so you can move forward with the healing and let your family be a support as much as possible in the process.

Best wishes,

Danny

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#425336 - 02/15/13 06:38 AM Re: Angry with my dad [Re: txb]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Txb, you might not like what I would say but your anger is actually more related to your own person than to your father, especially after he expressed guilt and remorse to you.
You should dig that anger out and find what is real issue that makes you so unhappy on your T sessions. Father is actually not so relevant in this story-that is mine opinion.

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